won't you save me san francisco.

Riding home on the bus and looking out the window at the deadness that all the fallen leaves brought to the countryside actually made me feel pretty empty.  I would say lonely, but I'm fairly sure that I could find someone to talk to if I so desired.  No, the feeling I felt just a few minutes ago was emptiness.  It wasn't that I didn't feel; on the contrary I felt an awful lot.  I just felt like a shell, a being just going about life but not really enjoying it; just seeing the happiness and beauty there is in the world but not taking a part of it.

That's the really twisted result that taking a risk and losing does to me.  I can't even say that I get depressed or sad when it happens now because I don't.  The lack of reaction I have now is startling to people.  I don't even feel anger when I should.  I've been told that all I do is let people walk all over me even when they hurt me so very badly, but to be honest I'd rather have that then be alone.  Everyone is going to walk all over me at some point it feels like, so why lose what you do have in order to fulfill moral obligation?  Sure, maybe I deserve better than that (at least according to some) but that doesn't mean I'm going to get it.  Do you see what I'm saying?

All I know is that I stepped aside and gave everyone what they wanted, and all I want in return is friendship and the knowledge that I'm not alone.  That's not too much to ask for for what I do, I think.

- Lo

i was a flight risk, with a fear of falling.

There are times when you think you can handle anything that comes your way, and then BAM.  Life just hits you like a ton of bricks.  It puts into perspective everything you've (or I've) been doing to keep myself from thinking.  Distractions you might say.  And while that's nice and all...once you come back to reality you realize just how much you've missed and how you just can't keep doing this haha.  I fear my balancing skills require a little bit of work.  Wouldn't it figure that I would waste precious time blogging when I could be working? ;)   Cheers,

- Lo