If you could see how I love you.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl. He loved her with all his heart and told her so everyday. Everything was perfect. Then the girl started thinking. And over thinking. And she was afraid to give her whole heart because she had been hurt before and she didn't want to be hurt anymore. So one day, when the boy told her that he would give her a promise ring as soon as they were together, she freaked out. It scared her, and she wasn't ready.  She loved him with all her heart, but she wasn't ready for that step because she knew that if he made that promise and for some reason it didn't work out, she would be absolutely devastated.

Fast forward about a year...boy still loves girl. Girl, loves boy with all heart. She can't imagine loving anyone else, and she doesn't want to. She wants to love the boy for the rest of her life. If he made that same promise ring offer today, she would accept gladly and never look back. She would be happy for the rest of her life.  But she can't tell him that. She's working to earn his trust back, to make him believe that she's true and loyal. But she has hope. Maybe one day this happiness she now seeks will be hers.  Yes, it's scary, but she knows now that a risk like this will bring joy and happiness.  No matter what anyone says or does, she wants to fight for him for all her days.

If he could see the depth of her love, he would see her heart and her fight. He would see how much he means to her and that she would do anything for him.  He would see that the only person she'll ever want to love, is him.

Why do I watch my guilty pleasure shows?  Shows meant for teenage girls, filled with fantasy and romance and many other unrealistic things?  Why do I become addicted to them and find them so good?  It's because it's the one thing that gives me hope sometimes.  I know it's not realistic. I know it's vapid, pointless, and makes me out to be an airhead.

But there's one common thing with all of them, and it is what gives me hope and lets me feel good some days.  There is always that one couple, who aren't always together, but they care for one another no matter what.  He'd do anything for her, care for her no matter how much she screws up.  Even if he's angry at her for a really long time, in the end he still loves her and forgives her and they can be happy.  It's this one element that I love and that I look for.

It's when I feel the most alone that I find a new "guilty pleasure" show.  Just to have hope that it's possible for someone to love me that much.  That no matter how bad I screw up (because believe me, I screw up a lot), I'll still find love.  It gives me hope that I won't lose everything when I make mistakes.  Often, I need that hope.  Because I'm all alone most of the time.  Alone with my thoughts, and it can be a dangerous and lonely place.

So don't judge me, just for looking for proof that I deserve to feel okay.

I feel trapped in my own world.

No Title Necessary

I need a place to rant.  Not even to rant, just to speak.  I feel so often like I cannot and should not talk to people about how I feel, because it really is too much of a burden.  No one should have to deal with the kinds of thoughts that I have.  And yet, I can't just keep it to myself.  I go insane and implode.  No, I need to get it out somehow, and I've been thinking for a long time that I should blog about it.  That way I can just speak and rant and no one has to hear it if they don't want to.  I feel like it's an alright trade-off.  I do wonder though...what do normal people do? Do other people actually talk to people about the scary thoughts in the deep dark corners of their brain? Or are they just much better at handling them alone than I am? Or maybe, do they not even have the kinds of thoughts that I have?  These are the things I wonder about.

I can't shake this one thought.  It comes up whenever I find myself alone for too long, or after I've watched a really good movie, or finished a good book.  Primarily, it comes up when I spend too much time thinking about the people around me and how everyone just seems to be so happy and surrounded by such good people.  Don't get me wrong, I do have the best friends anyone could ask for, I have the best boyfriend that anyone in the world can ever have (he's mine.), and I have a loving family that I am so grateful for.  I'm not hard done by, by any stretch of the imagination.  But I find myself alone often.  My friends (all of them) are in such loving relationships and I'm so happy for them.  The person I love currently lives across the country and while I spend as much time talking with him as I can, I do have those moments of loneliness.  And my family seems to have moved on without me, and when I come home they can hardly put in the effort to just hang out with me.  Everyone just seems too busy for me.  I sound like a little spoiled child, I know it.  And I'm not meaning to.  I don't know what's wrong with me and I hate myself for it.  I am like a child haha; I just don't want to be alone.

That's my biggest fear.  That somehow, I'll find myself all alone to grow old and I won't get to experience the happiness that everyone else seems to have.  And that scares me.  I want to be happy, I want to give the love I have inside, and I want to give everything I have.  I feel so unfulfilled.  Sometimes, I feel a miserable old lady when I see happy couples because I don't currently get to experience that exactly.

To the person I love: if you're reading this, and if I know you, I bet you'll take this to heart.  I bet you'll think I'm unhappy with you or something of the like, but you couldn't be further from the truth.  I want you to know that these are just the rantings of a girl whose mind goes a little crazy when you're gone.  That sounds bad I bet, that I'm too attached and can't spend a second alone.  But that's not it.  I love you with all my heart, and to be honest, sometimes I worry when you're out at night and I don't know who might try and steal you away.  Even though my head knows that you love me and you don't see them like that, my heart still gets scared.  And it scares me to imagine what my life might look like if you were ever gone.  That makes me go crazy more than anything.  Don't get mad, I know you love me and that there is nothing to worry about. Forever and ever, amen.

- Lo.

this is when the feeling sinks in.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I have a lot of regrets and there are many words I wish I could take back.  I've made a fool of myself so many times I don't even bother to keep track.  Many times, I don't even know who I am anymore.  In fact, I know I don't.  I keep changing my mind about everything.  I've always been this way, it's just more pronounced and noticeable to the world around me because I've been forced to make some pretty big decisions.

I'm not perfect.  I'm not what anyone wants me to be.  Everyone has a problem with me in some way and I've learned that that is okay and that I'm never going to be able to please everyone.  That's a lesson I struggle to learn every day.  Please, don't hurt me for being who I am.  I wouldn't do it to you.

I'm a work in progress.  A ball of emotion and stress.  Working through each and every day just to try and make a little place for myself.  Sometimes it feels like I'll never have a place, since I keep having to find a new one to try and situate myself.

If there's one lesson I've learned that is the most valuable, it's patience.

- Lo

this path is reckless, this slope is treacherous, and i like it.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
~ Mae West

It's been a really long time since I last posted anything.  Almost an entire year.  My life has changed so dramatically in the past year and I have learned many new things.  I have learned what love feels like, as well as heartbreak.  I have learned what it feels like to screw up, to learn lessons, and how to pick yourself back up when you've fallen to rock bottom.  I have had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many new things.  This past year has been a learning curve and I'm still learning.  I'd just like to point out some lessons that I have learned.  They aren't to be taken as generalizable rules; they are just things that I find apply to me.

1. Don't count on anyone else to bring you happiness or peace.
This is a big one.  I have spent a lot of my life relying on others to help me feel happy or feel good about life and there have been a lot of times where the only time I feel good is when I have someone paying any attention to me.  I've learned that this is wrong.  You can't count on anyone.  People are going to walk in and out and while it sucks and it hurts like hell, they're going to do what they want.  I live my life for me, so why wouldn't I expect everyone else to live that way as well?  I have had to learn that yes, I am going to go to bed without saying goodnight to someone sometimes.  And yes, someone you love is going to leave you and you'll probably never get over it.   But the thing is, I can learn to cope.  Even when the world ends, as long as I can cope, I think eventually I could pick myself back up again.

2. Your first love lasts forever.
I'll never get over this.  I'll still always want him.  I'll always want that connection, those moments of pure bliss.  The way we're perfectly synchronized.  The way I can tell him anything, even the stupid things and not be afraid that he'll think I'm weird.  The memories.  Everything that I can't do or listen to or watch anymore, because it all reminds me of him.  Even though I fell apart and I was the one that ruined everything, I'll still always want him in my heart. And in my life.

3. Focusing on school work is a good way to forget about the emotions and the real world.
Whenever things get difficult in life, just focus on studying for that next midterm.  Write that essay.  Put all your focus into it, to just distract yourself from any and all inner pain.

4. Many different experiences are what make your life a story worth telling.
Recently, I've taken a different path than what I was on for all my life previously.  I met and connected with some old people from my past and have gotten to know many awesome new people.  They are very different from my usual kind of person, but they are more like me in the way they think and see the world.  I really enjoy spending time with them, and while I haven't shared much about me as a person, I've still been able to get to know them a fair bit.  I'll miss their company if it's gone.

5. Don't apologize for living.
I'm young, and I'm going to live while I can.  I'm going to make mistakes and I'm going to do a lot of things I regret.  But that's how I learn.  Hopefully I don't mess up too bad, and I don't want to ruin good things.  But I want to experience life.  You only get to be alive once, and I don't want to miss the chance.

I'm me.  I'm shy, a little insecure, sometimes I'm sensitive.  I'm adventurous, I love trying new things, and I hardly ever turn down a dare.  I dream, I think, I write, I sing.  I play music really loud in the car and sing at the top of my lungs because no one can hear me.  I like to explore.  I like being loved and feeling special.  I like to meet new people and get to really know them.  I get attached to people easily and I love with all my heart.  I live.

- Lo

you and i will be safe and sound.

A kiss is designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
~ Ingrid Bergman

I love with all my heart, and while it's a dangerous thing I wouldn't have it any other way.  It's the best feeling in the world to love someone and know that you are loved in return.  That feeling can bring to the highest peak of the tallest mountain.  When it isn't perfect, it brings you down to the lowest valleys.  The way to make it work is just to accept the faults and be willing to work through problems.  Sometimes, it's not that appealing when the whole world seems against you. Maybe too, you think you would be better off without the drama.  But then you have to think to yourself: do you really want to do that? Would you really be happier without them?

For me, the answer is always no.  It will always be no.  I love fully and completely and accept the challenges as they come.  It happens, but nothing is so tragic that it has to ruin the things that make you happy permanently.  It's about working at it, and learning from your mistakes.  It's about knowing that while you aren't perfect, you can still make things better if the other person will give you the chance.  It's about being quiet, stepping away, and then calmly resolving the issues.  This is the best part of my life, and how could anyone choose to live without that?

This is my response to a lot of things that happened last week.

- Lo

stop.

Note to self:
Just stop. STOP. Cut it out already.
It's not about being perfect.
It's not about saying the right thing.
Just learn to say see you later, stop asking if you'll talk later, stop.
Stop being confusing.
Just, for goodness sakes, cut it out.
Say what you're thinking, not what'll make others happy.
Learn to pay attention.
Stop getting flustered.
Just LISTEN.
Learn how to transition from quiet to a normal day.  It's really not hard, so figure it out.
And for God's sake, stop causing arguments every goddamn day. It's not rocket science.
Just be a normal person. It's not hard. Stop worrying so much and being an idiot.
You're just being a stupid fool.  Pull it together before you screw up worse.

...or maybe, you are just that stupid.  Why won't you learn?  What is wrong with you that you can't get it through your head?

Love always,

- Lo

not a post: just getting something out of my head.

"My life is a tragedy because of you."

Someone told me that a little while ago. Just needed to get it out of my head because that sentence has been driving me crazy lately.  It's alright though.  Happy Holidays!

- Lo

if you'll be my strong and steady, i'll be your soft and sweet.

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
~ Peg Bracken

"Dear Santa,

How are you?  I hope you're well.  I hope all the elves and reindeer are working hard and hopefully Mrs. Claus has cookies for everyone!  Is it as mild up at the North Pole as it is here?  I'm afraid that we're going to have a green Christmas.  It's worrisome.  What will the polar bears do?

I have to confess, I don't think I've been as good a girl this year as in other years.  I've made a lot of people angry.  I've hurt people.  I've made them sad.  I try really hard to be the perfect little girl, Santa, but it just doesn't always work out.  I'm always a little bit behind and it causes me trouble.  Maybe I could play things off when I don't quite understand but I'm also a little bit more than irritating, as I'm sure you've heard.

I don't know what's happened to me, Santa.  I used to be on top of things and I used to know how to read people. When did I lose that gift?  When did I turn into a person that I'm not proud of, a person I wish I didn't have to be?  I don't like being me.  I'm not the kind of person that people want to be associated with. I'm not the person that they ever want to fight with because I'm horrible in an argument.  I'm not the kind of person anyone wants to talk to.  I don't blame anyone though.  Just myself.  I have no one to blame but myself for the person I've become.

But it bothers me.  Why can't I remember things?  I used to be able to remember everything TOO much; never could get anything to leave my head.  And now...sometimes I forget what people said only minutes after they said it.  It's not that I'm not listening; because I sincerely am.  I don't understand.  Today, at the doctor's office, she told me some things and I can't seem to remember what exactly they were. That's just a mild example.  This not remembering keeps getting me in trouble with everyone I care about.  They think I don't care and that's not it.  I'm trying so hard.  I'm not mean, I'm really not.

So Santa, if I could have anything this Christmas, it would be forgiveness.  Forgiveness from everyone for all the stupid things I've done this year.  I would want me back, the one who was selfless and who was good.  I would want hope, that what I want in life will happen.  I would want the peace of mind that everything is going to be okay.  Because sometimes it doesn't feel like everything is going to feel alright.  Lately, it feels like I'm on the edge of the cliff of my happiness and I'm wavering precariously; just barely saving myself from falling over the edge.

I just want to believe.  I want to believe that I am not a waste of a human and that I'll actually accomplish something with my life.  I want to believe that I'm going to have love in my life and that it'll be with the person that loves me more than anyone.  I want to believe that I'm going to find a way to go back to being the perfect listener, the best kind of friend.  I want to believe that one day, people will want to be my friend.  I want to believe that I don't always have to be alone; trapped in my thoughts and all of my mistakes.

If you could give me that, Santa, I would be the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. There's one other thing I want, and that is to be shown a way to make everything I want in life interact and mesh together perfectly.  I want that happily ever after.  Somehow.  If you could give me a happily ever after, there's nothing I would ever need.

Thank you for reading my letter.  Once again, I hope everyone is well.  I'll leave cookies and milk out for you on the kitchen table, just in case you decide to come visit my little brother.  He deserves a good Christmas, even if I don't.

Sincerely,

-Lo  "

they steal you with hello, they kill you with goodbye.

Love means making the other happy, even from a distance.
~ Unknown

Two things just jumped in my head right now and I feel like I should write them out and get them out of my head so I might continue on with my life.

The first is: I'm not sure why, but I tend to befriend guys more often than girls.  I like everyone really, don't get me wrong, but for some reason I find that my best friends are guys.  You would think that it would be awkward at times, but really it isn't.  Except when girlfriends are involved but I like them all too so it's best kind really (on a side not, I cannot believed I just used that saying..people are rubbing off on me).  But anyway, I find that I like hanging out with them because it's always chill and I know where I stand (that girl that they like to tease). However, it also makes my life difficult because for obvious reasons you can't always hang out or chat or what have you.  I'm entirely sure that no guys want a girl trailing after them all the time.  And when it comes to living arrangements, count yourself out because that's a bad situation all together.  Not that I mind, it just means I have a lonely existence at times.  I do have girl friends, but they all have best friends and girls that they'd rather hang out with instead of me and that's alright.  I don't know why I don't usually 'click' with them though.  I mean I know why I didn't here in my hometown, but at school even, it's always been a little awkward with me and them.  I don't think I'm unfriendly!

I also admit that it crosses my mind often that it must bother my very dear friend.  Because I know to him it must just look bad.  It must look like I'm the worst kind of tramp and I'm inviting all kinds of bad attention. But I swear, it's never like that.  I literally hang out with these people to get food and on weekends we have a drink or two.  However, I understand where any bad feelings of his might come from.  Were it me, I would be insanely suspicious if he hung out with a girl every single day.  Even if he told me they were just friends and that was all he thought of them as.  For my part, I would be suspicious of her.  I trust him, but girls are so sneaky and good at deceiving to get what they want.  And guys fall for it too...

This actually brings me to my second item.  I'm a smidge worried about my emotional state.  I mean, I'm not too worried, because it's December and as a rule it's the worst month of the year for me (that and January) so I'm sure everything will be fine.  But still.  Emotionally, I'm paranoid and afraid and I consider pulling out of life emotionally just in case I get hurt.  Because I really do put my heart into everything 110%.  And it's just so fearful.  I don't like hints of endings and I don't like giving up and I don't like thinking that something might be impossible.  Not when I'm so young.  My life is just beginning: everything is possible.  However, I do know that I'm incredibly patient when it comes to waiting for something I really want.  I also know I think way too far ahead in the future, but it gives me something to look forward to.  Perhaps.  I love being happy though.  I hope it continues and that all my fears might be erased.  I understand why they maybe cannot be though.  I understand entirely and completely and I think it's because I understand that I'm a bit afraid and contemplating removing my heart from harm's way for a little while.

Under normal circumstances in other years, I would be too overbearing and doing everything in my power to stop things from changing but I'm not doing that now because it never works.  And I just look like an idiot in the head.  All I'm going to do is trust that my heart is safe and I'm going to believe that I am worth it.  I know that if I tough out the hard times where it feels like everything in the future is uncertain, I can certainly find the love and good times ahead.  All it takes is a little patience.  And I have that patience. And that hope.  I trust that nothing with harm me.  And that is what gives me peace and happiness.  And that is why I will never pull out emotionally.  Loving someone is worth more than that. :)

Happy holidays to you.  I hope they are merry!

- Lo

if you go, and leave me down here on my own, then i'll wait for you.

I like dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
~ Thomas Jefferson

I am a little bit melancholy today.  I know it's been a while since I've written anything and that's due to the fact that I've been bogged down with assignments and such.  And on top of that, life has been stupendous.  But every once in a while I get thinking about the future and it scares me and I don't know what to do and I feel like nothing will ever work out and I end up in a mood such as this.

First and foremost, the most important thing to say is that I am in love with a very amazing person.  He's absolutely brilliant and I could spend more than a lifetime telling you that and why.  But I'll leave it at that.  The only issue with us is that he is about 3000km away from me.  That's quite a distance, I'll give you that. It's also important to note that I am not one of the many teenagers who think they're in love and they're not or they think a silly long distance fling can last.  I can promise you that I am not like that.  I'm past that stage of my life and I've had 3 years to reflect on my feelings.  In fact, I had about 3 years to get rid of silly fling feelings and I've done far too much evaluating on that standpoint.  This is me and this is how I feel.

I'm going to visit this boy of mine soon.  Only for 9 days, but it'll be enough to feel somewhat satiated for a while.  I'm thoroughly excited and I cannot wait.  I only wish I could stay.

And this is where my melancholy sets in.  I get thinking about the future.  Yes, I'm going to visit him for a week, but then what?  There's no reason to think like this, I know, but I'm afraid of losing him.  I'm afraid his patience will wear thin and he'll think the whole thing is impossible and he'll give up.  I could just see it happening.  And no matter how much consoling I do and no matter what I do, it'll never be enough.  That's what I'm afraid could happen.

I would stay out there if I could.  But the thing is, I'm in the midst of my undergrad and the university where he lives does not really offer the appropriate program to help me get into law school.  It does have a program, don't get me wrong, but the school isn't really known for it.  Add to that the fact that I have a pretty decent scholarship right now and I have other funding that would cease if I switched schools and you get an equation that means I have to stay put for another three years.

So that means, if we are to be together soon, either he has to come here or I'll go there during the summer.  I am game for either option.  He doesn't know what he's going to do and I wish I had the answers for him, but I don't.  He has to make sure that he sets himself up to be able to make a career but we also just want to be together while we are young.  I don't know if you remember being young and thinking the world is limitless, but that's where I'm at.  And I really don't think it should be so hard.  I'm sure I can get a job out there and work; it's the same as if I went back to my hometown to work.  And I would be there four months of the year and at school for 8, due to the Christmas break being spent at home, obviously.  That route is entirely possible, if he wished to stay in his hometown and go to the university there or get a job there.  Because I know it's hard to leave home, especially when he knows everyone there like he does.  In fact, that's one of the things I'm a bit envious about and is the reason why I wish I were there.  I just think I would fit in better with people there than I do here.  They are so much more mellow.

But then, there's another route.  If he were to come here, he could go to school here or do whatever he wanted.  Obviously, this route is difficult; he'd have to pack up his entire life and we'd have to find a place to live and he would have to be able to find the opportunities he needs to further his goals in life.  It's also possible, but difficult.  This route is ideal because it means we'd actually be together; not just for the off-months or for a week at a time.  I like the idea, I just haven't spoken to him about it much.  We tend to not talk about these things because it's obviously a stressful topic.  Hence why I'm writing about it.

There are other routes, that are obvious, easier, but require more waiting.  Personally, they don't appeal to me that much, but I know I'm the kind of person that could wait forever.  Even if I was desperately lonely in the meantime.  And I think that's one of my tragic flaws and a strength at the same time.  I just don't think he could handle that kind of wait, with only a week-long visit every year.  It's definitely not ideal.

But once I'm done my undergrad, I'm literally free.  I want to go to law school, and that means anywhere really.  I don't have any specifics.

My goals for the next few years of my life are pretty simple.  I want to graduate with my degree and get on my way to getting a job that will allow me to live a full life, and I want to be with him.  Right now, the difficult part is getting both at the same time.  But I can do it.  We can do it.  I know that.  It just takes a little bit of planning and some confidence and a smidgen of luck.  There's always a way to achieve your goals; I'm a firm believer in that.  And I'll do anything to achieve mine.

Love always,

- Lo

dear john, i see it all now that you're gone.

We must not say every mistake is a foolish one.
~ Cicero

If you ever hear anyone call me perfect, I beg you to correct them.  If you ever hear people say that I have it all, I hope you'll know that it's a lie.  If you hear them say that I make things difficult, that I'm unpredictable and that I can shock you in the most extreme ways, then you'll know that people are talking about the right girl.

When things get a little bit too big and scary for me, that is, when I do and say things and worry a lot and life gets out of control, I do bad things.  Rather, I act in bad ways and say bad things.  I tend to make a lot of mistakes.  And some might disagree and say that I don't make mistakes, but that isn't true.  To repeat, I make a lot of mistakes.  When I'm stressed or worried, I tend to make more and I tend to push away people that might want to help me because I don't want to burden them or I don't want them to know that I can't handle everything that's going on.  And if I get irritated over something when I'm like that, well my mistakes increase ten-fold.  I regret everything I say and do in those moments but I know that doesn't count for an apology.  Unfortunately, it's all I have.

And to one in particular, I want you to know something.  I told her because I wanted to show you (rather than just tell you; actions over words) that I'm serious.  I'm not going anywhere.  I wanted her to know you and I thought you could help me help her get to you the way you want her to know you; not through my feeble attempts at describing you.  So I thought you could help.  I'm sorry I was wrong and I wasted your time.

I should go now, before I say anything else and get myself in even more trouble.  There's something else I wanted to say though.  I thought it was important to say that to me, there is nothing worse than when someone walks away angry with me.  I think the feeling I get in those moments is the worst thing I will ever feel in my entire life.  That feeling of knowing I screwed up and that I lost my chance to fix it, that feeling of hating myself because I made someone angry, all of it, is so hard to handle.  It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that someone is angry with me.  And I hope I never have to feel like that with you again.

- Lo

doesn't he know i've had him memorized for so long.

"If you're gonna screw up, do it while you're young.  Older you get, the harder it is to bounce back."
~ Winston Groom

One thing I've noticed living on my own; on nights where you are completely by yourself and have no one to talk to, that's when all the things you try to avoid thinking about come back to haunt you.  This seems to be one of those nights.  I've been trying to solve my inner demons and just live life the way I want to, but that is definitely easier said than done.

I'm an unusual kind of person.  For the majority of my life, I've strived to be different and yet still fit in.  And I've kind of managed.  For the most part, I am your average college kid.  But I have secrets that make me so much more different than the average person.  The biggest is that I'm involved with someone about 3000km away.  Sounds like a big number, but that's only about 30 hours.. a day and a half driving approximately.  I've known him for years and he's my best friend above all else.  I would do anything for that guy, as he's done so much for me in the past and even now in the present.   He's the biggest part of my life.

Which leads to secret number 2, which I can't seem to get out of my head.  I'm going to visit him.  On spring break, I'm packing up for a week and flying out there.  A visit would settle so many things.  I've been saving my money this year and I can afford it and I have the time.  These are two things I probably won't have in the next couple years.  I have a practical, realistic plan and all I need to do is put it in motion. Of course, there's always a problem.  And for me, the problem is my parents.  They don't know about him, and that's for no other reason than because while I was in high school they were very strict over those kinds of things.  I've started to tell them about him though and so far it hasn't caused any trouble.  But the second problem with them is that in my experience, they find any plan of mine far-fetched and they will not stand for it.  The thing is, I'm legally an adult now, I'm paying for it myself, and I'm only going for a week.  It's a much smaller plan than what I've proposed in the past.  I know I don't actually need their permission, but it would make my future relationship with them much better if they could just accept that I'm going to live my life the way I want to.  They've instilled in me the proper morals, now I would like them to loosen up for once and let me try things.  Let me make mistakes now, if you think it is one.  It's a good starter trip, considering I plan on travelling the world.  There are a lot of things I wish I could tell them about this but in the interest of continuing to sound responsible, I'll stick to the plan.

That's the only thing I want from them.  I'm learning to handle things on my own, now I just want them to let me try a big decision.  For me.  Because life is too short to sit around and just play by everyone else's rules.  I don't want to regret not going in the future.  Which is a guarantee if I don't go.  It's hard sometimes, to do things because you want to and also to please other people.  I think that this time, one of these is going to have to go.  And I know which it is.

- Lo

'cause i knew from the start, i was gonna love you with all my heart.

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

~ The Bible

I just quoted the Bible, but I feel like it is the perfect quote for my thoughts today.  I know it's been quite some time since I last posted but I really needed to write.  Please bear with me as I attempt to get my thoughts written down.

I love someone, with all of my heart.  I have loved him for a very long time now, but only recently have we  talked about it seriously.  I know he loves me as well, and most of the time we have amazing conversations.  He is amazing and is by far the best person I have ever met.  He surpasses me in all things and is always there for me, whenever I need him.  He doesn't judge me, he hardly ever gets mad at me, and even when I know he is upset with me he'll pretend he isn't just to keep the peace.

I, on the other hand, want no secrets or secret feelings that could threaten the happiness.  In my head, there is a solution to every problem between us.  And to be honest, most of the time there is.  And usually the solution is for me to stop making stupid mistakes.  For example, I try so hard to prove to him that he is the only one I want to talk to and I've been trying to convince him that he means the absolute world to me. And then we finally have the opportunity to talk for a long period of time, and the minute we sit down, I ask him if I can step out for a few minutes.  I know, I know, you may hate me as well now.  There are many thoughts about myself racing through my head as I read that confession and none of them are good.  What was I thinking?  And in truth, the only answer I have is that I wasn't thinking.  I could give you a few good reasons as to why I did that but the truth is that it shouldn't matter.  I screwed up.  It's your actions that matter, not your words, and my actions completely negated anything that I had said.

You may think it's not a big deal, but for me, that was a huge insult to give him.  He has every right to be angry with me and I'm glad he was.  I deserved it.  But rather than refusing to talk to me or punishing me somehow, he kept talking to me.  Even as I told him how I felt like a horrible person and I would understand if he begrudged me a little bit, he kept talking.  He was comforting me, for heaven's sake.  

I find that this one example just shows how good of a person he is.  I have a tremendous tendency to ruin things, entirely by accident, but he always proves to me just how good he is.  He won't let me ruin things permanently, and that is one of the many reasons why I love him.  When it comes to how he loves me, he embodies everything that the above quote says.  I feel the exact same way, I just need the opportunities to prove it.  But alas, he never makes the kinds of mistakes that I do.  I am absolutely blessed to have him.

So if you're reading this, know that I am incredibly sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am.  I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart, forever and always.  I love everything about you and I hope that I never do something like that again.  It is a mistake that ruined my credibility and I'll work doubly hard to prove to you that you are everything to me.  Thank you for being you and for sticking with me, even through my stupid mistakes.  I love you.

- Lo

give me the chance to love you, i'll tell you the only reason why.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. 

~ C. S. Lewis

It's been a while since I last blogged.  I can admit that the reason I didn't post was mostly due to the fact that I didn't really have much to say.  I worked all the time so I didn't go out all the much (which I don't like, but it's over now so what can you do).  However, today was my last shift so I have time to write something.

And I do have something to say.  Over the course of this summer, I've come to realize important lessons. One such lesson is this: love is unconditional.  If you love someone, they can never do anything that will stop you from loving them.  It's a concept that I knew existed but other than my family I hadn't experienced it for myself.  But now, I've come to realize that my love for a person is unconditional.  I've realized that at the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing this person could do that would turn me away from him.  He makes me happier than I have ever been.  He makes me believe that anything is possible and that together we make things work.  It sounds far-fetched, but in my heart I know that things could work.  It doesn't always have to be difficult.  I know that I love him as I will forever, and I know that he loves me in turn.  And so, I am happy.

That's all I really have to say right now.  I would elaborate further, but I feel as thought no one truly understands how this feels nor do they care.  So for now, I wish you the best.  I'm not sure when I'll post again; I'm moving away at the end of the month. Until then, take care.

- Lo

i was constructed for you and you were molded for me.

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
~ Henry David Thoreau

Need I say any more?  This week has been horrible on my emotions, but at the end of the day I still fall asleep thinking of him.  That could be because I fall asleep while texting him, but I think the feeling goes deeper than that.  I know that I love him.  I think that this love has seeped outward from my heart and has just taken over my entire mind, body, and soul.  If I could describe it, I would say that it consumes me.  He is everything to me, now and forever.  I know this for sure.  I will always love him, even if one day he doesn't love me back.

Let me tell you a little story.  I once met a boy in a strange place.  Immediately, I knew he was different.  He was unlike any other boy I had met in this place.  He was funny, and he was nice to me right away.  He went along with all my crazy stories and he didn't mind my over-usage of emoticons.  I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't interested in him.  But I avoided  these feelings, for a little while at least.  However, I soon gave into those feelings and I thought he had some as well.  But far too soon, I was proven wrong.  Let's just say he changed his mind about these feelings.  And so ensued another two years of friendship, filled with enough difficulties to last a lifetime.  We made it through though.  And now here we are.

Only three short years later, I'm back at the same place I was right after we met.  A few years older and wiser and hopefully less naive, but the feelings are the same.  Actually, they are quite a bit more intense than last time.  But once again, I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry sometimes about a repeat.  I know it's not fair, that he's far more committed than last time and we've talked about it.  But it's still so hard, especially when I think I'm not good enough.  He's a beautiful person and I'm lucky to have gotten to know him.

What amazes me in particular is that he seems just as committed and serious and happy as I am.  In fact, it feels like loving a reflection of myself, in terms of emotions concerning this relationship.  That's something I feel so lucky for - that I love someone who seems to love me just as much in return.  As long as I can continue to surprise him and make him happy and be everything positive in his life, then I think I could be content for the rest of mine.  I love him that much.

It scares me that I love someone so seriously at this young age.  And yet, I wouldn't change a thing.  Young true loves are rare, but I think we could have one.  That sounds really serious and like a lot of commitment, but to be honest, I don't want anyone else.  I only want him and I know he's the only one I'll ever want.  I have some weird kind of confidence in this.

So if you're reading, know I love him.  Know that I would do anything for him and that I'll always love him.  Know that if I could, I would never leave his side.  Know that he makes me happier than I've ever been and could ever do.  Know that he is everything to me.

- Lo

can you lie next to her, and give her your heart?

"All I need right now is for you to wrap me up in your arms, look me in the eyes, and tell me you won't ever give up."

~ Anonymous

I'm such a hopeless romantic.  But you would never know it.  It's a part of me that I hide and keep locked up, so that no one can exploit it and more importantly, so that I don't act in an embarrassing and cheesy manner.  Of course on the blog, that's something that can be difficult to hide.  The way I see it right now, I might as well write about what I'm feeling so that I'll have some kind of record of it to look back on some day.  But back to the hopeless romantic...

I love when someone talks to me just because they had the urge to.  Not for any specific reason, just because they thought of me.  I love cheesy romantic comedy movies sometimes.  Even though the happy ending stories are unrealistic, there's just something about them that I really like.  I'm a sucker for a good story.  I think I love cuddling with the right person; I've never actually done it in a place where I feel comfortable, but it's something I can imagine in my head.  I love the good little surprises and the little things.  I love so many things, many cheesy and some that are just personal preference.  I don't know where it all came from, but it's a part of my inner personality.

That's why I talk about my feelings and go on and on about how amazed I am lately.  My life feels like a fairy tale; a movie I would watch or a book I would read.  I feel such good things and it seems like I'm receiving the same feelings in return.  I tell you how I feel and you assure me you feel the same.  It's hard to believe that you might be serious.  It's like you're just saying exactly what I've wished I could hear you say for a year, and yet there's no way you could have known.  You couldn't have known most of  the blog posts were inspired by you, that my thoughts often travel to you, and that whenever I imagined my future you were somehow a part of it.  You couldn't have had any idea because not only did I not mention these things, I denied them myself.  Whenever I found myself imagining these things I would shove it out of my mind, believing that it would never happen and I was being a dreamer.  But now they are happening and it feels so surreal.  It's a blessing that I am so lucky to have you.

If you want to know the truth, I think I always loved you.  Even when I denied it and I did all that I could to not feel anything other than friendship for you, I don't think I succeeded.  I tried to make sure that I was always available in case your feelings changed, but I would convince myself it's just because I wanted to be your friend.  That's it, just a friend.  But I couldn't convince myself of that.  Some might say that's a way to waste precious time, but I would disagree.  What's the point in going after something else if you know what you love?

And now, I wait.  Actively waiting, mind you; always trying to find a way to see if this is really real.  If the feelings and energy are still there when the distance fades or if I've been deluding myself all this time.  I don't want to disappoint or be lower than expectations and I'm afraid that I won't be as special or good when I'm around.  But I don't focus on that.  I try and focus on that fairy tale ending and believe that I will be good enough.  I'll always love you, I know that much for sure.  I just hope you'll feel the same.  But no pressure,  ever.  That's just my own selfish little wish.

- Lo

you'll say baby how's your day, i'll say crazy but it's all gonna be alright.

“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. 
You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”
~ Gone With the Wind (1939)

That's taken from the movie.  I found it on a website when I was looking up quotes and I kind of liked it, both because it reminded me of myself and of so many other things.  I also found it a little bit humorous.  In a way, it's what inspired me to write this post.

Whenever I decide to take a risk, I always make sure to have a backup plan.  A just-in-case-it-doesn't-work plan, if you will.  I make sure to have my escape plan and a way to save myself.  A way to back out.  I always have a plan so I don't end up screwed over or left without a way to return to normal.  I guess I've never given a hundred percent of myself to anything.

Until now.  I've finally found something that I've given all of myself too.  There isn't a backup plan this time.  If something goes wrong, I won't be able to ignore it or pretend it never happened or deny that I made a mistake.  I'll have to own up to my mistakes and live with the consequences.  And while for any other situation that may have been a scary thought, now it's something that I actually embrace.  I'm so happy and I know that giving all of myself is the only way to experience the absolute best.  I want everything that I can get from this situation and I know that if I hold back I might miss out on a piece of wonderful.

I am so deliriously happy all the time.  I'm currently loving and trusting and hoping beyond hope.  I am filled with positive and happy feelings.  I won't lie, I also have many times where I wonder how I got so lucky and how undeserving I am to have him. Him who is so much more than I am.  I'm also paranoid of it ending because I know these feelings that I have are ones that I'll never lose and I'm such a dreamer that I'd like to think that it will never end.  I'd like to think that I can't lose and that I'll hurdle the obstacles and everything will work out.  I won't lie, I can't see it any other way.  There is no other path.  There's just this.  I've avoided thinking about it for years, keeping on my escape plan and avoiding getting hurt and getting into situations where I might get hurt.  In fact, I contemplated even writing this stuff down because I'm not sure how people will react.  But honestly, I'm at the point where I don't care.  I'm that far gone into this that I don't care what people think.  As long as it doesn't ruin anything, I'll be alright.

This is all there is.  My life revolves around thinking about it (considering I spend 7 hours a day sitting by myself in a 10x10 box that's a lot of thinking time).  I want it more than anything.  I am so filled with good that it's hard for me to comprehend most days.  What's even harder to understand is that right now it seems to be working out really good for me.  The scariest thing is giving 100% trust, but I'm doing it. I'm trying really hard.

- Lo

lost in a day, in a way it's the same as the one before.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ Robert Heinlein

Today's post is going to be a little different.  I've been trying for quite some time to find something worth blogging about, and I think I've found it.  During my recent internet surfs, I found myself looking for quotes.  Or rather, pictures of quotes.  There are many out there, and so many that I haven't found yet.  But what I decided to do was every time I read one that reminded me of something, I saved it.  Now, rather than have it clutter up my computer space, I think today I'll post them here and explain what they mean to me.

I finally understood what I was looking for after reading this.  I had been searching for something to help explain what I was feeling and what I should do and I had no idea how to voice this desperation to figure it out. Then I read this and I realized that's exactly what I wish I had.  A search engine to tell us how people feel, so I don't have to take unnecessary risks or I can see who I'm annoying.  I could search what I should do in order to avoid annoying people or making them mad or dislike me.  There  are so many ways that I would use a Google search for feelings that it's incredible.  I guess I just wish I had a cheat sheet to life.

The interesting thing about this one is that I hadn't even been looking for quotes like this while I was searching.  I was just looking and I found this and a light went of in my head.  A slightly perfect description for what I felt like once upon a time.



Yep, pretty self-explanatory.



So, I found this and I'm not even sure if this is a real expression, but that's what I feel all the time.  After every conversation, I replay it in my head because I always feel like I screwed it up or I forgot to say something.  I hardly ever feel like a conversation was completed.  It happens all the time, no matter what I do or try. L'esprit de l'escalier; I don't even know why it's called that because that means "spirit of the escalator".  Not that that really matters though.

Interesting.  Is this proven?  I believe it regardless.



Oh, Optimus Prime, how you inspire us humans.  This is so true.  We hesitate, we don't say a word, until it's far too late and we're left with heaps of regrets.  Personally, I have taken to not leaving things unsaid, but it's difficult.  It requires taking risks and risks are something we avoid.  I don't know why, but that's just what we do.

This one relates to the above.  It's all about the risk-taking.




 
You, yes you.  I want a hug that will last for a long time, that makes me "forget what the ground feels like".  A really, really long hug haha.  That's not all I want, but that's what I would settle for in the first moments I see you.

These both are clearly related to the same idea.  I had one person in mind when I found these.  There are so many facets to how I feel about this one person and this is just one.  Just one of many.  There's something about being able to do this that seriously appeals to me.  Even more than the appeal of having many facets to my relationship with this one person.  Actually, these reminded me of our conversations.  The first one reminded me of one in particular, and the second reminds me of how I feel.  You are amazing and I am less than.  You have experience and I'm innocent in the fullest part of the word.  I lacked courage for so long and now I trust you and it terrifies me still.  Because I'm so much less and I don't want you to realize it.  There are other reasons why I thought of you when I read these but I won't post them here.

  This one makes me think. And terrifies me in a way.  I have nothing else to say about this one right now.






- Lo

people think you're lucky, but you know it's grace.

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life isn't perfect.  In fact, it's anything but perfect.  Life is full of surprises and you will never know what will happen until it does.  Life is in your face, constantly shoving and pulling you down, but it will also pick you back up again.  Life is what we live with, we deal with.  It's everything we are and everything we choose to surround ourselves with.  It's beautiful and complicated.  Life is different for every creature on Earth and none of us have the exact same experience.  That's part of what makes it so amazing.  Life is this.  You're living it.  And you only get one shot.

Love is tricky.  It's almost impossible to understand, but it's necessary in our lives.  Love comes in many forms.  It can be in the form of a relative or a friend or a first love or a love as ancient as the sea.  It can be love for a subject, an object, an action.  Love is difficult.  It can bring you up and drop you back down.  Love can make you question your entire existence.  It can fill you with happiness.  It can be exactly what you need to feel whole. Love can help or ruin a friendship.  It can allow you to find yourself and find what you need in someone else.  It's a thing of wonder.  It's something you'll work endlessly to try and find.

I love quotes and stories about life and love.  Those ones that teenage girls write on their tumblrs or blogs or wherever else they feel like writing them.  Some are actually inspirational and some are relate-able.  Some make me think and others make me hope that I never feel like that.  It's all a matter of perception sometimes.  My perception is strangely skewed a lot of the time, as I often feel like I'm a burden and bad person.  That's just me.  I guess it's the trade-off for being allowed to be happy most of the time.  It's like, you can feel happy but you'll regret all your actions later.  I'm not sure why I feel like that, and to be honest I wish I could be completely oblivious to what other people might be thinking about me or what I do.  I wish I could just float along happily, not caring about the way I word things or how I say things.  It would make it so much easier for me to talk, I think.

But at the end of the day, life and love are what matter.  And no matter how confusing it all gets, I'd rather have these adventures than be alone and lonely for the rest of my life.  I just hope it all gets figured out one day.

- Lo

just say yes, it's all i want.

If you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
~ Erica Jong

It's too funny how I hear that lyric right while I'm thinking of what I should do.  I'll try and keep this post brief because there's just so much going on and I have a tendency to say more than I should.

I just wish risks weren't so risky.  That defeats the purpose of a risk, I know.  But I know I like you, I hear you like me, and yet I don't know where to go from here.  What do I do? How do I do this right? I don't know how to do anything the right way so I usually just wing it.  And unfortunately, my risks don't usually work out.  But I don't give up haha; this much is obvious.

So, I'll try it.  I'll speak up.  There is no "right time" so stop waiting for one. I tried waiting for the perfect opportunity and it never came.  So just do it.  Take that risk you're worried about.  You have absolutely nothing to lose.

- Lo

if you wanna rock, i'm ready to roll.

Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.

~ Ray Bradbury

Hello.  Today is one of those days where I'm right on the brink of giving up on things that I have been trying to attain.  It's the kind of day that follows a week of feeling utterly useless and pathetic.  In the past week, I've felt like there's not possible way anyone could like me and that I'm a real idiot for thinking otherwise.  The week prior, I was on cloud nine.  So I'm not really sure why there was such a drastic change in my mood, all I know is that I was concerned that someone didn't really like me anymore, which is a rather ludicrous thought now that I think about it.  Today, I'm getting over the silly self-conscious mood.

I'm also deciding to stop waiting for the "right time" for things, and to just do them.  I know that my being extremely shy doesn't help my case at all, but I just need to work past that and I'd be okay.  I also need to get over being afraid of bothering people and being afraid that I might be that annoying person that no one likes.  I already know that none of it is true and it's just my perspective and low self-esteem, but still.  On some days, it's hard to not think of stuff like that.

Overall, I don't think I'm very good at expressing my feelings or thoughts.  I have a feeling that when I try, it just doesn't make sense.  I guess it's because I don't like divulging my inner thoughts and I'm terrified of what people think of me.

Just reading this post again makes me realize how much being shy and not talking has prevented me from some pretty good things.  You would think that I would learn by now to open my mouth and not let opportunities and people pass me by.  I'm sorry that I missed such opportunities.  But I still have time left, so it's time to stop procrastinating, time to stop being afraid, time to man up and just do what I want to do and feel is right to do.  If it's a mistake, well then it's a lesson learned.  I think as a whole, society is too afraid to make mistakes and I am the biggest example of that.  I hate making a mistake, but I think I ought to accept that it's going to happen.  It just is.  It's time to live and not think so much.  Just stop over-thinking, Lauren.

- Lo

this is more than entertainment, this is the only thing that is real or true.

Adolescence is when girls experience social pressure to put aside their authentic selves and to display only a small portion of their gifts.
~ Mary Pipher

It's so easy to make-believe.  A game of pretend, believing for a little while that things are different.  Fake it 'till you make it, that kind of thing.  Sometimes though, it doesn't seem wise to pretend.  For example, today I would rather not pretend that I have a huge amount of confidence.  I would rather tell someone that I'm terrified of not being good enough, or interesting enough, or too annoying, then pretend that I have it all together.

It's not even that, though.  It's more like, I'm afraid of getting hurt if I let someone in.  It shouldn't matter by now, but for some reason I can't stop caring.  I'm afraid to show people the thoughts in my brain or if I tell them some of my ideas.  I just feel like, if I didn't pretend to be super happy or if I don't stay as quiet as I usually do, then people wouldn't like me.  It's not like I even pretend or make personality or anything like that.  I just don't come across as outgoing as I feel some days.

Of course, there are days (like today) where I feel so shy and insignificant that I'd rather not be seen.  I don't feel good enough to deserve certain people and I really don't think I should be talking at all.  I tend to make rash and reckless decisions.  I tend to feel like the world is out to get me and that no one likes me, when in fact (to my knowledge) that isn't true at all.  I know somewhere inside me that it's just a stupid perception that comes with my past, but it's not something I've yet been able to skip past.  And the worst part is, I don't even understand it.  I don't know why I feel this way.

Deep down, past the fake confidence and this stupid moodiness,  I actually feel so happy I could sing (an expression haha).  And yet I can't share that feeling with anyone.  For some reason, no one wants to listen to why I'm so happy.  And I guess I can't blame them.  No one likes someone that talks about being happy when things are less than rosy for them.  Not that I would ever do that, but I guess no one wants to hear that I'm even happy either, after so long of not being so.  I don't mind I guess.  It just means that I have all this feeling inside and no one to share that with.  I don't know.  All I know is that I'll just keep helping everyone with their issues and leave mine for Blogger.  It's not a big deal, I guess.  I better stop now haha, I'm sounding too bitter for my own good.

- Lo

i wouldn't want to be anybody else.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

~ Barbara de Angelis

I am a lucky person.  In all honesty, I probably don't even realize how lucky I am.  I have the best friend in the world; I can tell him anything and he somehow understands me in a way that no one else does.  I can tell him everything I can't tell anyone else.  I'm lucky to know really good people and share good times with them.  I've experienced things that no one else has and all-in-all those experiences have made me a better person.  I've recently had a lot of good luck come my way.  I'm lucky to be so happy and to have things work out the way I wanted them to.  I'm lucky to have things to look forward to in the future.  I may have many shortcomings, but for right at this moment, I'm content with where I'm at.

- Lo

if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe.

The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.
~ Benjamin Disraeli

The hardest part of anything for me is the beginning.  Once I get started, ideas, words, and actions come easily.  But it often takes so long just to find the right introduction or beginning.  Take these blog posts, for example.  I'll sit here for a good fifteen minutes, trying to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it.  Then once I force myself to write something, the ideas just flow.  I'll just start writing and not thinking as much about what I'm  saying.  Then, I go back and edit it all later.  Often, I'll change the beginning.  But it's just getting that start that gives me trouble.

This translates into real life as well.  If I want to meet someone new, I'll fret for days over how I should approach it.  But once I get up the courage to start talking to them, I just go with the flow.  Or, if I want to talk about something specific with someone I already know, I have to think about what I'll say first.  It's like I psych myself up and get all nervous over nothing.  Actually, that's exactly what it is.  I'm so afraid of screwing up and getting things wrong that I'd rather not take the risk sometimes.  It's a stupid quality of mine.

It's just a little thing that bothers me, but it makes it really difficult to get anything done if I can't even start it.  I should just stop trying to be right and doing the exact right thing all the time, haha.

- Lo

you think you're so persuasive, but i'm not giving up.

The attempt and not the deed confounds us.

~ William Shakespeare

It's very difficult to write about things that I'm feeling sometimes.  Today is one of those days where I am feeling so much and want so much more out of life that it's impossible to concentrate on only one emotion or thought.  The result, for me, is often an utter lack of focus and a mood of slight desperation.  I have the tendency to over-react to situations on days like these.  The worst part is that I have no idea what I want; only that I want something.  Often, I later realize that I already have that something but I just didn't realize it.

Today, I feel like I'm in the peripheral on life.  Or rather, that I live my life but it hardly intersects with the lives of others.  At least, not to a point of any importance.  In a sense, I feel like if I were to disappear for a few days, life would not be so different without me.  I know this isn't true (or rather I feel like it isn't true) but it is a persistent little nagging thought in the back of my mind today.  It's like that itch you can't scratch.

Additionally, another thought that has been pulling at me is the one concerning one of my most serious wishes.  I wish, more than almost anything, that I lived near some of my best friends.  I have wished this for years now, and each time I  think I have an opportunity to at least visit the place, it somehow falls apart.  I'm very persistent in wishing I were there and I think at times I take it far more seriously than it needs to be.  Perhaps the best course of action for now would be to relax and just take life as it comes.  Certainly I can hear a voice telling me that now.  However, the reason I cannot just let it go and let it come to me stems from my fear of people leaving.  I am honestly afraid that these friends will stop talking to me before I find a way to them.  I've been told that is a silly thought, but I can't help but think that.  People always leave.  That's kind of been the mantra of my life and I really don't think I could handle not ever meeting these people in particular.  I'm afraid that if i don't keep trying, I'll miss an opportunity.  And I really don't think I could deal with that.  I often wonder whether I should apologize for being so intense about finding a way there.  Maybe, they're secretly hoping I never show up.  That would be a big surprise for me, to be sure.

In a different train of thought, I ought to continue working on my writing.  I have a number of essays, a travel review, and a novella to write and I think I may run out of time for the them.  I've been working on an essay today, but it just takes so long to write when you're trying to perfect the ideas that are in your mind.  I find I write things down as I think of them, and then it's a matter of refining them and changing words and phrases so that it sounds more persuasive and informative.  Thankfully, I can do this quite well in a short amount of time, but today it took nearly three hours to write one paragraph.  As for the review, well I am writing of my trip to Peru.  I could write a novel about the trip and I already have two full pages written and I haven't even gotten through the first day yet.  The novella is a large task and while I do have a couple pages written and have a map of how it is going to go, I feel unable to actually sit down and write anything.  I don't have the drive or inspiration lately.  I'm not sure why, since I seem to be perfectly capable of writing.  I just can't make myself write that particular story.  It's a good thing that I love writing, since I'm guessing it'll probably be very near the deadline before I finish these things.

I apologize for the seemingly random thoughts I've written today.  As I mentioned at the very beginning of this post, I have been unable to focus on any one thing today.  My mind wanders and when a new thought intrudes, I just write it down.  I'm sure all will return to normal soon as this mindset is probably a result of being in the house for too long.  Happy Easter,

- Lo

was it something i said, or just my personality.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
~ Harriet Lerner

There are two issues that are making me a little angry today.  I don't like being angry, so I hope that writing them down will get rid of it and I can continue along my merry way.  These don't deserve my rare anger, but I can't help it.  I hope they're worth being angry about.

I can't trust anything.  With every person and every situation I'm always wondering whether it's all a lie or a game just to make a fool of me.  I want to be ignorantly happy and not mistrust.  But it's so difficult when every single time I trust someone, they turn and stab me in the back or else abuse my trust.  I know this is true because a friend once told another friend of mine that she doesn't have to worry about me because I'm not strong enough to challenge her.  What kind of friend is that?  I trusted you.  I thought you were one of my best friends, but if you like being my friend just because you can use me, well, that's not very nice.  What did I do to deserve that?  She's not the only one who does that though.  There are people who use me or else take advantage of me in some way, I know that.  And I just let them, because I don't want anyone to be angry at me.  But I wonder, are people really so ruthless that they would ruin someone just to get what they want?  The obvious answer to that is yes, and it's such a shame.  I don't know what to do to resolve this.

The other issue that bothers me is one that I think is worth being bothered by. Here I am now - finally starting to be able to be close to people, after years of not really being able to.  Then, this boy comes along and for some reason he won't leave me alone.  For some reason, he always feels the need to touch me in some way whenever he's near me.  I mean really, even you must know this is wrong.  I've told him countless times to just leave me alone and not to touch me, but he doesn't get the hint.  The part that I seriously don't like is that it always feels creepy and wrong.  Like, he grabs me innapropriately.  Yesterday, for example, I passed him in the hall and he grabs my very upper thigh.  He does not have the right to do that.  I'm not sure what I have to do to get that through to him.  He's on my bus as well and whenever I used to let him sit with me (due to the lack of seats) he would practically drape himself all over me and grab my legs whenever he wanted.  He's also grabbed me around the waist from behind when I didn't know he was there.  Maybe you don't think it's bad, but I can't stand it anymore.  Especially after I've already told him not to touch me.  Everyone thinks he's really creepy with me and I agree wholeheartedly.  I'm so frustrated and I actually hate having to be around him now.  Honestly, what did I do to deserve that?

- Lo

what we know is almost nothing at all, but we are what we are until the day we die.

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."
~ Anonymous tumblr blog

It's kind of funny that I'm using the above statement for inspiration for this post because I bet you'll automatically assume that I'm upset or feeling something like that.  But no worries; I'm not.  It's just inspiration.  Like a quick-write exercise, my thoughts wander to completely different ideas than what the prompt would suggest.  Continuing on to what I wanted to say...

I found this on some other website, and I must say that I immediately connected with the statement.  I know exactly what the author is feeling and she has adequately described how I used to feel all the time.  I'm proud to say that I got over this way of living, but I'll admit that sometimes it's still hard to not worry about everything.  On rare days now, it's hard to not wonder why I still feel lonely sometimes, and why sometimes it feels like no one likes me.  Though I know that a lot of my negative thoughts aren't true, it's still hard to push them away entirely.  It's a process I'm working through, but I know it can be done.  I'll master it.  That perfectionist in me will find a way.

I have ridiculous thoughts and ways in which I would like the world to work, but it doesn't work like that.  You can't force things to go your way: the world would collapse if everyone tried doing that. Don't try and change everything else; change yourself. 

That is a very valuable lesson that I am trying to teach myself.  Rather than wanting you (and I'm thinking of a particular person here) to be what I think would be most beneficial for you, I need to learn to accept that people screw up and that I'm not right all the time.  I mean, yes, I know when I'm wrong sometimes, but I really have to learn to not try and change you.  I have to stop it now, I know.  But if I'm being honest, the only reason I try to reason with you in the first place is because I'm afraid of losing you.  It's irrational and entirely baseless, but I'm so used to everyone leaving that I've come to live by doing absolutely anything so people won't leave. 

All my ways of thinking are so convoluted, I know that.  But I want everyone to know that I only have the purest intentions and I only want to help  No matter how useless my way of helping might be.  And, I want you to know that I care more than anyone can comprehend.  Even I don't understand why I care so much about certain things.  I just can't help it.

- Lo

we'll never be strangers kissing in the pouring rain.

But when a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.
~ Jane Austen

I think this quote was rather appropriate today.  I stayed up pretty late last night so today I'm tired, which in the long run equates to a lot of pointless thinking and worrying.  Today's thoughts revolve around the risks I take, the ones I wish I took, and the scary thought of jumping out of my comfort zone.

From today's quote, the idea that "something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way"; I think I agree with that.  I know that whenever it seems like I've gotten on my feet and am finally okay with life and not looking for anything, then something walks in my life and throws it all off-balance again.  It's a tiring cycle of chasing.  I screw up often, and usually things never work out, but I never stop.  I learn a new lesson each time, which makes every failure worth it.

I've once again found myself with a "hero" thrown in my way.  This time around, I've been trying to do everything the "right" way.  But I've been sticking to my comfort zone, and making sure that I don't do anything out of order.  It's good, but boring and worrisome.  Lately, I've been wondering if I'm not going about it all the wrong way.  I really want to take a risk, but obviously it's a scary thought.  In this case, the "heroine" isn't so heroic.  She'd rather sit in the background than take action.  She'd rather be right, she'd rather not make a mistake.  She'd rather no one find out.  But deep down...she wants to have a storybook tale and take a risk and see if it works. 

I want to see where it takes me.  I don't want to wait or time things out perfectly.  While on the one hand, I am notorious for over-thinking, I also don't think long enough in some situations.  I'm so impatient and imperfect and sometimes I can be reckless. 

I want to be the heroine again, not the damsel in distress.

- Lo

we are young; we run free, stay up late; we don't sleep.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
~Irene Peter

Came but for friendship, and took away love.
~ Thomas Moore

Welcome to the new format of my blog posts.  I like to change things every once and a while, and this is what I've come up with.  Today's themes include change, love, and friendship. I'll probably throw around the L-word a lot in this post and it'll probably be the only time I say it for a while.  I believe you should only say it if you mean it, so it's very rare that you'll hear me say it out loud.

I believe that change is essential.  Most of the time, I enjoy change and welcome it with open arms.  Other times, I would do anything to avoid my life changing.  There are only a few times where I can really say that I didn't want things to change.  I didn't want friendships to change, I didn't want school years to end, etc.  However, once it happens I adapt and get over my fear and get on with my life.  One thing that always happens when I find out that change is coming though is that I'm kind of afraid of it.  Even when I'm excited, I still have that little bit of fear.  I guess that comes from having to leave my comfort zone, but since I force myself out of it so often one would think that leaving it wouldn't bother me as much.  It's not something I can get over though.  Every time, it gets me.

Why am I talking about change?  Well, it actually relates to friendship.  I've recently experienced several changes in that department.  First, the change in behaviour of a couple good friends.  It's very strange to me when someone acts differently around me. I get paranoid and wonder what they're thinking and wonder what I did wrong or what circumstance could have made them change their ways.  I can't just jump in and immediately adapt to that kind of change. 

One of these people started being more open with me, and I'm still a little skeptical.  I'm thrilled at heart and I love it, but I'm nervous that at any moment they'll close back up.  I trust that it won't happen or that I'll notice before it does so that I won't be surprised, so to speak.  I hope it won't happen, but one can never know.  I love everyting about them.  Another person has closed up and doesn't really talk as much anymore.  I've tried having conversations, and nothing I say seems to really get through.  We don't even really talk; we just make jokes and have the basic five sentence conversation.  I have yet to figure out what's changed, but I'm not sure I really want to know, to be completely honest.  Finally, I've come to terms with a very good friend of mine.  I had been skeptical that we weren't on the same page about our friendship, but ever since February I've become more confident that we are what I want us to be: just really good friends.  In fact, I think he might be seeing a girl now, which puts me at ease and makes me feel more comfortable about walking around the halls with him.  People know we're just best friends, and that's exactly how I like it. 

These are the changes in friendships that I've experienced, and I know that more are to come.  I can just feel it, somehow.  Actually, I'm probably going to force it.  This is a bad habit of mine.  I don't know why I do it, but I always feel like I have to shake things up every once in a while.  I try to branch out and meet new people, but I always make sure to keep everyone in my life.  I expand, not replace.  There are people that could never be replaced in my heart; never in a million years.

Moving on...I know I'm lucky to be surrounded by people that I enjoy spending time with and talking to.  I also know that sometimes I might take some people for granted.  I try not to, and I really value everyone, but I know that you never truly know what you have until it's gone.  However, there are a couple people that I wish would get the hint that I do not like clingy situations.  I've tried being nice and I still am nice about it but they really just don't seem to get the hint.  Yes, they are boys I go to school with, and I know what it's like to like someone but if that person told me that I just want to be friends and that I didn't like being clingy, then I would back off.  Unfortunately, these two don't seem to get it and I'm afraid that my other friends might intervene soon because it's frustrating for them as well.  Please, you don't have to stand right behind my shoulder and not say anything.  Please, don't pat me on the back awkwardly for no reason.  Please, keep it friendly, not creepy.  These are the things I wish I could say, but I really don't want to be mean.  I did like being friends with them, but things just got really creepy and uncomfortable.  I'm so sorry; I feel awful thinking like this but I just have to say it.

I have been meeting new people as well though that I truly enjoy.  The people I went to Peru with were all really good people and I loved spending eleven days in the foreign country with them.  There are people at school that I never really talked to in years past that I now talk to practically everyday.  I have a couple people that don't mind helping me with calculus when I don't understand it and I really don't think they'll ever know how valuable their help is.  Speaking of calculus help, this one guy that has truly been amazingly helpful is one that I have an interest in.  He seems shy, like myself, so I really have to face it and initiate conversations.  He's a really nice person though and he opens up right away once I say something.  I'll be honest with you, I first noticed him last year and I only just got up the nerve to speak to him in the past month or so.  I like talking to him so I hope this becomes a good friendship.  I know better than to expect more, but it is in my head.  It feels really exposing, talking about this to you, Blogger readers.  I apologize for such details if you didn't want to know them.

I have a really good friend too that I really hope I remain friends with in the years to come.  We've been friends since ninth grade but only just became really good friends this year and the year before.  We have so much in common, including a love of books and writing and a low tolerance for certain things.  She is hilarious and we have such good times together.  I don't know why it took so long for me to realize how much I really value her friendship and that she really is one of my best friends, but I'm glad I did.  She makes every day at school that much better.

Finally, I don't know where I would be without my faraway friends.  The ones I never see.  The ones who don't live anywhere near me.  They make me laugh.  They teach me things I never knew.  I can tell them anything.  I love them all to death and I would do anything for them.  I am so lucky to have met them, and I don't think it was a coincidence.  They were all meant to be in life and I'm so thankful they are.  I can't imagine life without them.  The Newfies are my favourite people to talk to because they're all so funny, witty as hell, and smart too.  They make me wish I lived there.  That's the only sadness in my faraway friends: I never get to see them.  One day though, I can promise you that.  Soon, if I can manage it.  It's incredible the plans I've come up with to get out there, it really is.

That's all for today.  I think I should tell you too that I appreciate that you read my blog.  I see on my stats where everyone is from (not who you are, so don't worry about that) and it amazes me what countries have people in them that have seen my blog.  It's an incredibly good feeling, for some reason.  So thank you for making my day!  Goodnight now,

- Lo

the only one for me is you, and you for me.

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a nasty foreign parasite who had much time on her hands.  Due to this, she had done much thinking in the past couple days and realized that it had been quite some time since she had last wrote a blog.  She figured that since she had such time to spare, she should write one.

First, to get the introspective thoughts out of the way.  Today someone told me that they miss "the good ol' days".  This of course refers to days in months and years past where everyone was innocent and life wasn't so difficult.  While I don't necessarily feel this way since I'm thrilled with life right now, I was struck for a moment by a feeling of melancholy.  In only one area do I miss those "good ol' days".  It's not right, since I still have these people in my life, but sometimes I miss our schemes.  I miss staying up until five in the morning on skype and I even miss being made fun of everytime I went on.  I miss playing internet games and scheming against everyone else.  I miss openness.  I miss our immaturity.  That's the only thing I miss from the past and I only miss it on days when I have too much time on my hands or when I realize how different everything is.  But all in all, I'm very grateful to have those experiences even if they're gone.  Everything changes, I have finally come to realize, and it would be stupid to wish for everything to be like it used to be.

Now, to move on past that kind of blogging... I have just returned from 11 days in the wonderful country of Peru.  That is part of the reason why I haven't blogged in so long.  Experiencing Peru was absolutely incredible and if you ever have the chance to go, I suggest you do so.  Machu Picchu is one of the new Seven Wonders of the World and after spending two days there, I can definitely see why.  It's incredible, looking down at the Inca village.  I climbed the big mountain behind it too - that is probably the proudest moment of my life.  I couldn't tell you exactly what Peruvian food is like, since we weren't allowed too much variety due to the fact that our systems wouldn't be able to handle the differences.  But we did have chicken and rice twice a day for 11 days.... I never want to eat chicken and rice ever again haha. 

Our group discussed everything that we wanted to eat when we returned home and looked forward to it so much by the end of the trip.  And then I got really sick the day we had to leave.  I could barely stand, and I couldn't eat or even drink because it wouldn't stay in.  I had an 8 hour plane flight starting at 11pm and I think I spent the majority of that flight doubled over in pain.  Then another hour flight.  My mom says I collapsed in her arms when I got into the airport.  We went immediately to the hospital where it's been determined that I got some kind of parasite over there.  I'm not sure how I got it, since I'm the only one that did and I didn't eat or drink or do anything different than everyone else, but I do know that it's the worst pain I have ever experienced.  As a result, I haven't had a meal since March 14th, any little activity makes me tired, and I take antibiotics, codine, and gravol twice a day.  This all sounds really dramatic but I am recovering very quickly and should be back to normal soon.

I believe that's all I have to write for now and I'm sure this blog is difficult to read.  I'm not really paying attention to what I'm writing, to be entirely honest.  I'll leave you now with a couple pictures from my travel.  I took close to 1000 pictures in all that time haha.  Take care!

- Lo