they steal you with hello, they kill you with goodbye.

Love means making the other happy, even from a distance.
~ Unknown

Two things just jumped in my head right now and I feel like I should write them out and get them out of my head so I might continue on with my life.

The first is: I'm not sure why, but I tend to befriend guys more often than girls.  I like everyone really, don't get me wrong, but for some reason I find that my best friends are guys.  You would think that it would be awkward at times, but really it isn't.  Except when girlfriends are involved but I like them all too so it's best kind really (on a side not, I cannot believed I just used that saying..people are rubbing off on me).  But anyway, I find that I like hanging out with them because it's always chill and I know where I stand (that girl that they like to tease). However, it also makes my life difficult because for obvious reasons you can't always hang out or chat or what have you.  I'm entirely sure that no guys want a girl trailing after them all the time.  And when it comes to living arrangements, count yourself out because that's a bad situation all together.  Not that I mind, it just means I have a lonely existence at times.  I do have girl friends, but they all have best friends and girls that they'd rather hang out with instead of me and that's alright.  I don't know why I don't usually 'click' with them though.  I mean I know why I didn't here in my hometown, but at school even, it's always been a little awkward with me and them.  I don't think I'm unfriendly!

I also admit that it crosses my mind often that it must bother my very dear friend.  Because I know to him it must just look bad.  It must look like I'm the worst kind of tramp and I'm inviting all kinds of bad attention. But I swear, it's never like that.  I literally hang out with these people to get food and on weekends we have a drink or two.  However, I understand where any bad feelings of his might come from.  Were it me, I would be insanely suspicious if he hung out with a girl every single day.  Even if he told me they were just friends and that was all he thought of them as.  For my part, I would be suspicious of her.  I trust him, but girls are so sneaky and good at deceiving to get what they want.  And guys fall for it too...

This actually brings me to my second item.  I'm a smidge worried about my emotional state.  I mean, I'm not too worried, because it's December and as a rule it's the worst month of the year for me (that and January) so I'm sure everything will be fine.  But still.  Emotionally, I'm paranoid and afraid and I consider pulling out of life emotionally just in case I get hurt.  Because I really do put my heart into everything 110%.  And it's just so fearful.  I don't like hints of endings and I don't like giving up and I don't like thinking that something might be impossible.  Not when I'm so young.  My life is just beginning: everything is possible.  However, I do know that I'm incredibly patient when it comes to waiting for something I really want.  I also know I think way too far ahead in the future, but it gives me something to look forward to.  Perhaps.  I love being happy though.  I hope it continues and that all my fears might be erased.  I understand why they maybe cannot be though.  I understand entirely and completely and I think it's because I understand that I'm a bit afraid and contemplating removing my heart from harm's way for a little while.

Under normal circumstances in other years, I would be too overbearing and doing everything in my power to stop things from changing but I'm not doing that now because it never works.  And I just look like an idiot in the head.  All I'm going to do is trust that my heart is safe and I'm going to believe that I am worth it.  I know that if I tough out the hard times where it feels like everything in the future is uncertain, I can certainly find the love and good times ahead.  All it takes is a little patience.  And I have that patience. And that hope.  I trust that nothing with harm me.  And that is what gives me peace and happiness.  And that is why I will never pull out emotionally.  Loving someone is worth more than that. :)

Happy holidays to you.  I hope they are merry!

- Lo