No Title Necessary

I need a place to rant.  Not even to rant, just to speak.  I feel so often like I cannot and should not talk to people about how I feel, because it really is too much of a burden.  No one should have to deal with the kinds of thoughts that I have.  And yet, I can't just keep it to myself.  I go insane and implode.  No, I need to get it out somehow, and I've been thinking for a long time that I should blog about it.  That way I can just speak and rant and no one has to hear it if they don't want to.  I feel like it's an alright trade-off.  I do wonder though...what do normal people do? Do other people actually talk to people about the scary thoughts in the deep dark corners of their brain? Or are they just much better at handling them alone than I am? Or maybe, do they not even have the kinds of thoughts that I have?  These are the things I wonder about.

I can't shake this one thought.  It comes up whenever I find myself alone for too long, or after I've watched a really good movie, or finished a good book.  Primarily, it comes up when I spend too much time thinking about the people around me and how everyone just seems to be so happy and surrounded by such good people.  Don't get me wrong, I do have the best friends anyone could ask for, I have the best boyfriend that anyone in the world can ever have (he's mine.), and I have a loving family that I am so grateful for.  I'm not hard done by, by any stretch of the imagination.  But I find myself alone often.  My friends (all of them) are in such loving relationships and I'm so happy for them.  The person I love currently lives across the country and while I spend as much time talking with him as I can, I do have those moments of loneliness.  And my family seems to have moved on without me, and when I come home they can hardly put in the effort to just hang out with me.  Everyone just seems too busy for me.  I sound like a little spoiled child, I know it.  And I'm not meaning to.  I don't know what's wrong with me and I hate myself for it.  I am like a child haha; I just don't want to be alone.

That's my biggest fear.  That somehow, I'll find myself all alone to grow old and I won't get to experience the happiness that everyone else seems to have.  And that scares me.  I want to be happy, I want to give the love I have inside, and I want to give everything I have.  I feel so unfulfilled.  Sometimes, I feel a miserable old lady when I see happy couples because I don't currently get to experience that exactly.

To the person I love: if you're reading this, and if I know you, I bet you'll take this to heart.  I bet you'll think I'm unhappy with you or something of the like, but you couldn't be further from the truth.  I want you to know that these are just the rantings of a girl whose mind goes a little crazy when you're gone.  That sounds bad I bet, that I'm too attached and can't spend a second alone.  But that's not it.  I love you with all my heart, and to be honest, sometimes I worry when you're out at night and I don't know who might try and steal you away.  Even though my head knows that you love me and you don't see them like that, my heart still gets scared.  And it scares me to imagine what my life might look like if you were ever gone.  That makes me go crazy more than anything.  Don't get mad, I know you love me and that there is nothing to worry about. Forever and ever, amen.

- Lo.