i'm screaming your name all around the town.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was pretty good at "fake it 'till you make it".  However, she did not want to use this post to talk about herself and how she worked as a person.  No, this post was to be a letter.  A letter in which she could write what she was thinking and know that it would never be brought up.  If you do not wish to read another letter, I wish you the best day and that you remain happy always.  But if you do...

To Whom It May Concern,

Hi.  I wonder if you realize that I'm writing to you.  I wonder if you get tired of my letters; the ones I share with you and the ones I refuse to.  I also wonder if you understand that I write letters in order to share feelings I can't just state outright.  I promise not to waste too much of your time, I just wanted to tell you some of the things that I can't bring up in a normal conversation because really, I don't like being the mushy one.

First, I would like you to know that though I say it often, I really don't think you understand how much I care about our friendship.  I don't even understand why I feel so strongly.  Lately, all I can think about is how unfair it is that we happen to live so far apart.  Maybe that's childish and if we did live closer we wouldn't be as close as we are, but hey that's the way she goes.  I want to tell you to just come stay for a while this summer or next year, I know it's not realistic.  Some days it feels like all my ideas aren't realistic and that makes me feel so helpless, like I'll never meet you.  In actual reality, I know that's not true because I will figure it out.  I think it's become a life goal to figure out how I will ever see you.  Probably because I don't see how I could ever not know you. 

Alright honestly, I go back and forth in my head all the time whether to tell you any of this or whether I should just keep it to myself.  I'm terrified that the fact that I feel that strongly about it is what will eventually push you away.  I'd never know because you're too nice to ever say anything.  But I'm begging you to help me figure it out.  Tell me to stop thinking about it, tell me it'll happen, tell me that I'm not insane for wanting a physical friendship with you.  When I say that too, I mean like normal people.  Where I can see you, and hug you when necessary and not having to rely on words.  Because if our relationship with just words is so amazing, can you even imagine what the physical component would cause?  That's what I look forward to.

There are so many things I have to tell you.  But I'm afraid it's too much.  We don't have a line drawn or any boundaries, which I love, but I'm afraid that there'll be something I say that'll be just too far out there.  You hardly ever say anything about it, which makes it really hard to know when I'm pushing it.  This is not the blame game - I know why you do it.  But that's why I can't tell you what I'm really thinking.

You're an amazing person, especially for putting up with me and all the things I can't say but want to.

- Lo

between school, athletics and music, it's all day.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who really did not have time to be blogging but really needed a break from trying to cram information into her head.  She decided on a quick post in order to share some of the events going on in her life as well as some random thoughts that she did not have room to be thinking about.

First, exams.  The woe of her life.  Actually, that wasn't true.  She didn't really mind them all that much.  However, she actually legitimately studied for the first time in her life this exam session.  Chemistry was a thorn in her side and she wanted to be done it so badly, since she really did not like science all that much.  So she wrote out all of her notes and essentially condensed the course into 21 double-sided pages of colour-coded writing.  Which helped.  She wrote her exam today and found that it wasn't so difficult, other than that she was fairly certain of a couple questions that she answered the wrong way.  But what's done is done and there was nothing more she could do about it.  Her marks were out of her control.

Unfortunately, she had to spend so much time studying for chemistry that she didn't really look over her notes for history and french.  Thus, she now had one night to study for both subjects, before she had to write the exams the next day.  She was in for a night of serious cramming.  Luckily for her, she excelled in both subjects.

Additionally, exam period marked the end of the first semester; something she was very excited about.  The boring and difficult subjects were taken during this semester and she was looking forward to a break.  Even though she was taking two math classes (data and calculus) she was looking forward to it because she really enjoyed math.  Numbers and formulas made sense.  Concrete information makes sense.  Hypotheticals like you see in science did not make much sense to her.

The thoughts that were in her head all technically related and she knew that anyone reading her blog would not find them that fascinating or interesting.  She was also going far past the break time she had allotted herself.  Therefore, she would finish her post with a promise to blog about something more interesting than school next time.  Adieu,

- Lo

listening to the people screaming out more, more.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was taking a break from studying for a chemistry final.  She was thinking of a lot of things while she was studying and she felt like she should post a blog to talk about something that was plaguing her mind. 

She wanted to talk about sickening clingy relationships.  When someone cannot even move without their significant other being aware of every move, that was too clingy for her taste.  She did not understand why some people would let their boyfriend or girlfriend dictate what they could or could not do.  Not even in a controlling manner, but just that they couldn't do anything without their partner knowing about it.  She also didn't understand why once a girl starts dating a boy, she forgets about all her friends.  Not to say that this was happening to her, but that it was just a fact that she was noticing.  She believed in having independence even when in a relationship.  Mostly because of their age.  Teenagers did not need to be spending every waking second with their boyfriend/girlfriend and being so intense about the whole thing.  She wanted to know why dating couldn't just be fun and why it had to be so serious all the time, where once a person started dating someone, then their whole life revolved around that person until they broke up.  She didn't want a clingy relationship.  If that's the only kind of relationships there were in the teenage years then she figured she was probably better off not in one at all.  She also realized that she just wanted to have fun and be happy, and if a relationship ruined that, then she didn't want it right now.  Maybe later, when life was more serious, but at the peak of her teenage years when life is still kind of easy and fun - why would she want to ruin that?

That's all she wished to elaborate on.  She felt like writing another short story, but definitely did not have the time what with studying for finals and applying for scholarships and other random things.  Another time then,

- Lo

everything's gonna be okay.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wished to deviate from her usual routine of blogging about things that bothered her in the back of her mind.  She decided that for today she would post from her past, to show how much she had grown emotionally in the past year.  She had been browsing through old saved documents of hers and she found some of them hilarious and some not so much.  The following are a collection of excerpts from some of her works, both fiction and blogging-type documents alike.

Number One: Prologue from My Sixteenth Year, story started on November 21, 2009.

You never know what you have until it’s gone.

I have yet to hear a sentence that is more true to my life. Looking back on the years of my life there are very few events that stand out prominently. But the one year I will never forget, is the year I was sixteen. It’s hard not to remember everything that happened. Once upon a time I wasn’t sure why that was the case, but then I came to a conclusion.

I remember everything I did and everything that bothered me and everything that happened that year because you were there. Ever since my sixteenth birthday you were there, and you taught me so many things about life. I learnt what to let go, and what to fight for. I learnt what was important and what should just be left in the past. But most importantly, I learned how to be a better person. And I owe everything I learned that year to you.

You made the difference in my life, even if you never realize it. I never fully realized it until later, when it was too late to tell you how much you meant to me. But I have the opportunity to let my, our, story be told for everyone to read.

There are few things that I will always remember, but I will always remember you.

This story never really got past the prologue.  I wanted it to be a reflection of events that I was going through in my life at the time, as well as a re-write of a previous story I had been writing.  I never continued writing it though because I didn't have the time nor the motivation to continue writing.

Number Two: Taken from Random Paragraphs for Use in Stories

There are very few things I can compare to the joy of discovering a new friend.  There are also very few things that compare to the pain of the eventual loss of said friend.  I’ve had the unfortunate privilege of experiencing these two very different emotions many times so far in my life.  I’m not even sure why it happens.  All I know is that I really wasn’t looking to go through the whole process again.  I was happy with what I had and keeping my distance.  I wasn’t looking for anything else.  That is until I met you. 

I remember exactly who I wrote this about.  A person I thought could be a good friend to me, and actually turned out to be not that great of a friend at all.  I'll admit I was naive, and I was lonely at the time.  I let my guard down far too easily and I got burned.  It happens, but it took me a long time to realize that it isn't the end of the world to lose someone and that sometimes, people will betray you.  Consider the lesson learned.

Number Three: Once again taken from Random Paragraphs for Use in Stories

The keys moved effortlessly under his fingers, the notes flowing flawlessly even as I watched with held breath.  Every sound ringed pure and clean.  The melody was beautiful, haunting.  I could feel his pain traveling from his fingertips into his work, heartache and loss expressed equally.  As the sound faded away, I found myself wiping wetness from my eyes.  I couldn’t remember when I had started crying.

I'm not entirely sure what the inspiration was in writing this one.  I was probably upset about something but to be honest I think the real reason I wrote it was that I had found a piece that I truly enjoyed playing and I thought of an idea to write a story about a musician with a dark secret.  Secrets are kind of my writing go-to when I need inspiration hahah.  I think that could of at least been a rather decent short story if I used it.

Number Four: Taken from Silence, a short story

There’s something to be said about silence. For many people silence is a bad thing, requiring some noise to drown out the echoes. It’s true what they say – silence is deafening. It infects your every pore, settling over you, and making you think about all the things you may not have wished to think about previously.

Personally, I don’t mind the silence. I enjoy thinking about those difficult topics which bring me sadness, or those I do not like to think about because maybe they aren’t so true and rather are just imaginations of my head. Silence brings sadness, and sometimes sadness is the perfect cure to a depression. Sadness makes everything that much more real and tangible, and you can feel everything so much clearer.

Silence allows me to think about conversations I’ve had, and wonder whether I said the right word, if I got my point across, or if I should have done something differently. Almost every time I realize some other idea I should have said. Thinking about these kinds of things in silence has made me realize that I am not a very good cheerleader on command. Give me even a few more minutes to step back from the situation and assess what the right thing to do would be, and I can find it. But in the heat of the moment, when someone truly needs cheering up, I often stutter (not literally of course, rather a stuttering in thought).

I was reflecting on myself in those paragraphs.  I was wondering why I never seem to be able to come up with the right thing to say until way after the conversation is over and it's too late.  I was frustrated that I couldn't help people more.  I still struggle with that, but it's not as bad as it used to be. 

Number Five: Excerpt from January 13th, 2010, a collection of random thoughts

I was asked why I don’t trust anyone.  Well I ask you, would you trust anyone if you knew that they would leave eventually?  Would you honestly put yourself out there, knowing that in the end you would be hurt?  And it’s not like it just happened once, or a couple times.  No, it’s everyone ever since you were little.  Could you really allow yourself to open up again?

Yep, that document was full of super depressing material.  Seriously, it's disturbing all the things I wrote.  I would be tempted to say that it looked really dramatic, but at the time I was incredibly depressed.  I guess I never really sat back long enough to evaluate my life and realize I was in a downward spiral at the time.  The winter depression usually hits, but this year I'm actually pretty good.  I'm happy!

Number Six: Excerpt from Chapter One of Through These Eyes

“How is your writing going Charlotte?” Mr. Ellsworth asked, leaning over my shoulder to read what I had written so far. I sighed and put my pencil down. He was always interrupting me just when I finally had inspiration to write.

“It’s going well sir,” I replied, more courteous than honest.

“Interesting topic,” he commented, looking at me over the top of his glasses. “You really believe that your life changed on the school bus?”

“Yes sir, I firmly believe that had I not gotten on the bus that day my life would be completely different,” I said, not backing down from his challenge. Mr. Ellsworth liked to try and prove you wrong all the time, no matter whether you were right or not. The trick was to tell him that you believed in what you were saying and he would back off.

“Well, I bet you will find that there are many people that disagree with you,” he said simply, already having turned his back to critique someone else. I sighed again. There was no pleasing him.

I looked down at the small paragraph I had written. The school bus was the first thing that popped into my head. It wasn’t my fault Mr. Ellsworth was a horrible English teacher that liked to give writing assignments with the weirdest topics. Today’s topic was “What event marked the biggest change in your life?” and for most of the class I had been at a loss. I could think of several events that affected me deeply, but none that I wished to share with him or anyone else. The school bus was the first thing I thought of that I could write about with a light heart.

I glanced at the clock. Only three more minutes until the final bell would ring. I packed up my books and pencils and stared at the door until finally the bell rang. Thankfully, my locker was close to the English room so I didn’t have to travel the busy halls. I spun my combination and stowed everything on the top shelf before grabbing my backpack.

This one could still be a good story if I ever feel like picking it up again.  It was a reflection of real events that were happening in my life, but not entirely.  I've heard that good authors can put aside their personal life and write a good story out of their head, but for me I find that my best works come from personal inspiration and when I have the proper mood to write.  That's probably why none of my stories ever get finished!

Number Seven: Excerpt taken from Smile, a collection of random musings

His smile was so inviting.  That’s what you remember.  When all the other memories blurred together, you never forgot his smile.  It was the thing that alerted you that everything was okay and you weren’t being rejected.  His eyes were kind, and his actions even kinder.  Everything he did that night made you fall even further, as though you hadn’t fallen far enough already.  You had absolutely no control over your actions that night.  The fact that you were a little bit intoxicated probably didn’t help either. 

Hahah before you wonder what I was on about there, this is one of the few writings that do not have to do with my life.  I was trying out different perspectives and this was just one of the many that I was testing out.  The hopeless boy-crazy teenage girl, like the ones that post a million Facebook statuses about their feelings in a not-so-secretive way.

That's all I really have to share with you.  Most of my other fiction works were posted on various websites, but those are just some of the ones that no one but myself have ever read.  I find them amusing to read now.

- Lo

i said remember this moment in the back of my mind.

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, we reached the milestone of a new year.  Two-thousand-eleven.  What a mouthful.  As the new year came in full force, I thought a lot about how I wanted this year to turn out.  I also thought about things I found important in my life.

This year is important.  I graduate high school, after what seems like both an eternity and a far too short amount of time, all at once.  I've applied to university, and already been accepted to two of my three choices with acceptances earlier than the usual early acceptance.  That is surely something to be proud of.  I have to wait until February though to hear from my first choice for early acceptance.  That waiting is really difficult but I hope I get accepted to that one.  The other thing that I've been very busy with is scholarships.  I know it's incredibly expensive to go to post-secondary and I don't want to be in tons of debt by the time I finish, since I have at least another six years of schooling to go.  I'm working on applications for many and am still looking for others I might have a chance for.  Between all of this and grad photos and everything else that revolves around graduating, it's both an exciting and scary time in my life.

With all this being said, I reached a bridge I did not want to be crossed.  For the longest time, I have wanted to go to Memorial University of Newfoundland.  There are multiple reasons for this, but the main point is that my parents didn't want me to.  I was told that if I went despite their wishes I would essentially be kicked out of the house.  (This is of course because it's quite a distance from where I live).  The thing is, I was going to apply and go regardless, because I wanted it that badly.  Then, I had a truly superb summer here and I realized that if I went all the way out there then I could not come home as often as I might want to.  So, I didn't even bother applying, even though it would be a much cheaper university to go to and it had some other aspects that I really liked.  Now, I'm incredibly sad that I don't have this opportunity because I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to go.  I plot far too much, I know, but when you have the motivation I do and the same stubborn-ness, you'll do anything to succeed.  I was desperate, I know it, and maybe I didn't plan it out properly.  But that is something I can't regret because it will ruin me.  I can only hope that I might one day get the opportunity.

I also reflected a lot on my relationships with people.  When it comes to people in this town, I try not to get too attached.  This is no secret to the people that read the blog so I won't reiterate everything.  We all know that there's only few people I've allowed myself to have any form of attachment to, and none of these few live in this area.  Sometimes I wonder how I met these people, but most of the time I'm just incredibly grateful that I'm able to know them and be friends with them.  These relationships had me questioning (and I still wonder) what it means to love someone.  Not so much in the romantic sense, but rather in the way that you want the very best for them and you want to do whatever you can to help them.   You would do anything just so they could be happy.  Is that love?  I'm not sure.  It's still something I struggle with.  I didn't like feeling so close to people that could disappear at any moment, but I've realized that that's what it means to trust.  You have to understand that you could get hurt if you give people valuable information about yourself, but trust is just hoping they won't leave.  I struggle with this as well, and I'm only just getting used to not keeping absolutely everything to myself.

Finally, I thought about my future.  I still don't know what exactly my career path has planned for me.  I did come up with a firm list of things that I am going to do, if not this year, then in the next couple years.  Visiting someone that means much to me is near the top.  It really kills sometimes when you can be so close to someone and yet you can never see them.  You can talk to them but you can't really see their facial expressions.  It's a weird conundrum and lately it's been driving me absolutely crazy.

That's all for now, I fear this story has gotten far longer than I anticipated.  Overall, I hope that 2011 brings the happiness I'm looking for and the love and trust I've been missing.  I also hope that on the whole it will be much better than the past year was.

- Lo