"My life is a tragedy because of you."
Someone told me that a little while ago. Just needed to get it out of my head because that sentence has been driving me crazy lately. It's alright though. Happy Holidays!
- Lo
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
if you'll be my strong and steady, i'll be your soft and sweet.
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
~ Peg Bracken
"Dear Santa,
How are you? I hope you're well. I hope all the elves and reindeer are working hard and hopefully Mrs. Claus has cookies for everyone! Is it as mild up at the North Pole as it is here? I'm afraid that we're going to have a green Christmas. It's worrisome. What will the polar bears do?
I have to confess, I don't think I've been as good a girl this year as in other years. I've made a lot of people angry. I've hurt people. I've made them sad. I try really hard to be the perfect little girl, Santa, but it just doesn't always work out. I'm always a little bit behind and it causes me trouble. Maybe I could play things off when I don't quite understand but I'm also a little bit more than irritating, as I'm sure you've heard.
I don't know what's happened to me, Santa. I used to be on top of things and I used to know how to read people. When did I lose that gift? When did I turn into a person that I'm not proud of, a person I wish I didn't have to be? I don't like being me. I'm not the kind of person that people want to be associated with. I'm not the person that they ever want to fight with because I'm horrible in an argument. I'm not the kind of person anyone wants to talk to. I don't blame anyone though. Just myself. I have no one to blame but myself for the person I've become.
But it bothers me. Why can't I remember things? I used to be able to remember everything TOO much; never could get anything to leave my head. And now...sometimes I forget what people said only minutes after they said it. It's not that I'm not listening; because I sincerely am. I don't understand. Today, at the doctor's office, she told me some things and I can't seem to remember what exactly they were. That's just a mild example. This not remembering keeps getting me in trouble with everyone I care about. They think I don't care and that's not it. I'm trying so hard. I'm not mean, I'm really not.
So Santa, if I could have anything this Christmas, it would be forgiveness. Forgiveness from everyone for all the stupid things I've done this year. I would want me back, the one who was selfless and who was good. I would want hope, that what I want in life will happen. I would want the peace of mind that everything is going to be okay. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like everything is going to feel alright. Lately, it feels like I'm on the edge of the cliff of my happiness and I'm wavering precariously; just barely saving myself from falling over the edge.
I just want to believe. I want to believe that I am not a waste of a human and that I'll actually accomplish something with my life. I want to believe that I'm going to have love in my life and that it'll be with the person that loves me more than anyone. I want to believe that I'm going to find a way to go back to being the perfect listener, the best kind of friend. I want to believe that one day, people will want to be my friend. I want to believe that I don't always have to be alone; trapped in my thoughts and all of my mistakes.
If you could give me that, Santa, I would be the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. There's one other thing I want, and that is to be shown a way to make everything I want in life interact and mesh together perfectly. I want that happily ever after. Somehow. If you could give me a happily ever after, there's nothing I would ever need.
Thank you for reading my letter. Once again, I hope everyone is well. I'll leave cookies and milk out for you on the kitchen table, just in case you decide to come visit my little brother. He deserves a good Christmas, even if I don't.
Sincerely,
-Lo "
~ Peg Bracken
"Dear Santa,
How are you? I hope you're well. I hope all the elves and reindeer are working hard and hopefully Mrs. Claus has cookies for everyone! Is it as mild up at the North Pole as it is here? I'm afraid that we're going to have a green Christmas. It's worrisome. What will the polar bears do?
I have to confess, I don't think I've been as good a girl this year as in other years. I've made a lot of people angry. I've hurt people. I've made them sad. I try really hard to be the perfect little girl, Santa, but it just doesn't always work out. I'm always a little bit behind and it causes me trouble. Maybe I could play things off when I don't quite understand but I'm also a little bit more than irritating, as I'm sure you've heard.
I don't know what's happened to me, Santa. I used to be on top of things and I used to know how to read people. When did I lose that gift? When did I turn into a person that I'm not proud of, a person I wish I didn't have to be? I don't like being me. I'm not the kind of person that people want to be associated with. I'm not the person that they ever want to fight with because I'm horrible in an argument. I'm not the kind of person anyone wants to talk to. I don't blame anyone though. Just myself. I have no one to blame but myself for the person I've become.
But it bothers me. Why can't I remember things? I used to be able to remember everything TOO much; never could get anything to leave my head. And now...sometimes I forget what people said only minutes after they said it. It's not that I'm not listening; because I sincerely am. I don't understand. Today, at the doctor's office, she told me some things and I can't seem to remember what exactly they were. That's just a mild example. This not remembering keeps getting me in trouble with everyone I care about. They think I don't care and that's not it. I'm trying so hard. I'm not mean, I'm really not.
So Santa, if I could have anything this Christmas, it would be forgiveness. Forgiveness from everyone for all the stupid things I've done this year. I would want me back, the one who was selfless and who was good. I would want hope, that what I want in life will happen. I would want the peace of mind that everything is going to be okay. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like everything is going to feel alright. Lately, it feels like I'm on the edge of the cliff of my happiness and I'm wavering precariously; just barely saving myself from falling over the edge.
I just want to believe. I want to believe that I am not a waste of a human and that I'll actually accomplish something with my life. I want to believe that I'm going to have love in my life and that it'll be with the person that loves me more than anyone. I want to believe that I'm going to find a way to go back to being the perfect listener, the best kind of friend. I want to believe that one day, people will want to be my friend. I want to believe that I don't always have to be alone; trapped in my thoughts and all of my mistakes.
If you could give me that, Santa, I would be the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. There's one other thing I want, and that is to be shown a way to make everything I want in life interact and mesh together perfectly. I want that happily ever after. Somehow. If you could give me a happily ever after, there's nothing I would ever need.
Thank you for reading my letter. Once again, I hope everyone is well. I'll leave cookies and milk out for you on the kitchen table, just in case you decide to come visit my little brother. He deserves a good Christmas, even if I don't.
Sincerely,
-Lo "
Sunday, December 18, 2011
they steal you with hello, they kill you with goodbye.
Love means making the other happy, even from a distance.
~ Unknown
Two things just jumped in my head right now and I feel like I should write them out and get them out of my head so I might continue on with my life.
The first is: I'm not sure why, but I tend to befriend guys more often than girls. I like everyone really, don't get me wrong, but for some reason I find that my best friends are guys. You would think that it would be awkward at times, but really it isn't. Except when girlfriends are involved but I like them all too so it's best kind really (on a side not, I cannot believed I just used that saying..people are rubbing off on me). But anyway, I find that I like hanging out with them because it's always chill and I know where I stand (that girl that they like to tease). However, it also makes my life difficult because for obvious reasons you can't always hang out or chat or what have you. I'm entirely sure that no guys want a girl trailing after them all the time. And when it comes to living arrangements, count yourself out because that's a bad situation all together. Not that I mind, it just means I have a lonely existence at times. I do have girl friends, but they all have best friends and girls that they'd rather hang out with instead of me and that's alright. I don't know why I don't usually 'click' with them though. I mean I know why I didn't here in my hometown, but at school even, it's always been a little awkward with me and them. I don't think I'm unfriendly!
I also admit that it crosses my mind often that it must bother my very dear friend. Because I know to him it must just look bad. It must look like I'm the worst kind of tramp and I'm inviting all kinds of bad attention. But I swear, it's never like that. I literally hang out with these people to get food and on weekends we have a drink or two. However, I understand where any bad feelings of his might come from. Were it me, I would be insanely suspicious if he hung out with a girl every single day. Even if he told me they were just friends and that was all he thought of them as. For my part, I would be suspicious of her. I trust him, but girls are so sneaky and good at deceiving to get what they want. And guys fall for it too...
This actually brings me to my second item. I'm a smidge worried about my emotional state. I mean, I'm not too worried, because it's December and as a rule it's the worst month of the year for me (that and January) so I'm sure everything will be fine. But still. Emotionally, I'm paranoid and afraid and I consider pulling out of life emotionally just in case I get hurt. Because I really do put my heart into everything 110%. And it's just so fearful. I don't like hints of endings and I don't like giving up and I don't like thinking that something might be impossible. Not when I'm so young. My life is just beginning: everything is possible. However, I do know that I'm incredibly patient when it comes to waiting for something I really want. I also know I think way too far ahead in the future, but it gives me something to look forward to. Perhaps. I love being happy though. I hope it continues and that all my fears might be erased. I understand why they maybe cannot be though. I understand entirely and completely and I think it's because I understand that I'm a bit afraid and contemplating removing my heart from harm's way for a little while.
Under normal circumstances in other years, I would be too overbearing and doing everything in my power to stop things from changing but I'm not doing that now because it never works. And I just look like an idiot in the head. All I'm going to do is trust that my heart is safe and I'm going to believe that I am worth it. I know that if I tough out the hard times where it feels like everything in the future is uncertain, I can certainly find the love and good times ahead. All it takes is a little patience. And I have that patience. And that hope. I trust that nothing with harm me. And that is what gives me peace and happiness. And that is why I will never pull out emotionally. Loving someone is worth more than that. :)
Happy holidays to you. I hope they are merry!
- Lo
~ Unknown
Two things just jumped in my head right now and I feel like I should write them out and get them out of my head so I might continue on with my life.
The first is: I'm not sure why, but I tend to befriend guys more often than girls. I like everyone really, don't get me wrong, but for some reason I find that my best friends are guys. You would think that it would be awkward at times, but really it isn't. Except when girlfriends are involved but I like them all too so it's best kind really (on a side not, I cannot believed I just used that saying..people are rubbing off on me). But anyway, I find that I like hanging out with them because it's always chill and I know where I stand (that girl that they like to tease). However, it also makes my life difficult because for obvious reasons you can't always hang out or chat or what have you. I'm entirely sure that no guys want a girl trailing after them all the time. And when it comes to living arrangements, count yourself out because that's a bad situation all together. Not that I mind, it just means I have a lonely existence at times. I do have girl friends, but they all have best friends and girls that they'd rather hang out with instead of me and that's alright. I don't know why I don't usually 'click' with them though. I mean I know why I didn't here in my hometown, but at school even, it's always been a little awkward with me and them. I don't think I'm unfriendly!
I also admit that it crosses my mind often that it must bother my very dear friend. Because I know to him it must just look bad. It must look like I'm the worst kind of tramp and I'm inviting all kinds of bad attention. But I swear, it's never like that. I literally hang out with these people to get food and on weekends we have a drink or two. However, I understand where any bad feelings of his might come from. Were it me, I would be insanely suspicious if he hung out with a girl every single day. Even if he told me they were just friends and that was all he thought of them as. For my part, I would be suspicious of her. I trust him, but girls are so sneaky and good at deceiving to get what they want. And guys fall for it too...
This actually brings me to my second item. I'm a smidge worried about my emotional state. I mean, I'm not too worried, because it's December and as a rule it's the worst month of the year for me (that and January) so I'm sure everything will be fine. But still. Emotionally, I'm paranoid and afraid and I consider pulling out of life emotionally just in case I get hurt. Because I really do put my heart into everything 110%. And it's just so fearful. I don't like hints of endings and I don't like giving up and I don't like thinking that something might be impossible. Not when I'm so young. My life is just beginning: everything is possible. However, I do know that I'm incredibly patient when it comes to waiting for something I really want. I also know I think way too far ahead in the future, but it gives me something to look forward to. Perhaps. I love being happy though. I hope it continues and that all my fears might be erased. I understand why they maybe cannot be though. I understand entirely and completely and I think it's because I understand that I'm a bit afraid and contemplating removing my heart from harm's way for a little while.
Under normal circumstances in other years, I would be too overbearing and doing everything in my power to stop things from changing but I'm not doing that now because it never works. And I just look like an idiot in the head. All I'm going to do is trust that my heart is safe and I'm going to believe that I am worth it. I know that if I tough out the hard times where it feels like everything in the future is uncertain, I can certainly find the love and good times ahead. All it takes is a little patience. And I have that patience. And that hope. I trust that nothing with harm me. And that is what gives me peace and happiness. And that is why I will never pull out emotionally. Loving someone is worth more than that. :)
Happy holidays to you. I hope they are merry!
- Lo
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