can't go back, i'm haunted.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who pondered several questions she found important to her.  She wanted to know the answers to these questions, but unfortunately for her they weren't questions that had any helpful answers.  The only way to know was to wait and be patient.  But she wasn't very good at patience so she often felt hopeless when thinking about these things.

The first thing she wanted to know was why she felt so attached to one person.  Why did she feel like her world was somehow tied to this person's in a way that were he to disappear, she wouldn't know what to do?  This isn't to say that she couldn't live without him - she had done so before.  But what she wanted to know is why she felt a small piece of dependency.  She had always prided herself on being completely independent; never needing anyone or anything to help her get through a tough time or to provide her with happiness.  So why was it that this one person was the one who could always make her feel better after a bad day, or amuse her with simple things, when no one else - not even herself - could?  Why couldn't she let go or go for days without speaking to him when for everyone else she didn't feel such an attachment?  Why did she feel so horribly guilty whenever she was angry and took it out on him, when she usually got over it with an apology with anyone else?  She knew she loved him in some capacity; you can't be that close to someone without loving them.  She also knew that the love she had identified was the same kind you associate with a really good friend or relative.  But she also had confusing feeling in regards to this person as well.  She knew that she couldn't imagine her life without having him in it, but she didn't know why that was.  What made this relationship so special that she couldn't bear if it were to ever not exist?  No matter what changed in her life, this was one of the very few constants.  Maybe that was why she depended on it.  Sometimes she didn't like it, but most of the times she loved it more than almost anything else in her world.  She supposed she should just wait, and probably shouldn't try to figure out such a complicated mess.  Just enjoy what she had and leave the detective work for later.

The other question she pondered, was why she seemed destined to be alone.  She wondered what made her so awful that she always had to be alone and could never get too close to anyone.  She lasted for a couple months at most, then either she would drift away into anti-social behaviour or the other person(s) would not want anything to do with her anymore.  Was she that horrible a person?  What was it about her that made her so undesirable to everyone?  Even to herself?  Why couldn't she trust anyone and why did she want to get out of dodge as soon as she could?  She wondered if she was following a bigger purpose or if she was just too afraid to make attachments because she had gotten hurt so often.  She didn't really feel emotiona hurt that much anymore; the sharpness of that kind of pain had dulled into acceptance.  She knew that emotionally she was far out of sync from everyone else.  The path her life was taking was far different than everyone else.  The normal pattern of things that teenagers do didn't really happen with her.  For some things that was very good and yet for others it made her question her own life.  Was it something she did or said?  Was it the way she looked that made her so different than everyone else?  The question that hurt her most of all was, why did everyone leave?  She hadn't had a true best friend in many years.  Not since she was nine years old.  There was always something, where she felt she couldn't really confide in anyone, she couldn't trust anyone, and she could never let down her guard.

The two major areas she questioned related in that they were somewhat opposites.  She couldn't trust and couldn't get close to anyone, and yet she was trusting this person not to leave her.  She was trusting that he would always be around, no matter how old they got or where their lives took them.  She wondered if subconsciously she hoped that she would get to be with him one day, not just virtually, but actually hug him and know that he was real.  She was embarrassed by that, because it signified weakness in her eyes.  He was a strong individual; why wasn't she when it came to them?  She also knew that it was possibly wrong to feel so strongly about their relationship - after all, he had all the people in his life; what could he possibly want with her? 

She knew she wasn't good enough and that he would probably think her thoughts were silly, and yet she wrote them down anyway.  She knew he'd find them one day and she was trusting that he would tell her if she was wrong or if she was right.  Maybe that was all she craved - for him to really tell her what was going on.  To help her make sense of it all, instead of just mindlessly plowing through and ignoring everything that should be discussed.  So she waited for that day when everything would finally make sense, and she could stop wondering secretly in the middle of the night.

- Lo

and if you asked me if i love him, i'd lie.

Once upon a time, there was a girl.  She was very busy, and yet not busy at all.  She was happy and yet at times she felt like she was missing something important.  She had some of her life figured out, and yet she still didn't have a clue of what she was doing.  She was a mystery, one that no one seemed to be able to understand.

All she wanted was to be friends with everyone; boys, girls, younger, older.  Anyone.  Unfortunately for her, this sometimes led to mistakes.  She let the wrong people get close and as a result she became too afraid to speak her mind, even over the simplest things.  She would change her mind over saying hello to someone she wished to befriend because she wondered if people wouldn't like her or would think she were weird or something.  She thought everything over at least three times before she said anything.

She also had two guy friends who began to annoy her endlessly.  They became clingy and innapropriate.  She considered one like a brother but he ruined it by being incredibly clingy and she believed that a lot of people thought she was secretly dating him, even though she could never and would never do such a thing.  The other boy she thought she could be friends with, but his comments just made her uncomfortable all the time and so she came to also not want to be around him because it was really not what wanted.  She wanted to get away from them somewhat and talk to different people but she was shy, and she didn't know how to say anything without thinking that it sounded strange.  She was also incredibly afraid of being shot down.  And so she pulled away and lingered for a while, trying to figure out what to do.

Her life was good, she couldn't deny it.  She had almost everything she could ever dream of, and she was happy.  Her wish had come true.  But she was terrified of failing.  She was afraid of everyone disliking her or thinking she was weird.  She cared far too much about what everyone thought of her.  She couldn't help it, but she tried her very hardest to do her best in everything and she hoped that one day she would succeed in befriending all those around her. 

She also missed her very best guy friend whom she hadn't spoken to in ages.  He always knew what to tell her, even if he hardly spoke at all.  It was a friendship she hoped to keep forever, no matter the distance, because they were meant to know each other and to be friends, for a very long time.

This girl was a little different; her interests were incredibly varied and she loved to be social but lacked the confidence to act on it.  But she tried hard, and in the end it may prove to be successful for her.

- Lo

the kind of girl you want; she is everything i'm not.

Once upon a time, there was a girl.  She had all she needed to be happy.  And she had finally found herself a state in which she was happy the majority of the time, despite being incredibly busy and having much to stress about.  She was happy all the time, but for some reason old habits die hard.  She would on occasion find herself lonely or wishing that she were a better person or she looked better or a number of other imaginable flaws.  She didnt really feel anything when she was in such a mindframe, but she would be distracted for a time wanting something she didn't really want.  She got over it quickly and life moved on, but it was a rather irritable occurrence.

Another habit that refused to die was her inability to get close to anyone.  She always had to keep some distance between herself and everyone.  A lot of it was due to not wanting to appear clingy when she was so not even close, but part of it was always to wait for something or to always have an excuse why she shouldn't be close to the people that knew her the best.  Especially when it came to guy friends.  She liked their company but worried that they might see their friendship as more than it was.  And she didn't want to ever be in the situation where she had to be mean about it so she often reminded them that they were like brothers to her - and that's all there ever would be. 

She had to do this with two people in particular because they just didn't seem to get the hint.  She enjoyed their company and being able to talk about stuff, but that was absolutely it. She wasn't in denial like some would speculate; on the contrary she was very sure of her mind and her feelings.  She viewed them like more younger siblings.  And she knew if they opportunity ever arose, she would have to hurt them if they tried to make it more than what she wanted.  This she feared very much.  And so because of this fear, periodically she'd push them away, to try and create space.  It wasn't a situation she liked, but it was necessary.  And she'd keep doing it until they realized.  She had to come to learn about herself and the situation that she would rather be alone then have to fake her feelings.  She just couldn't do such a thing.

But it made her wonder, why did they have to push the issue so, when she'd made her feelings very clear?  And why did it seem like the end of good friendships was near, when it didn't have to be that way?  She pondered it and to this day she still does not know.

- Lo

the life of the party, you're showing off again.

Once upon a time, there was another girl.  She was smart, pretty, outgoing; basically she had all the features you would expect in your all-American type small town girl.  She had a lot going for her.  But she had her heart broken and was scrambling to find her way back to what she considered normal.  I won't say I knew a lot about her life, because I only knew what I saw and what she told me.  And I had been gone for a long time. 

I learned a lot from her though about the complexities of small town life.  I was still your average small town girl, but I was trying my hand out in the city.  Bigger, slightly more people; I was trying to escape the problems she proved to me that there were.  Let me put it simply. In a small town, everyone knows everyone else.  When there's a little over 300 kids in your high school, it's very hard to hide anything from anyone.  Rumours, truths, any gossip going around is known by everyone.  Even the teachers start to give you advice for your problems.  At the time when I reconnected with old friends, I had been missing the small town atmosphere because it was more personal, but when she would tell me all these stories, I realized then that getting out had been the best thing I could have done at the time.

But what bothered me was an attitude.  It was that attitude that screams "I-can-get-anyone-I-want".  Now, I don't usually care one way or the other how confident someone is in their ability to get other people, but when you actually start to consider breaking people up because you want a guy, then I have a problem with that.  But once again, that's kind of part of our small town life.  That's just how it goes.  If you can't hang on to the one you're into, then maybe you weren't supposed to be together.  That's the mindset.  I'm well-versed in this, and I've more than my fair share of being on the losing end of things.

Well my friend with her broken heart was trying to heal herself, and inevitably she entered the rebound stage.  I was trying to help her and I can admit that we had some pretty awkward moments.  At one point we were both interested in the same person.  I probably shouldn't have been taken in by his charm, but even the best of us fall off the wagon sometimes.  But again, inevitably, her 'I can get anyone' attitude bested me.  Then that wasn't good enough and she moved on.  This story in itself would take a while to tell and it still isn't over, but for now all you have to know is that she got over this rebound.  Then we went to a school game and I listened the whole time as she basically scouted who she thought she might like to have a relationship with at some point. 

The thought that struck me was how confident she was.  She believed that she actually could end up with anyone just because she wanted it.  She didn't even consider what their plans or feelings might be.  It was as if everyone would just give her what she wanted.  And the really sad thing is, that's probably what'll happen.  I don't know why that is, but I know that I could never have the kind of certainty that she did.  It honestly shocked me.  I realized then that we were not on the same page like we were when we were kids.  It was also then that I realized that I was glad I got out that small place, even if I miss some people every single day and there are days that I wish I knew everyone in my school personally.

I hope she gets what she wants.  And I really hope that whatever ends up happening makes her happy.  Because sometimes, having that confidence is what helps people get through their day.

- Lo

we've got bills to pay, we've got nothing figured out.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved her family and friends very much.  Deep down, she knew that she would do anything for them, anything at all.  She would give up her own goals if it meant that they would be happy and that they would love her in return.  She was very serious about that.  She wanted to be loved back by those she loved more than anything in the entire world.

She was also an avid reader and a collector of histories.  She kept all the conversation she had with people and she would read them months later, laughing at how naive she had been and glad that at least she had grown up some from those days.  She often realized how lucky she was to have people love her after the way she behaved sometimes.  She tried to learn from the mistakes she saw in her old self and hoped beyond hope that she was different than what she had been.

She knew it must be difficult for her family to love her.  She didn't have to hide anything from them and her personality was very outgoing at home.  She wasn't afraid to shoot back quick remarks because she knew that they would forgive her every time; because that's what families do. 

But it was when she was with her friends that she worried.  She worried about every word she said and how it might be taken.  She worried that she was being too outgoing, or too shy, or talking to much, or not enough.  Did she show enough emotion?  Did she listen enough?  She was constantly second-guessing herself and wanted to keep their friendship more than anything.  She never felt like she was worthy of their approval.  They were much better people than she was.  She had gone through time where she was very stubborn and didn't listen when people tried to help her.  She shot off her own quick remarks and sometimes that could have come off disastrous.  She thought she knew the world, but looking back, she realized she barely knew anything at all.

She tried to make up for it, but she wondered if she ever could.  The worst was when someone would say that she hadn't even been a bad person.  Maybe she hadn't been a bad person to them, but to her she had failed herself.  Her only goal in life was to help people.  That was was she thought she was good at.  But if she couldn't do that properly, then what chance did she have at achieving anything or keeping those she loved close to her?

- Lo

you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all the time.

Once upon a time, there was a boy.  This was no ordinary boy.  This boy had the biggest heart you can imagine, and he was the sweetest thing.  If I had to speculate, I would say that this boy cared about everything deeply and at one point had probably been kind of sensitive.  This boy grew up into a young man and through the years many things happened to him.  It began to wear on him and he began to hide that goodness. 

He was still a kind soul with big dreams when I knew him but little did I know all the crap that was going on in his life.  He never let on, he just let me do my thing and rant when I needed to.  There are definitely times when I wasn't a good friend to him and I regret that now.  There were days I should have backed off and I didn't, words I should have kept unsaid and didn't, and times when I should have picked up on foul moods.  But it takes a while to learn what you're best friend is like and I don't think I ever figured it out completely. 

There were days when we fought like crazy, neither one giving an inch to the other.  It went on for hours; accusing each other of things we knew nothing about and not listening to what the other was saying.  Then we'd leave angry at one another or else we'd tire out the argument and realize how stupid the whole thing was.  But no matter what, he was always there for me when I needed him.  I tried to be there for him too, but he never seemed to need me.  It often felt like a one-way friendship, where I couldn't offer anything of use.  I began to resent that and tried my hardest to be needed or wanted.

We had our embarrassing time.  I'm not sure what he thought re-reading those conversations but when I read them months later I wonder how we ever were like that.  How did he put up with my embarrassingly lame stories or responses?  The silly games we used to play?  I always felt so inferior to him and I have proof of how much of a naive kid I was at the time.  But I never want to delete them because I read them for laughs and to have the proof that we were happy and we could talk to one another about anything for hours.

Then we entered the phase of depression.  I never felt so useless in my life.  I knew he was slipping, I knew the good days were behind us, and yet there was nothing I could do.  I was still struggling with my own troubles every day.  We didn't talk as much.  Oh sure we spoke to one another every day, but it was just the same ol' basic conversation of 'hey' 'hi' 'what's up?' 'nothing, you?' 'nothing'.  And that would be the extent of our conversation.  For months it was like this.  On rare occasions he'd snap and let me into his head for a little while but then he'd shut back up for weeks and I wouldn't see his bright personality again.

That phase gradually ended and I felt like we might be able to salvage the happiness we had before.  But I was wrong.  We were both older, both more worn and scarred, and I realized that we could never be the once carefree children we once had been.  Conversation still came with a little difficulty and there were still days when I angered him and I didn't know why.  We weren't as close as we had been and we had different friends and experiences.  But we couldn't share our new experiences because we were different people.  I knew I shouldn't tell some of the things that were going on in my life and he never felt inclined to fill me in with what was going on in his life.  It felt like he was still trying to pull away from our friendship and I didn't know why.

But then there would be days when he'd come home drunk and we'd have a conversation like we used to.  Or he'd ask me what kind of relationship we had and I honestly to this day have never found a word to describe our relationship.  We've loved and hated each other, gotten under one another's skin and still shared some of our biggest fears.  Our friendship or relationship or whatever it is had its ups and downs and yet we still seemed to always pull through.

Today, he is not the little boy I think he once was.  He is not the young man with all the big dreams that I met.  The world has been harsh to him and it has turned him into the seemingly cold person I got to see.  I often feared that I was the cause of the way our relationship changed but no matter what happened I always believed that he was the most amazing person I had ever met. 

- Lo

something keeps me holding on to nothing.

I think that in this life, there is always that one person you will always have some kind of feelings for.  You may not remain close to that person or maybe you end up being best friends or maybe your relationship actually works out and you're together forever.  But no matter what happens in the end, you'll always have feelings for them.  It might be your first love and it might not be.  Lord knows that for me it certainly isn't my first "love".  And maybe they might not always be romantic feelings.  You might just want to be involved in their life somehow, just keeping in touch and through whatever small relationship you might have now you get to remember what it was like when it was more than that.

These feelings don't go away.  It could be years later, like it is now, and you still find yourself wondering what it would be like to fall for them again.  Or what it would be like to tell them that you never got over them.  Maybe you did get over those feelings and you enjoy a very wholesome friendship.  But deep down you keep wondering 'what if?' or 'remember when...'

I'm not perfect.  I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I've had problems learning when to keep my thoughts to myself rather than tell those certain people I tell things to.  But I know this very well and I believe it.  I believe in that one person because I know those feelings keep popping up for me.  I know that because of all the Facebook statuses those teenage girls write that really aren't all that deceptive.  Take note: song lyrics are the most obvious form of expressing your true feelings without actually stating them. I especially believe that you start missing that person when you feel especially vulnerable or lonely or weak.  That's when you want the good parts of your past the most. 

I feel enlightened by this epiphany of mine and I think I've learned to handle these times.  If I could give anyone advice, I'd say to avoid making really hasty decisions while you're emotional because those are the ones you'll regret the most.  Try and make your important decisions with a level head; it'll turn out better for you in the end.  And don't worry so much about that one person.  They'll still be in your life if they're supposed to be there.

- Lo

won't you save me san francisco.

Riding home on the bus and looking out the window at the deadness that all the fallen leaves brought to the countryside actually made me feel pretty empty.  I would say lonely, but I'm fairly sure that I could find someone to talk to if I so desired.  No, the feeling I felt just a few minutes ago was emptiness.  It wasn't that I didn't feel; on the contrary I felt an awful lot.  I just felt like a shell, a being just going about life but not really enjoying it; just seeing the happiness and beauty there is in the world but not taking a part of it.

That's the really twisted result that taking a risk and losing does to me.  I can't even say that I get depressed or sad when it happens now because I don't.  The lack of reaction I have now is startling to people.  I don't even feel anger when I should.  I've been told that all I do is let people walk all over me even when they hurt me so very badly, but to be honest I'd rather have that then be alone.  Everyone is going to walk all over me at some point it feels like, so why lose what you do have in order to fulfill moral obligation?  Sure, maybe I deserve better than that (at least according to some) but that doesn't mean I'm going to get it.  Do you see what I'm saying?

All I know is that I stepped aside and gave everyone what they wanted, and all I want in return is friendship and the knowledge that I'm not alone.  That's not too much to ask for for what I do, I think.

- Lo

i was a flight risk, with a fear of falling.

There are times when you think you can handle anything that comes your way, and then BAM.  Life just hits you like a ton of bricks.  It puts into perspective everything you've (or I've) been doing to keep myself from thinking.  Distractions you might say.  And while that's nice and all...once you come back to reality you realize just how much you've missed and how you just can't keep doing this haha.  I fear my balancing skills require a little bit of work.  Wouldn't it figure that I would waste precious time blogging when I could be working? ;)   Cheers,

- Lo

whenever there's a party i'm the first one with a drink in the air.

Honestly, there are times when I wish it wouldn't be really weird to just start belting out a song in public.  I'll be listening to my iPod on say, the bus, and all of a sudden I'll just have such an urge to start singing along.  I always sing along to songs, but you can't really do it in public without looking kind of strange.  Especially when people don't know what you're listening to.  And I felt like dancing along to the music today haha.  That's pretty weird, considering I can't dance! Ah well.  That's why I can't blast music in my car while I'm driving you know; I start to sing along and jam out and then I'm not paying attention to the road.  It's alright on roads I drive all the time, but in the city...not the best idea haha.  Bye guys!

- Lo

PS: If you're wondering why I deleted all my posts, it's because I didn't like looking like a depressed child all the time.  And we grow every day and situations change and old posts from when I didn't know any better just make me feel silly.  Cheers.

i'm not in it to win it.

"The minute you think you're going to lose something, it suddenly becomes the most important thing in your life."

True story.