i wouldn't want to be anybody else.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

~ Barbara de Angelis

I am a lucky person.  In all honesty, I probably don't even realize how lucky I am.  I have the best friend in the world; I can tell him anything and he somehow understands me in a way that no one else does.  I can tell him everything I can't tell anyone else.  I'm lucky to know really good people and share good times with them.  I've experienced things that no one else has and all-in-all those experiences have made me a better person.  I've recently had a lot of good luck come my way.  I'm lucky to be so happy and to have things work out the way I wanted them to.  I'm lucky to have things to look forward to in the future.  I may have many shortcomings, but for right at this moment, I'm content with where I'm at.

- Lo

if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe.

The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.
~ Benjamin Disraeli

The hardest part of anything for me is the beginning.  Once I get started, ideas, words, and actions come easily.  But it often takes so long just to find the right introduction or beginning.  Take these blog posts, for example.  I'll sit here for a good fifteen minutes, trying to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it.  Then once I force myself to write something, the ideas just flow.  I'll just start writing and not thinking as much about what I'm  saying.  Then, I go back and edit it all later.  Often, I'll change the beginning.  But it's just getting that start that gives me trouble.

This translates into real life as well.  If I want to meet someone new, I'll fret for days over how I should approach it.  But once I get up the courage to start talking to them, I just go with the flow.  Or, if I want to talk about something specific with someone I already know, I have to think about what I'll say first.  It's like I psych myself up and get all nervous over nothing.  Actually, that's exactly what it is.  I'm so afraid of screwing up and getting things wrong that I'd rather not take the risk sometimes.  It's a stupid quality of mine.

It's just a little thing that bothers me, but it makes it really difficult to get anything done if I can't even start it.  I should just stop trying to be right and doing the exact right thing all the time, haha.

- Lo

you think you're so persuasive, but i'm not giving up.

The attempt and not the deed confounds us.

~ William Shakespeare

It's very difficult to write about things that I'm feeling sometimes.  Today is one of those days where I am feeling so much and want so much more out of life that it's impossible to concentrate on only one emotion or thought.  The result, for me, is often an utter lack of focus and a mood of slight desperation.  I have the tendency to over-react to situations on days like these.  The worst part is that I have no idea what I want; only that I want something.  Often, I later realize that I already have that something but I just didn't realize it.

Today, I feel like I'm in the peripheral on life.  Or rather, that I live my life but it hardly intersects with the lives of others.  At least, not to a point of any importance.  In a sense, I feel like if I were to disappear for a few days, life would not be so different without me.  I know this isn't true (or rather I feel like it isn't true) but it is a persistent little nagging thought in the back of my mind today.  It's like that itch you can't scratch.

Additionally, another thought that has been pulling at me is the one concerning one of my most serious wishes.  I wish, more than almost anything, that I lived near some of my best friends.  I have wished this for years now, and each time I  think I have an opportunity to at least visit the place, it somehow falls apart.  I'm very persistent in wishing I were there and I think at times I take it far more seriously than it needs to be.  Perhaps the best course of action for now would be to relax and just take life as it comes.  Certainly I can hear a voice telling me that now.  However, the reason I cannot just let it go and let it come to me stems from my fear of people leaving.  I am honestly afraid that these friends will stop talking to me before I find a way to them.  I've been told that is a silly thought, but I can't help but think that.  People always leave.  That's kind of been the mantra of my life and I really don't think I could handle not ever meeting these people in particular.  I'm afraid that if i don't keep trying, I'll miss an opportunity.  And I really don't think I could deal with that.  I often wonder whether I should apologize for being so intense about finding a way there.  Maybe, they're secretly hoping I never show up.  That would be a big surprise for me, to be sure.

In a different train of thought, I ought to continue working on my writing.  I have a number of essays, a travel review, and a novella to write and I think I may run out of time for the them.  I've been working on an essay today, but it just takes so long to write when you're trying to perfect the ideas that are in your mind.  I find I write things down as I think of them, and then it's a matter of refining them and changing words and phrases so that it sounds more persuasive and informative.  Thankfully, I can do this quite well in a short amount of time, but today it took nearly three hours to write one paragraph.  As for the review, well I am writing of my trip to Peru.  I could write a novel about the trip and I already have two full pages written and I haven't even gotten through the first day yet.  The novella is a large task and while I do have a couple pages written and have a map of how it is going to go, I feel unable to actually sit down and write anything.  I don't have the drive or inspiration lately.  I'm not sure why, since I seem to be perfectly capable of writing.  I just can't make myself write that particular story.  It's a good thing that I love writing, since I'm guessing it'll probably be very near the deadline before I finish these things.

I apologize for the seemingly random thoughts I've written today.  As I mentioned at the very beginning of this post, I have been unable to focus on any one thing today.  My mind wanders and when a new thought intrudes, I just write it down.  I'm sure all will return to normal soon as this mindset is probably a result of being in the house for too long.  Happy Easter,

- Lo

was it something i said, or just my personality.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
~ Harriet Lerner

There are two issues that are making me a little angry today.  I don't like being angry, so I hope that writing them down will get rid of it and I can continue along my merry way.  These don't deserve my rare anger, but I can't help it.  I hope they're worth being angry about.

I can't trust anything.  With every person and every situation I'm always wondering whether it's all a lie or a game just to make a fool of me.  I want to be ignorantly happy and not mistrust.  But it's so difficult when every single time I trust someone, they turn and stab me in the back or else abuse my trust.  I know this is true because a friend once told another friend of mine that she doesn't have to worry about me because I'm not strong enough to challenge her.  What kind of friend is that?  I trusted you.  I thought you were one of my best friends, but if you like being my friend just because you can use me, well, that's not very nice.  What did I do to deserve that?  She's not the only one who does that though.  There are people who use me or else take advantage of me in some way, I know that.  And I just let them, because I don't want anyone to be angry at me.  But I wonder, are people really so ruthless that they would ruin someone just to get what they want?  The obvious answer to that is yes, and it's such a shame.  I don't know what to do to resolve this.

The other issue that bothers me is one that I think is worth being bothered by. Here I am now - finally starting to be able to be close to people, after years of not really being able to.  Then, this boy comes along and for some reason he won't leave me alone.  For some reason, he always feels the need to touch me in some way whenever he's near me.  I mean really, even you must know this is wrong.  I've told him countless times to just leave me alone and not to touch me, but he doesn't get the hint.  The part that I seriously don't like is that it always feels creepy and wrong.  Like, he grabs me innapropriately.  Yesterday, for example, I passed him in the hall and he grabs my very upper thigh.  He does not have the right to do that.  I'm not sure what I have to do to get that through to him.  He's on my bus as well and whenever I used to let him sit with me (due to the lack of seats) he would practically drape himself all over me and grab my legs whenever he wanted.  He's also grabbed me around the waist from behind when I didn't know he was there.  Maybe you don't think it's bad, but I can't stand it anymore.  Especially after I've already told him not to touch me.  Everyone thinks he's really creepy with me and I agree wholeheartedly.  I'm so frustrated and I actually hate having to be around him now.  Honestly, what did I do to deserve that?

- Lo

what we know is almost nothing at all, but we are what we are until the day we die.

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."
~ Anonymous tumblr blog

It's kind of funny that I'm using the above statement for inspiration for this post because I bet you'll automatically assume that I'm upset or feeling something like that.  But no worries; I'm not.  It's just inspiration.  Like a quick-write exercise, my thoughts wander to completely different ideas than what the prompt would suggest.  Continuing on to what I wanted to say...

I found this on some other website, and I must say that I immediately connected with the statement.  I know exactly what the author is feeling and she has adequately described how I used to feel all the time.  I'm proud to say that I got over this way of living, but I'll admit that sometimes it's still hard to not worry about everything.  On rare days now, it's hard to not wonder why I still feel lonely sometimes, and why sometimes it feels like no one likes me.  Though I know that a lot of my negative thoughts aren't true, it's still hard to push them away entirely.  It's a process I'm working through, but I know it can be done.  I'll master it.  That perfectionist in me will find a way.

I have ridiculous thoughts and ways in which I would like the world to work, but it doesn't work like that.  You can't force things to go your way: the world would collapse if everyone tried doing that. Don't try and change everything else; change yourself. 

That is a very valuable lesson that I am trying to teach myself.  Rather than wanting you (and I'm thinking of a particular person here) to be what I think would be most beneficial for you, I need to learn to accept that people screw up and that I'm not right all the time.  I mean, yes, I know when I'm wrong sometimes, but I really have to learn to not try and change you.  I have to stop it now, I know.  But if I'm being honest, the only reason I try to reason with you in the first place is because I'm afraid of losing you.  It's irrational and entirely baseless, but I'm so used to everyone leaving that I've come to live by doing absolutely anything so people won't leave. 

All my ways of thinking are so convoluted, I know that.  But I want everyone to know that I only have the purest intentions and I only want to help  No matter how useless my way of helping might be.  And, I want you to know that I care more than anyone can comprehend.  Even I don't understand why I care so much about certain things.  I just can't help it.

- Lo