There is no remedy for love but to love more.
~ Henry David Thoreau
Need I say any more? This week has been horrible on my emotions, but at the end of the day I still fall asleep thinking of him. That could be because I fall asleep while texting him, but I think the feeling goes deeper than that. I know that I love him. I think that this love has seeped outward from my heart and has just taken over my entire mind, body, and soul. If I could describe it, I would say that it consumes me. He is everything to me, now and forever. I know this for sure. I will always love him, even if one day he doesn't love me back.
Let me tell you a little story. I once met a boy in a strange place. Immediately, I knew he was different. He was unlike any other boy I had met in this place. He was funny, and he was nice to me right away. He went along with all my crazy stories and he didn't mind my over-usage of emoticons. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't interested in him. But I avoided these feelings, for a little while at least. However, I soon gave into those feelings and I thought he had some as well. But far too soon, I was proven wrong. Let's just say he changed his mind about these feelings. And so ensued another two years of friendship, filled with enough difficulties to last a lifetime. We made it through though. And now here we are.
Only three short years later, I'm back at the same place I was right after we met. A few years older and wiser and hopefully less naive, but the feelings are the same. Actually, they are quite a bit more intense than last time. But once again, I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry sometimes about a repeat. I know it's not fair, that he's far more committed than last time and we've talked about it. But it's still so hard, especially when I think I'm not good enough. He's a beautiful person and I'm lucky to have gotten to know him.
What amazes me in particular is that he seems just as committed and serious and happy as I am. In fact, it feels like loving a reflection of myself, in terms of emotions concerning this relationship. That's something I feel so lucky for - that I love someone who seems to love me just as much in return. As long as I can continue to surprise him and make him happy and be everything positive in his life, then I think I could be content for the rest of mine. I love him that much.
It scares me that I love someone so seriously at this young age. And yet, I wouldn't change a thing. Young true loves are rare, but I think we could have one. That sounds really serious and like a lot of commitment, but to be honest, I don't want anyone else. I only want him and I know he's the only one I'll ever want. I have some weird kind of confidence in this.
So if you're reading, know I love him. Know that I would do anything for him and that I'll always love him. Know that if I could, I would never leave his side. Know that he makes me happier than I've ever been and could ever do. Know that he is everything to me.
- Lo
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
can you lie next to her, and give her your heart?
"All I need right now is for you to wrap me up in your arms, look me in the eyes, and tell me you won't ever give up."
~ Anonymous
I'm such a hopeless romantic. But you would never know it. It's a part of me that I hide and keep locked up, so that no one can exploit it and more importantly, so that I don't act in an embarrassing and cheesy manner. Of course on the blog, that's something that can be difficult to hide. The way I see it right now, I might as well write about what I'm feeling so that I'll have some kind of record of it to look back on some day. But back to the hopeless romantic...
I love when someone talks to me just because they had the urge to. Not for any specific reason, just because they thought of me. I love cheesy romantic comedy movies sometimes. Even though the happy ending stories are unrealistic, there's just something about them that I really like. I'm a sucker for a good story. I think I love cuddling with the right person; I've never actually done it in a place where I feel comfortable, but it's something I can imagine in my head. I love the good little surprises and the little things. I love so many things, many cheesy and some that are just personal preference. I don't know where it all came from, but it's a part of my inner personality.
That's why I talk about my feelings and go on and on about how amazed I am lately. My life feels like a fairy tale; a movie I would watch or a book I would read. I feel such good things and it seems like I'm receiving the same feelings in return. I tell you how I feel and you assure me you feel the same. It's hard to believe that you might be serious. It's like you're just saying exactly what I've wished I could hear you say for a year, and yet there's no way you could have known. You couldn't have known most of the blog posts were inspired by you, that my thoughts often travel to you, and that whenever I imagined my future you were somehow a part of it. You couldn't have had any idea because not only did I not mention these things, I denied them myself. Whenever I found myself imagining these things I would shove it out of my mind, believing that it would never happen and I was being a dreamer. But now they are happening and it feels so surreal. It's a blessing that I am so lucky to have you.
If you want to know the truth, I think I always loved you. Even when I denied it and I did all that I could to not feel anything other than friendship for you, I don't think I succeeded. I tried to make sure that I was always available in case your feelings changed, but I would convince myself it's just because I wanted to be your friend. That's it, just a friend. But I couldn't convince myself of that. Some might say that's a way to waste precious time, but I would disagree. What's the point in going after something else if you know what you love?
And now, I wait. Actively waiting, mind you; always trying to find a way to see if this is really real. If the feelings and energy are still there when the distance fades or if I've been deluding myself all this time. I don't want to disappoint or be lower than expectations and I'm afraid that I won't be as special or good when I'm around. But I don't focus on that. I try and focus on that fairy tale ending and believe that I will be good enough. I'll always love you, I know that much for sure. I just hope you'll feel the same. But no pressure, ever. That's just my own selfish little wish.
- Lo
I love when someone talks to me just because they had the urge to. Not for any specific reason, just because they thought of me. I love cheesy romantic comedy movies sometimes. Even though the happy ending stories are unrealistic, there's just something about them that I really like. I'm a sucker for a good story. I think I love cuddling with the right person; I've never actually done it in a place where I feel comfortable, but it's something I can imagine in my head. I love the good little surprises and the little things. I love so many things, many cheesy and some that are just personal preference. I don't know where it all came from, but it's a part of my inner personality.
That's why I talk about my feelings and go on and on about how amazed I am lately. My life feels like a fairy tale; a movie I would watch or a book I would read. I feel such good things and it seems like I'm receiving the same feelings in return. I tell you how I feel and you assure me you feel the same. It's hard to believe that you might be serious. It's like you're just saying exactly what I've wished I could hear you say for a year, and yet there's no way you could have known. You couldn't have known most of the blog posts were inspired by you, that my thoughts often travel to you, and that whenever I imagined my future you were somehow a part of it. You couldn't have had any idea because not only did I not mention these things, I denied them myself. Whenever I found myself imagining these things I would shove it out of my mind, believing that it would never happen and I was being a dreamer. But now they are happening and it feels so surreal. It's a blessing that I am so lucky to have you.
If you want to know the truth, I think I always loved you. Even when I denied it and I did all that I could to not feel anything other than friendship for you, I don't think I succeeded. I tried to make sure that I was always available in case your feelings changed, but I would convince myself it's just because I wanted to be your friend. That's it, just a friend. But I couldn't convince myself of that. Some might say that's a way to waste precious time, but I would disagree. What's the point in going after something else if you know what you love?
And now, I wait. Actively waiting, mind you; always trying to find a way to see if this is really real. If the feelings and energy are still there when the distance fades or if I've been deluding myself all this time. I don't want to disappoint or be lower than expectations and I'm afraid that I won't be as special or good when I'm around. But I don't focus on that. I try and focus on that fairy tale ending and believe that I will be good enough. I'll always love you, I know that much for sure. I just hope you'll feel the same. But no pressure, ever. That's just my own selfish little wish.
- Lo
Thursday, July 7, 2011
you'll say baby how's your day, i'll say crazy but it's all gonna be alright.
“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you.
You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”
~ Gone With the Wind (1939)
That's taken from the movie. I found it on a website when I was looking up quotes and I kind of liked it, both because it reminded me of myself and of so many other things. I also found it a little bit humorous. In a way, it's what inspired me to write this post.
Whenever I decide to take a risk, I always make sure to have a backup plan. A just-in-case-it-doesn't-work plan, if you will. I make sure to have my escape plan and a way to save myself. A way to back out. I always have a plan so I don't end up screwed over or left without a way to return to normal. I guess I've never given a hundred percent of myself to anything.
Until now. I've finally found something that I've given all of myself too. There isn't a backup plan this time. If something goes wrong, I won't be able to ignore it or pretend it never happened or deny that I made a mistake. I'll have to own up to my mistakes and live with the consequences. And while for any other situation that may have been a scary thought, now it's something that I actually embrace. I'm so happy and I know that giving all of myself is the only way to experience the absolute best. I want everything that I can get from this situation and I know that if I hold back I might miss out on a piece of wonderful.
I am so deliriously happy all the time. I'm currently loving and trusting and hoping beyond hope. I am filled with positive and happy feelings. I won't lie, I also have many times where I wonder how I got so lucky and how undeserving I am to have him. Him who is so much more than I am. I'm also paranoid of it ending because I know these feelings that I have are ones that I'll never lose and I'm such a dreamer that I'd like to think that it will never end. I'd like to think that I can't lose and that I'll hurdle the obstacles and everything will work out. I won't lie, I can't see it any other way. There is no other path. There's just this. I've avoided thinking about it for years, keeping on my escape plan and avoiding getting hurt and getting into situations where I might get hurt. In fact, I contemplated even writing this stuff down because I'm not sure how people will react. But honestly, I'm at the point where I don't care. I'm that far gone into this that I don't care what people think. As long as it doesn't ruin anything, I'll be alright.
This is all there is. My life revolves around thinking about it (considering I spend 7 hours a day sitting by myself in a 10x10 box that's a lot of thinking time). I want it more than anything. I am so filled with good that it's hard for me to comprehend most days. What's even harder to understand is that right now it seems to be working out really good for me. The scariest thing is giving 100% trust, but I'm doing it. I'm trying really hard.
- Lo
You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”
~ Gone With the Wind (1939)
That's taken from the movie. I found it on a website when I was looking up quotes and I kind of liked it, both because it reminded me of myself and of so many other things. I also found it a little bit humorous. In a way, it's what inspired me to write this post.
Whenever I decide to take a risk, I always make sure to have a backup plan. A just-in-case-it-doesn't-work plan, if you will. I make sure to have my escape plan and a way to save myself. A way to back out. I always have a plan so I don't end up screwed over or left without a way to return to normal. I guess I've never given a hundred percent of myself to anything.
Until now. I've finally found something that I've given all of myself too. There isn't a backup plan this time. If something goes wrong, I won't be able to ignore it or pretend it never happened or deny that I made a mistake. I'll have to own up to my mistakes and live with the consequences. And while for any other situation that may have been a scary thought, now it's something that I actually embrace. I'm so happy and I know that giving all of myself is the only way to experience the absolute best. I want everything that I can get from this situation and I know that if I hold back I might miss out on a piece of wonderful.
I am so deliriously happy all the time. I'm currently loving and trusting and hoping beyond hope. I am filled with positive and happy feelings. I won't lie, I also have many times where I wonder how I got so lucky and how undeserving I am to have him. Him who is so much more than I am. I'm also paranoid of it ending because I know these feelings that I have are ones that I'll never lose and I'm such a dreamer that I'd like to think that it will never end. I'd like to think that I can't lose and that I'll hurdle the obstacles and everything will work out. I won't lie, I can't see it any other way. There is no other path. There's just this. I've avoided thinking about it for years, keeping on my escape plan and avoiding getting hurt and getting into situations where I might get hurt. In fact, I contemplated even writing this stuff down because I'm not sure how people will react. But honestly, I'm at the point where I don't care. I'm that far gone into this that I don't care what people think. As long as it doesn't ruin anything, I'll be alright.
This is all there is. My life revolves around thinking about it (considering I spend 7 hours a day sitting by myself in a 10x10 box that's a lot of thinking time). I want it more than anything. I am so filled with good that it's hard for me to comprehend most days. What's even harder to understand is that right now it seems to be working out really good for me. The scariest thing is giving 100% trust, but I'm doing it. I'm trying really hard.
- Lo
Friday, July 1, 2011
lost in a day, in a way it's the same as the one before.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ Robert Heinlein
Today's post is going to be a little different. I've been trying for quite some time to find something worth blogging about, and I think I've found it. During my recent internet surfs, I found myself looking for quotes. Or rather, pictures of quotes. There are many out there, and so many that I haven't found yet. But what I decided to do was every time I read one that reminded me of something, I saved it. Now, rather than have it clutter up my computer space, I think today I'll post them here and explain what they mean to me.
I finally understood what I was looking for after reading this. I had been searching for something to help explain what I was feeling and what I should do and I had no idea how to voice this desperation to figure it out. Then I read this and I realized that's exactly what I wish I had. A search engine to tell us how people feel, so I don't have to take unnecessary risks or I can see who I'm annoying. I could search what I should do in order to avoid annoying people or making them mad or dislike me. There are so many ways that I would use a Google search for feelings that it's incredible. I guess I just wish I had a cheat sheet to life.
The interesting thing about this one is that I hadn't even been looking for quotes like this while I was searching. I was just looking and I found this and a light went of in my head. A slightly perfect description for what I felt like once upon a time.
Yep, pretty self-explanatory.
So, I found this and I'm not even sure if this is a real expression, but that's what I feel all the time. After every conversation, I replay it in my head because I always feel like I screwed it up or I forgot to say something. I hardly ever feel like a conversation was completed. It happens all the time, no matter what I do or try. L'esprit de l'escalier; I don't even know why it's called that because that means "spirit of the escalator". Not that that really matters though.
Interesting. Is this proven? I believe it regardless.
Oh, Optimus Prime, how you inspire us humans. This is so true. We hesitate, we don't say a word, until it's far too late and we're left with heaps of regrets. Personally, I have taken to not leaving things unsaid, but it's difficult. It requires taking risks and risks are something we avoid. I don't know why, but that's just what we do.
This one relates to the above. It's all about the risk-taking.
You, yes you. I want a hug that will last for a long time, that makes me "forget what the ground feels like". A really, really long hug haha. That's not all I want, but that's what I would settle for in the first moments I see you.
These both are clearly related to the same idea. I had one person in mind when I found these. There are so many facets to how I feel about this one person and this is just one. Just one of many. There's something about being able to do this that seriously appeals to me. Even more than the appeal of having many facets to my relationship with this one person. Actually, these reminded me of our conversations. The first one reminded me of one in particular, and the second reminds me of how I feel. You are amazing and I am less than. You have experience and I'm innocent in the fullest part of the word. I lacked courage for so long and now I trust you and it terrifies me still. Because I'm so much less and I don't want you to realize it. There are other reasons why I thought of you when I read these but I won't post them here.
This one makes me think. And terrifies me in a way. I have nothing else to say about this one right now.
- Lo
~ Robert Heinlein
Today's post is going to be a little different. I've been trying for quite some time to find something worth blogging about, and I think I've found it. During my recent internet surfs, I found myself looking for quotes. Or rather, pictures of quotes. There are many out there, and so many that I haven't found yet. But what I decided to do was every time I read one that reminded me of something, I saved it. Now, rather than have it clutter up my computer space, I think today I'll post them here and explain what they mean to me.
I finally understood what I was looking for after reading this. I had been searching for something to help explain what I was feeling and what I should do and I had no idea how to voice this desperation to figure it out. Then I read this and I realized that's exactly what I wish I had. A search engine to tell us how people feel, so I don't have to take unnecessary risks or I can see who I'm annoying. I could search what I should do in order to avoid annoying people or making them mad or dislike me. There are so many ways that I would use a Google search for feelings that it's incredible. I guess I just wish I had a cheat sheet to life.
The interesting thing about this one is that I hadn't even been looking for quotes like this while I was searching. I was just looking and I found this and a light went of in my head. A slightly perfect description for what I felt like once upon a time.
Yep, pretty self-explanatory.
So, I found this and I'm not even sure if this is a real expression, but that's what I feel all the time. After every conversation, I replay it in my head because I always feel like I screwed it up or I forgot to say something. I hardly ever feel like a conversation was completed. It happens all the time, no matter what I do or try. L'esprit de l'escalier; I don't even know why it's called that because that means "spirit of the escalator". Not that that really matters though.
Interesting. Is this proven? I believe it regardless.
Oh, Optimus Prime, how you inspire us humans. This is so true. We hesitate, we don't say a word, until it's far too late and we're left with heaps of regrets. Personally, I have taken to not leaving things unsaid, but it's difficult. It requires taking risks and risks are something we avoid. I don't know why, but that's just what we do.
This one relates to the above. It's all about the risk-taking.
You, yes you. I want a hug that will last for a long time, that makes me "forget what the ground feels like". A really, really long hug haha. That's not all I want, but that's what I would settle for in the first moments I see you.
This one makes me think. And terrifies me in a way. I have nothing else to say about this one right now.
- Lo
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