If you could see how I love you.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl. He loved her with all his heart and told her so everyday. Everything was perfect. Then the girl started thinking. And over thinking. And she was afraid to give her whole heart because she had been hurt before and she didn't want to be hurt anymore. So one day, when the boy told her that he would give her a promise ring as soon as they were together, she freaked out. It scared her, and she wasn't ready.  She loved him with all her heart, but she wasn't ready for that step because she knew that if he made that promise and for some reason it didn't work out, she would be absolutely devastated.

Fast forward about a year...boy still loves girl. Girl, loves boy with all heart. She can't imagine loving anyone else, and she doesn't want to. She wants to love the boy for the rest of her life. If he made that same promise ring offer today, she would accept gladly and never look back. She would be happy for the rest of her life.  But she can't tell him that. She's working to earn his trust back, to make him believe that she's true and loyal. But she has hope. Maybe one day this happiness she now seeks will be hers.  Yes, it's scary, but she knows now that a risk like this will bring joy and happiness.  No matter what anyone says or does, she wants to fight for him for all her days.

If he could see the depth of her love, he would see her heart and her fight. He would see how much he means to her and that she would do anything for him.  He would see that the only person she'll ever want to love, is him.

Why do I watch my guilty pleasure shows?  Shows meant for teenage girls, filled with fantasy and romance and many other unrealistic things?  Why do I become addicted to them and find them so good?  It's because it's the one thing that gives me hope sometimes.  I know it's not realistic. I know it's vapid, pointless, and makes me out to be an airhead.

But there's one common thing with all of them, and it is what gives me hope and lets me feel good some days.  There is always that one couple, who aren't always together, but they care for one another no matter what.  He'd do anything for her, care for her no matter how much she screws up.  Even if he's angry at her for a really long time, in the end he still loves her and forgives her and they can be happy.  It's this one element that I love and that I look for.

It's when I feel the most alone that I find a new "guilty pleasure" show.  Just to have hope that it's possible for someone to love me that much.  That no matter how bad I screw up (because believe me, I screw up a lot), I'll still find love.  It gives me hope that I won't lose everything when I make mistakes.  Often, I need that hope.  Because I'm all alone most of the time.  Alone with my thoughts, and it can be a dangerous and lonely place.

So don't judge me, just for looking for proof that I deserve to feel okay.

I feel trapped in my own world.

No Title Necessary

I need a place to rant.  Not even to rant, just to speak.  I feel so often like I cannot and should not talk to people about how I feel, because it really is too much of a burden.  No one should have to deal with the kinds of thoughts that I have.  And yet, I can't just keep it to myself.  I go insane and implode.  No, I need to get it out somehow, and I've been thinking for a long time that I should blog about it.  That way I can just speak and rant and no one has to hear it if they don't want to.  I feel like it's an alright trade-off.  I do wonder though...what do normal people do? Do other people actually talk to people about the scary thoughts in the deep dark corners of their brain? Or are they just much better at handling them alone than I am? Or maybe, do they not even have the kinds of thoughts that I have?  These are the things I wonder about.

I can't shake this one thought.  It comes up whenever I find myself alone for too long, or after I've watched a really good movie, or finished a good book.  Primarily, it comes up when I spend too much time thinking about the people around me and how everyone just seems to be so happy and surrounded by such good people.  Don't get me wrong, I do have the best friends anyone could ask for, I have the best boyfriend that anyone in the world can ever have (he's mine.), and I have a loving family that I am so grateful for.  I'm not hard done by, by any stretch of the imagination.  But I find myself alone often.  My friends (all of them) are in such loving relationships and I'm so happy for them.  The person I love currently lives across the country and while I spend as much time talking with him as I can, I do have those moments of loneliness.  And my family seems to have moved on without me, and when I come home they can hardly put in the effort to just hang out with me.  Everyone just seems too busy for me.  I sound like a little spoiled child, I know it.  And I'm not meaning to.  I don't know what's wrong with me and I hate myself for it.  I am like a child haha; I just don't want to be alone.

That's my biggest fear.  That somehow, I'll find myself all alone to grow old and I won't get to experience the happiness that everyone else seems to have.  And that scares me.  I want to be happy, I want to give the love I have inside, and I want to give everything I have.  I feel so unfulfilled.  Sometimes, I feel a miserable old lady when I see happy couples because I don't currently get to experience that exactly.

To the person I love: if you're reading this, and if I know you, I bet you'll take this to heart.  I bet you'll think I'm unhappy with you or something of the like, but you couldn't be further from the truth.  I want you to know that these are just the rantings of a girl whose mind goes a little crazy when you're gone.  That sounds bad I bet, that I'm too attached and can't spend a second alone.  But that's not it.  I love you with all my heart, and to be honest, sometimes I worry when you're out at night and I don't know who might try and steal you away.  Even though my head knows that you love me and you don't see them like that, my heart still gets scared.  And it scares me to imagine what my life might look like if you were ever gone.  That makes me go crazy more than anything.  Don't get mad, I know you love me and that there is nothing to worry about. Forever and ever, amen.

- Lo.