We must not say every mistake is a foolish one.
~ Cicero
If you ever hear anyone call me perfect, I beg you to correct them. If you ever hear people say that I have it all, I hope you'll know that it's a lie. If you hear them say that I make things difficult, that I'm unpredictable and that I can shock you in the most extreme ways, then you'll know that people are talking about the right girl.
When things get a little bit too big and scary for me, that is, when I do and say things and worry a lot and life gets out of control, I do bad things. Rather, I act in bad ways and say bad things. I tend to make a lot of mistakes. And some might disagree and say that I don't make mistakes, but that isn't true. To repeat, I make a lot of mistakes. When I'm stressed or worried, I tend to make more and I tend to push away people that might want to help me because I don't want to burden them or I don't want them to know that I can't handle everything that's going on. And if I get irritated over something when I'm like that, well my mistakes increase ten-fold. I regret everything I say and do in those moments but I know that doesn't count for an apology. Unfortunately, it's all I have.
And to one in particular, I want you to know something. I told her because I wanted to show you (rather than just tell you; actions over words) that I'm serious. I'm not going anywhere. I wanted her to know you and I thought you could help me help her get to you the way you want her to know you; not through my feeble attempts at describing you. So I thought you could help. I'm sorry I was wrong and I wasted your time.
I should go now, before I say anything else and get myself in even more trouble. There's something else I wanted to say though. I thought it was important to say that to me, there is nothing worse than when someone walks away angry with me. I think the feeling I get in those moments is the worst thing I will ever feel in my entire life. That feeling of knowing I screwed up and that I lost my chance to fix it, that feeling of hating myself because I made someone angry, all of it, is so hard to handle. It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that someone is angry with me. And I hope I never have to feel like that with you again.
- Lo
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
doesn't he know i've had him memorized for so long.
"If you're gonna screw up, do it while you're young. Older you get, the harder it is to bounce back."
~ Winston Groom
One thing I've noticed living on my own; on nights where you are completely by yourself and have no one to talk to, that's when all the things you try to avoid thinking about come back to haunt you. This seems to be one of those nights. I've been trying to solve my inner demons and just live life the way I want to, but that is definitely easier said than done.
I'm an unusual kind of person. For the majority of my life, I've strived to be different and yet still fit in. And I've kind of managed. For the most part, I am your average college kid. But I have secrets that make me so much more different than the average person. The biggest is that I'm involved with someone about 3000km away. Sounds like a big number, but that's only about 30 hours.. a day and a half driving approximately. I've known him for years and he's my best friend above all else. I would do anything for that guy, as he's done so much for me in the past and even now in the present. He's the biggest part of my life.
Which leads to secret number 2, which I can't seem to get out of my head. I'm going to visit him. On spring break, I'm packing up for a week and flying out there. A visit would settle so many things. I've been saving my money this year and I can afford it and I have the time. These are two things I probably won't have in the next couple years. I have a practical, realistic plan and all I need to do is put it in motion. Of course, there's always a problem. And for me, the problem is my parents. They don't know about him, and that's for no other reason than because while I was in high school they were very strict over those kinds of things. I've started to tell them about him though and so far it hasn't caused any trouble. But the second problem with them is that in my experience, they find any plan of mine far-fetched and they will not stand for it. The thing is, I'm legally an adult now, I'm paying for it myself, and I'm only going for a week. It's a much smaller plan than what I've proposed in the past. I know I don't actually need their permission, but it would make my future relationship with them much better if they could just accept that I'm going to live my life the way I want to. They've instilled in me the proper morals, now I would like them to loosen up for once and let me try things. Let me make mistakes now, if you think it is one. It's a good starter trip, considering I plan on travelling the world. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell them about this but in the interest of continuing to sound responsible, I'll stick to the plan.
That's the only thing I want from them. I'm learning to handle things on my own, now I just want them to let me try a big decision. For me. Because life is too short to sit around and just play by everyone else's rules. I don't want to regret not going in the future. Which is a guarantee if I don't go. It's hard sometimes, to do things because you want to and also to please other people. I think that this time, one of these is going to have to go. And I know which it is.
- Lo
~ Winston Groom
One thing I've noticed living on my own; on nights where you are completely by yourself and have no one to talk to, that's when all the things you try to avoid thinking about come back to haunt you. This seems to be one of those nights. I've been trying to solve my inner demons and just live life the way I want to, but that is definitely easier said than done.
I'm an unusual kind of person. For the majority of my life, I've strived to be different and yet still fit in. And I've kind of managed. For the most part, I am your average college kid. But I have secrets that make me so much more different than the average person. The biggest is that I'm involved with someone about 3000km away. Sounds like a big number, but that's only about 30 hours.. a day and a half driving approximately. I've known him for years and he's my best friend above all else. I would do anything for that guy, as he's done so much for me in the past and even now in the present. He's the biggest part of my life.
Which leads to secret number 2, which I can't seem to get out of my head. I'm going to visit him. On spring break, I'm packing up for a week and flying out there. A visit would settle so many things. I've been saving my money this year and I can afford it and I have the time. These are two things I probably won't have in the next couple years. I have a practical, realistic plan and all I need to do is put it in motion. Of course, there's always a problem. And for me, the problem is my parents. They don't know about him, and that's for no other reason than because while I was in high school they were very strict over those kinds of things. I've started to tell them about him though and so far it hasn't caused any trouble. But the second problem with them is that in my experience, they find any plan of mine far-fetched and they will not stand for it. The thing is, I'm legally an adult now, I'm paying for it myself, and I'm only going for a week. It's a much smaller plan than what I've proposed in the past. I know I don't actually need their permission, but it would make my future relationship with them much better if they could just accept that I'm going to live my life the way I want to. They've instilled in me the proper morals, now I would like them to loosen up for once and let me try things. Let me make mistakes now, if you think it is one. It's a good starter trip, considering I plan on travelling the world. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell them about this but in the interest of continuing to sound responsible, I'll stick to the plan.
That's the only thing I want from them. I'm learning to handle things on my own, now I just want them to let me try a big decision. For me. Because life is too short to sit around and just play by everyone else's rules. I don't want to regret not going in the future. Which is a guarantee if I don't go. It's hard sometimes, to do things because you want to and also to please other people. I think that this time, one of these is going to have to go. And I know which it is.
- Lo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)