Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a rather serious topic to discuss. She wished she could speak her mind in person however due to the nature of the topic she knew she could not. This post will contain the thoughts she was thinking of in the past few days. If there is a lesson to be learned from this it is this: do tread carefully, and think your words very carefully when dealing with a topic of a sensitive nature. It has taken me three days to be able to voice what has been bouncing around in my head.
Our dear girl wanted someone to know that they were extremely bright and special. And she wanted that person to know that they are so much brighter when they're sober and not under the influence of any substances. While sober, he talked more and it was far more obvious of what kind of mood he was in. He was more..."normal" is the word she supposed she would use to describe him. He was funny and kind and honestly was one of the smartest people she had ever met. However, once he was under the influence it was like a lightbulb went out. His whole personality disappeared. Maybe she was wrong, but it seemed like there was nothing left. It was like he was a shell, going about life but not really living it. And it was a shame to her because she could see the difference in him. It was heartbreaking.
She understood the need for the substance. She knew the comfort that a substance could give. However, that comfort wouldn't last forever. She knew that in the end smoking that stuff all the time wasn't really helping him at all. In fact, it was just dragging him further down then where he needed to be. The numbness might be the solution for now, but later on it wouldn't help him at all. It could result in his becoming yet another stereotype, and she didn't want to see that happen. The fact that he was so bright was not lost on her though he may say otherwise. There was an awful lot of good he could do but she didn't think that he saw it. And if he did, then she wondered why he gave it away.
She understood his stubbornness, very, very well and knew that it was a challenge to make him or anyone else see otherwise. However, she knew that she was right. Facts do not lie. She believed that he was convinced that she knew nothing about what he partook in but she wanted him to know that he was wrong. She knew far more then she cared to admit, both through statistics and knowing personal stories. While he would never believe her, nor listen to her, she wished he would, just once. No matter what she said or did, she still knew when she was right or wrong. Sometimes she was just too stubborn to admit it but in this particular case she knew without a doubt that she was right. Deep down she knew that he knew it too. She wished she could convince him that it wasn't worth it. She supported him in all that he did and would never say anything against it because she did understand. But she worried about him sometimes, now more than before, because she hated seeing that lightbulb go out.
She wanted to say that she was sorry for medling because she thought he wouldn't like it but she wanted him to know that she did so only because she cared very much for him and really only wanted the absolute best for him. Whether he could see it or not.
- Lo
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
is there anybody out there or am i swimming this empty sea alone.
Life isn't something you can plan out. No matter what goals you set for yourself, during the course of your days they'll be changed, questioned, mocked, you name it. You may think you have a plan, a goal, a dream, however I advise against being so convinced that things will go exactly according to plan that you miss moments of your life that you can never get back.
It starts when we are young. We have such high hopes and expectations. As little kids we would always be asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And we had such great ideas: we were going to be doctors, firemen, professional sports stars. The world had no limits and nothing could stop us. There were no obstacles. We were young enough that we didn't know the hard work involved in achieving these goals. We were just spewing information our parents fed to us.
Then we got further on in school and things got harder. We no longer had playtime and naptime. We had homework and responsibilities. And our dreams changed or were altered. Maybe you realized you really didn't want to be a fireman anymore. Maybe you learned you fainted at the sight of blood so you really couldn't be that great doctor. But you always had new dreams, ones that seemed more attainable. This isn't to say that the world got smaller, but rather that you had realized some short-term dreams. You wanted to make the soccer team. You wanted to get an A in math. You wanted to help someone in need. You really wanted to save your allowance for that new GameBoy game that just came out. All of these goals were attainable and you worked hard to get what you set out to achieve.
However, you also had those dreams in the back of your mind that were more risky and were things you didn't want everyone else to find out. You wanted to ask that girl to the dance but you were too shy. You had liked that boy in your English class for years but never had the courage to talk to him. We had big ideas for our futures. We would meet that special person, stay with them forever, and live happily ever after. Disney movies were what we based our lives on. They always had a happy ending.
Of course, by the time you get to high school you already know that there isn't always a happy ending. Maybe you've experienced enough tragedy and heartbreak to know that you won't be with the person you thought you loved forever. You also came to realize that you really didn't have the talent to be a pro sports athlete. But maybe you had been successful. Maybe you were a star on the AAA hockey team. Maybe you had a 90% average. Maybe all of your dreams were on the brink of becoming a reality. By now we all had some kind of idea of what we want in life, whether it was with a career goal or a personal dream. We just wanted to experience love. We just wanted to travel the world. We just wanted to meet that friend that we would be able to count on all of the time.
Then we reached the here and now. Gone are the days of invincibility and endless possibilities. Life has suddenly become so real. We have to apply to schools, find a job, or else do something different, but we have to make a decision. You're running out of time to stall making decisions. You've realized that throughout the years you changed your path so many times that you are nowhere near the person you thought you would be. Deep down you still have so many things you want to do, but those dreams have taken a backseat to real life. You're trying to be happy but sometimes it seems like you're so far behind that you'll never reach what you want. You'll be lucky if you even make it through these years unscathed.
The above paragraphs are what I have come to realize. When I was younger I never thought that I would be here now. I never thought that I would be clueless as to what I was going to do for a career. I never thought that I would be afraid of what people thought of me. I never thought that I would be doing everything in my power to come up with a plan to find a way to the Newfs without dropping everything and just doing it. In fact, I thought by now I would've found a way there already. Today, I am nowhere near who I thought I was going to be. But really, that's okay because I know that someday I'm going to figure out exactly what I'm going to do and who I'm going to be. It all just takes a little more time.
- Lo
It starts when we are young. We have such high hopes and expectations. As little kids we would always be asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And we had such great ideas: we were going to be doctors, firemen, professional sports stars. The world had no limits and nothing could stop us. There were no obstacles. We were young enough that we didn't know the hard work involved in achieving these goals. We were just spewing information our parents fed to us.
Then we got further on in school and things got harder. We no longer had playtime and naptime. We had homework and responsibilities. And our dreams changed or were altered. Maybe you realized you really didn't want to be a fireman anymore. Maybe you learned you fainted at the sight of blood so you really couldn't be that great doctor. But you always had new dreams, ones that seemed more attainable. This isn't to say that the world got smaller, but rather that you had realized some short-term dreams. You wanted to make the soccer team. You wanted to get an A in math. You wanted to help someone in need. You really wanted to save your allowance for that new GameBoy game that just came out. All of these goals were attainable and you worked hard to get what you set out to achieve.
However, you also had those dreams in the back of your mind that were more risky and were things you didn't want everyone else to find out. You wanted to ask that girl to the dance but you were too shy. You had liked that boy in your English class for years but never had the courage to talk to him. We had big ideas for our futures. We would meet that special person, stay with them forever, and live happily ever after. Disney movies were what we based our lives on. They always had a happy ending.
Of course, by the time you get to high school you already know that there isn't always a happy ending. Maybe you've experienced enough tragedy and heartbreak to know that you won't be with the person you thought you loved forever. You also came to realize that you really didn't have the talent to be a pro sports athlete. But maybe you had been successful. Maybe you were a star on the AAA hockey team. Maybe you had a 90% average. Maybe all of your dreams were on the brink of becoming a reality. By now we all had some kind of idea of what we want in life, whether it was with a career goal or a personal dream. We just wanted to experience love. We just wanted to travel the world. We just wanted to meet that friend that we would be able to count on all of the time.
Then we reached the here and now. Gone are the days of invincibility and endless possibilities. Life has suddenly become so real. We have to apply to schools, find a job, or else do something different, but we have to make a decision. You're running out of time to stall making decisions. You've realized that throughout the years you changed your path so many times that you are nowhere near the person you thought you would be. Deep down you still have so many things you want to do, but those dreams have taken a backseat to real life. You're trying to be happy but sometimes it seems like you're so far behind that you'll never reach what you want. You'll be lucky if you even make it through these years unscathed.
The above paragraphs are what I have come to realize. When I was younger I never thought that I would be here now. I never thought that I would be clueless as to what I was going to do for a career. I never thought that I would be afraid of what people thought of me. I never thought that I would be doing everything in my power to come up with a plan to find a way to the Newfs without dropping everything and just doing it. In fact, I thought by now I would've found a way there already. Today, I am nowhere near who I thought I was going to be. But really, that's okay because I know that someday I'm going to figure out exactly what I'm going to do and who I'm going to be. It all just takes a little more time.
- Lo
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
im swearing if i go back now, i can change your mind and turn it all around.
Once upon a time, there was a girl. That's it. Just a girl. She did not truly excel in any particular area; in fact she was rather un-extraordinary. Although she did have a knack for all things academic. She chalked that up to a lucky gene selection, since she clearly didn't work hard enough to actually earn the success she did in that respect. She had many crazy dreams for her life and she was afraid that life wasn't long enough to achieve all of them. Here are some of them.
She wanted to be a writer. Not as a career of course, but more as a hobby. She really wanted to be published though. She wanted to finish writing a novel. Throughout the years she had had many novel attempts on the go but she never ended up finishing them. There were a variety of reasons for this: she would run out of inspiration, run out of time to spend writing, or just hate the whole idea and scrap it. Her stories were often motivated by events that were going on in her life or emotions that were really prominent at a particular point in time, but once said event/emotion passed, then she lacked the drive to continue writing. The only could way that she could effectively write creatively was when she was bothered emotionally by something. If she were feeling neutral or happy, then it was very hard to come up with a decent idea. This translates into her blog writing as well. As you, the reader, might be able to see, when this girl is upset about something or thinking constantly about something, it translates into more emotional writing. And her emotional writing is far better than her essay-type no-emotion writing. She wanted to be a writer to inspire others and to create a story reflecting something real.
She also wanted to travel the world. Her twenties were going to be a very busy time for her. She had a feeling that she would not settle down right away. She had always been taught that once you were married and had children and bills to pay, it was very hard to get away from it all. Sure, she wasn't against the marriage thing at all, but she did not want kids and all the responsibility of a middle-age adult in her twenties. She wanted to be free, as cliché as that sounds. She wanted to travel to all the countries; backpack through Europe, live in Australia, visit the wonders of the world. She wanted to experience new cultures and do all the things that would be on a bucket list. She would figure out what kind of career she wanted, then she would both work at that and travel at the same time.
She wanted to visit the people that were the most special to her and who she did not get to see. Newfoundland, Utah, Massachusetts. Those were the main places she had to go. Her extended family that she wasn't actually related to lived in Utah and Massachusetts and she owed them so much. They were kind to her when she didn't deserve it, and put up with all of her rants and discussions trying to figure her life out. She loved them just as much as her actual family and she valued their presence in her life so much. She also needed to visit Newfoundland, asap. But she was afraid to go there, in case that she did not live up to all the expectations. She wasn't all that special and she was afraid that they would wonder why they spent so many years talking to her. That was one of her greatest fears. But on the other hand, she needed to do it. She needed to put a face to her very best friends (for lack of a better term). She needed to know that they were real and that they actually had always been there for her. She needed to tell him that she loved him, to his face. She also wanted to go to Newfoundland to escape the superficial she saw in her own city and province. She wanted to chill out and just go with the flow. To not have to worry about planning her life three million years in advance (obvious exaggeration). She knew that visiting the people she loved would provide the kind of happiness she could only imagine (which is also a corny way of putting it).
She had other dreams, but these three were the most important to her. She had one wish above all though: no matter what happened in her life and no matter where she went, she wanted to be happy.
- Lo
She wanted to be a writer. Not as a career of course, but more as a hobby. She really wanted to be published though. She wanted to finish writing a novel. Throughout the years she had had many novel attempts on the go but she never ended up finishing them. There were a variety of reasons for this: she would run out of inspiration, run out of time to spend writing, or just hate the whole idea and scrap it. Her stories were often motivated by events that were going on in her life or emotions that were really prominent at a particular point in time, but once said event/emotion passed, then she lacked the drive to continue writing. The only could way that she could effectively write creatively was when she was bothered emotionally by something. If she were feeling neutral or happy, then it was very hard to come up with a decent idea. This translates into her blog writing as well. As you, the reader, might be able to see, when this girl is upset about something or thinking constantly about something, it translates into more emotional writing. And her emotional writing is far better than her essay-type no-emotion writing. She wanted to be a writer to inspire others and to create a story reflecting something real.
She also wanted to travel the world. Her twenties were going to be a very busy time for her. She had a feeling that she would not settle down right away. She had always been taught that once you were married and had children and bills to pay, it was very hard to get away from it all. Sure, she wasn't against the marriage thing at all, but she did not want kids and all the responsibility of a middle-age adult in her twenties. She wanted to be free, as cliché as that sounds. She wanted to travel to all the countries; backpack through Europe, live in Australia, visit the wonders of the world. She wanted to experience new cultures and do all the things that would be on a bucket list. She would figure out what kind of career she wanted, then she would both work at that and travel at the same time.
She wanted to visit the people that were the most special to her and who she did not get to see. Newfoundland, Utah, Massachusetts. Those were the main places she had to go. Her extended family that she wasn't actually related to lived in Utah and Massachusetts and she owed them so much. They were kind to her when she didn't deserve it, and put up with all of her rants and discussions trying to figure her life out. She loved them just as much as her actual family and she valued their presence in her life so much. She also needed to visit Newfoundland, asap. But she was afraid to go there, in case that she did not live up to all the expectations. She wasn't all that special and she was afraid that they would wonder why they spent so many years talking to her. That was one of her greatest fears. But on the other hand, she needed to do it. She needed to put a face to her very best friends (for lack of a better term). She needed to know that they were real and that they actually had always been there for her. She needed to tell him that she loved him, to his face. She also wanted to go to Newfoundland to escape the superficial she saw in her own city and province. She wanted to chill out and just go with the flow. To not have to worry about planning her life three million years in advance (obvious exaggeration). She knew that visiting the people she loved would provide the kind of happiness she could only imagine (which is also a corny way of putting it).
She had other dreams, but these three were the most important to her. She had one wish above all though: no matter what happened in her life and no matter where she went, she wanted to be happy.
- Lo
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