I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have a lot of regrets and there are many words I wish I could take back. I've made a fool of myself so many times I don't even bother to keep track. Many times, I don't even know who I am anymore. In fact, I know I don't. I keep changing my mind about everything. I've always been this way, it's just more pronounced and noticeable to the world around me because I've been forced to make some pretty big decisions.
I'm not perfect. I'm not what anyone wants me to be. Everyone has a problem with me in some way and I've learned that that is okay and that I'm never going to be able to please everyone. That's a lesson I struggle to learn every day. Please, don't hurt me for being who I am. I wouldn't do it to you.
I'm a work in progress. A ball of emotion and stress. Working through each and every day just to try and make a little place for myself. Sometimes it feels like I'll never have a place, since I keep having to find a new one to try and situate myself.
If there's one lesson I've learned that is the most valuable, it's patience.
- Lo
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
this path is reckless, this slope is treacherous, and i like it.
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
~ Mae West
It's been a really long time since I last posted anything. Almost an entire year. My life has changed so dramatically in the past year and I have learned many new things. I have learned what love feels like, as well as heartbreak. I have learned what it feels like to screw up, to learn lessons, and how to pick yourself back up when you've fallen to rock bottom. I have had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many new things. This past year has been a learning curve and I'm still learning. I'd just like to point out some lessons that I have learned. They aren't to be taken as generalizable rules; they are just things that I find apply to me.
1. Don't count on anyone else to bring you happiness or peace.
This is a big one. I have spent a lot of my life relying on others to help me feel happy or feel good about life and there have been a lot of times where the only time I feel good is when I have someone paying any attention to me. I've learned that this is wrong. You can't count on anyone. People are going to walk in and out and while it sucks and it hurts like hell, they're going to do what they want. I live my life for me, so why wouldn't I expect everyone else to live that way as well? I have had to learn that yes, I am going to go to bed without saying goodnight to someone sometimes. And yes, someone you love is going to leave you and you'll probably never get over it. But the thing is, I can learn to cope. Even when the world ends, as long as I can cope, I think eventually I could pick myself back up again.
2. Your first love lasts forever.
I'll never get over this. I'll still always want him. I'll always want that connection, those moments of pure bliss. The way we're perfectly synchronized. The way I can tell him anything, even the stupid things and not be afraid that he'll think I'm weird. The memories. Everything that I can't do or listen to or watch anymore, because it all reminds me of him. Even though I fell apart and I was the one that ruined everything, I'll still always want him in my heart. And in my life.
3. Focusing on school work is a good way to forget about the emotions and the real world.
Whenever things get difficult in life, just focus on studying for that next midterm. Write that essay. Put all your focus into it, to just distract yourself from any and all inner pain.
4. Many different experiences are what make your life a story worth telling.
Recently, I've taken a different path than what I was on for all my life previously. I met and connected with some old people from my past and have gotten to know many awesome new people. They are very different from my usual kind of person, but they are more like me in the way they think and see the world. I really enjoy spending time with them, and while I haven't shared much about me as a person, I've still been able to get to know them a fair bit. I'll miss their company if it's gone.
5. Don't apologize for living.
I'm young, and I'm going to live while I can. I'm going to make mistakes and I'm going to do a lot of things I regret. But that's how I learn. Hopefully I don't mess up too bad, and I don't want to ruin good things. But I want to experience life. You only get to be alive once, and I don't want to miss the chance.
I'm me. I'm shy, a little insecure, sometimes I'm sensitive. I'm adventurous, I love trying new things, and I hardly ever turn down a dare. I dream, I think, I write, I sing. I play music really loud in the car and sing at the top of my lungs because no one can hear me. I like to explore. I like being loved and feeling special. I like to meet new people and get to really know them. I get attached to people easily and I love with all my heart. I live.
- Lo
~ Mae West
It's been a really long time since I last posted anything. Almost an entire year. My life has changed so dramatically in the past year and I have learned many new things. I have learned what love feels like, as well as heartbreak. I have learned what it feels like to screw up, to learn lessons, and how to pick yourself back up when you've fallen to rock bottom. I have had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many new things. This past year has been a learning curve and I'm still learning. I'd just like to point out some lessons that I have learned. They aren't to be taken as generalizable rules; they are just things that I find apply to me.
1. Don't count on anyone else to bring you happiness or peace.
This is a big one. I have spent a lot of my life relying on others to help me feel happy or feel good about life and there have been a lot of times where the only time I feel good is when I have someone paying any attention to me. I've learned that this is wrong. You can't count on anyone. People are going to walk in and out and while it sucks and it hurts like hell, they're going to do what they want. I live my life for me, so why wouldn't I expect everyone else to live that way as well? I have had to learn that yes, I am going to go to bed without saying goodnight to someone sometimes. And yes, someone you love is going to leave you and you'll probably never get over it. But the thing is, I can learn to cope. Even when the world ends, as long as I can cope, I think eventually I could pick myself back up again.
2. Your first love lasts forever.
I'll never get over this. I'll still always want him. I'll always want that connection, those moments of pure bliss. The way we're perfectly synchronized. The way I can tell him anything, even the stupid things and not be afraid that he'll think I'm weird. The memories. Everything that I can't do or listen to or watch anymore, because it all reminds me of him. Even though I fell apart and I was the one that ruined everything, I'll still always want him in my heart. And in my life.
3. Focusing on school work is a good way to forget about the emotions and the real world.
Whenever things get difficult in life, just focus on studying for that next midterm. Write that essay. Put all your focus into it, to just distract yourself from any and all inner pain.
4. Many different experiences are what make your life a story worth telling.
Recently, I've taken a different path than what I was on for all my life previously. I met and connected with some old people from my past and have gotten to know many awesome new people. They are very different from my usual kind of person, but they are more like me in the way they think and see the world. I really enjoy spending time with them, and while I haven't shared much about me as a person, I've still been able to get to know them a fair bit. I'll miss their company if it's gone.
5. Don't apologize for living.
I'm young, and I'm going to live while I can. I'm going to make mistakes and I'm going to do a lot of things I regret. But that's how I learn. Hopefully I don't mess up too bad, and I don't want to ruin good things. But I want to experience life. You only get to be alive once, and I don't want to miss the chance.
I'm me. I'm shy, a little insecure, sometimes I'm sensitive. I'm adventurous, I love trying new things, and I hardly ever turn down a dare. I dream, I think, I write, I sing. I play music really loud in the car and sing at the top of my lungs because no one can hear me. I like to explore. I like being loved and feeling special. I like to meet new people and get to really know them. I get attached to people easily and I love with all my heart. I live.
- Lo
Monday, January 16, 2012
you and i will be safe and sound.
A kiss is designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
~ Ingrid Bergman
I love with all my heart, and while it's a dangerous thing I wouldn't have it any other way. It's the best feeling in the world to love someone and know that you are loved in return. That feeling can bring to the highest peak of the tallest mountain. When it isn't perfect, it brings you down to the lowest valleys. The way to make it work is just to accept the faults and be willing to work through problems. Sometimes, it's not that appealing when the whole world seems against you. Maybe too, you think you would be better off without the drama. But then you have to think to yourself: do you really want to do that? Would you really be happier without them?
For me, the answer is always no. It will always be no. I love fully and completely and accept the challenges as they come. It happens, but nothing is so tragic that it has to ruin the things that make you happy permanently. It's about working at it, and learning from your mistakes. It's about knowing that while you aren't perfect, you can still make things better if the other person will give you the chance. It's about being quiet, stepping away, and then calmly resolving the issues. This is the best part of my life, and how could anyone choose to live without that?
This is my response to a lot of things that happened last week.
- Lo
~ Ingrid Bergman
I love with all my heart, and while it's a dangerous thing I wouldn't have it any other way. It's the best feeling in the world to love someone and know that you are loved in return. That feeling can bring to the highest peak of the tallest mountain. When it isn't perfect, it brings you down to the lowest valleys. The way to make it work is just to accept the faults and be willing to work through problems. Sometimes, it's not that appealing when the whole world seems against you. Maybe too, you think you would be better off without the drama. But then you have to think to yourself: do you really want to do that? Would you really be happier without them?
For me, the answer is always no. It will always be no. I love fully and completely and accept the challenges as they come. It happens, but nothing is so tragic that it has to ruin the things that make you happy permanently. It's about working at it, and learning from your mistakes. It's about knowing that while you aren't perfect, you can still make things better if the other person will give you the chance. It's about being quiet, stepping away, and then calmly resolving the issues. This is the best part of my life, and how could anyone choose to live without that?
This is my response to a lot of things that happened last week.
- Lo
Friday, January 13, 2012
stop.
Note to self:
Just stop. STOP. Cut it out already.
It's not about being perfect.
It's not about saying the right thing.
Just learn to say see you later, stop asking if you'll talk later, stop.
Stop being confusing.
Just, for goodness sakes, cut it out.
Say what you're thinking, not what'll make others happy.
Learn to pay attention.
Stop getting flustered.
Just LISTEN.
Learn how to transition from quiet to a normal day. It's really not hard, so figure it out.
And for God's sake, stop causing arguments every goddamn day. It's not rocket science.
Just be a normal person. It's not hard. Stop worrying so much and being an idiot.
You're just being a stupid fool. Pull it together before you screw up worse.
...or maybe, you are just that stupid. Why won't you learn? What is wrong with you that you can't get it through your head?
Love always,
- Lo
Just stop. STOP. Cut it out already.
It's not about being perfect.
It's not about saying the right thing.
Just learn to say see you later, stop asking if you'll talk later, stop.
Stop being confusing.
Just, for goodness sakes, cut it out.
Say what you're thinking, not what'll make others happy.
Learn to pay attention.
Stop getting flustered.
Just LISTEN.
Learn how to transition from quiet to a normal day. It's really not hard, so figure it out.
And for God's sake, stop causing arguments every goddamn day. It's not rocket science.
Just be a normal person. It's not hard. Stop worrying so much and being an idiot.
You're just being a stupid fool. Pull it together before you screw up worse.
...or maybe, you are just that stupid. Why won't you learn? What is wrong with you that you can't get it through your head?
Love always,
- Lo
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