Once upon a time, there was a girl who pondered several questions she found important to her. She wanted to know the answers to these questions, but unfortunately for her they weren't questions that had any helpful answers. The only way to know was to wait and be patient. But she wasn't very good at patience so she often felt hopeless when thinking about these things.
The first thing she wanted to know was why she felt so attached to one person. Why did she feel like her world was somehow tied to this person's in a way that were he to disappear, she wouldn't know what to do? This isn't to say that she couldn't live without him - she had done so before. But what she wanted to know is why she felt a small piece of dependency. She had always prided herself on being completely independent; never needing anyone or anything to help her get through a tough time or to provide her with happiness. So why was it that this one person was the one who could always make her feel better after a bad day, or amuse her with simple things, when no one else - not even herself - could? Why couldn't she let go or go for days without speaking to him when for everyone else she didn't feel such an attachment? Why did she feel so horribly guilty whenever she was angry and took it out on him, when she usually got over it with an apology with anyone else? She knew she loved him in some capacity; you can't be that close to someone without loving them. She also knew that the love she had identified was the same kind you associate with a really good friend or relative. But she also had confusing feeling in regards to this person as well. She knew that she couldn't imagine her life without having him in it, but she didn't know why that was. What made this relationship so special that she couldn't bear if it were to ever not exist? No matter what changed in her life, this was one of the very few constants. Maybe that was why she depended on it. Sometimes she didn't like it, but most of the times she loved it more than almost anything else in her world. She supposed she should just wait, and probably shouldn't try to figure out such a complicated mess. Just enjoy what she had and leave the detective work for later.
The other question she pondered, was why she seemed destined to be alone. She wondered what made her so awful that she always had to be alone and could never get too close to anyone. She lasted for a couple months at most, then either she would drift away into anti-social behaviour or the other person(s) would not want anything to do with her anymore. Was she that horrible a person? What was it about her that made her so undesirable to everyone? Even to herself? Why couldn't she trust anyone and why did she want to get out of dodge as soon as she could? She wondered if she was following a bigger purpose or if she was just too afraid to make attachments because she had gotten hurt so often. She didn't really feel emotiona hurt that much anymore; the sharpness of that kind of pain had dulled into acceptance. She knew that emotionally she was far out of sync from everyone else. The path her life was taking was far different than everyone else. The normal pattern of things that teenagers do didn't really happen with her. For some things that was very good and yet for others it made her question her own life. Was it something she did or said? Was it the way she looked that made her so different than everyone else? The question that hurt her most of all was, why did everyone leave? She hadn't had a true best friend in many years. Not since she was nine years old. There was always something, where she felt she couldn't really confide in anyone, she couldn't trust anyone, and she could never let down her guard.
The two major areas she questioned related in that they were somewhat opposites. She couldn't trust and couldn't get close to anyone, and yet she was trusting this person not to leave her. She was trusting that he would always be around, no matter how old they got or where their lives took them. She wondered if subconsciously she hoped that she would get to be with him one day, not just virtually, but actually hug him and know that he was real. She was embarrassed by that, because it signified weakness in her eyes. He was a strong individual; why wasn't she when it came to them? She also knew that it was possibly wrong to feel so strongly about their relationship - after all, he had all the people in his life; what could he possibly want with her?
She knew she wasn't good enough and that he would probably think her thoughts were silly, and yet she wrote them down anyway. She knew he'd find them one day and she was trusting that he would tell her if she was wrong or if she was right. Maybe that was all she craved - for him to really tell her what was going on. To help her make sense of it all, instead of just mindlessly plowing through and ignoring everything that should be discussed. So she waited for that day when everything would finally make sense, and she could stop wondering secretly in the middle of the night.
- Lo
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
and if you asked me if i love him, i'd lie.
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was very busy, and yet not busy at all. She was happy and yet at times she felt like she was missing something important. She had some of her life figured out, and yet she still didn't have a clue of what she was doing. She was a mystery, one that no one seemed to be able to understand.
All she wanted was to be friends with everyone; boys, girls, younger, older. Anyone. Unfortunately for her, this sometimes led to mistakes. She let the wrong people get close and as a result she became too afraid to speak her mind, even over the simplest things. She would change her mind over saying hello to someone she wished to befriend because she wondered if people wouldn't like her or would think she were weird or something. She thought everything over at least three times before she said anything.
She also had two guy friends who began to annoy her endlessly. They became clingy and innapropriate. She considered one like a brother but he ruined it by being incredibly clingy and she believed that a lot of people thought she was secretly dating him, even though she could never and would never do such a thing. The other boy she thought she could be friends with, but his comments just made her uncomfortable all the time and so she came to also not want to be around him because it was really not what wanted. She wanted to get away from them somewhat and talk to different people but she was shy, and she didn't know how to say anything without thinking that it sounded strange. She was also incredibly afraid of being shot down. And so she pulled away and lingered for a while, trying to figure out what to do.
Her life was good, she couldn't deny it. She had almost everything she could ever dream of, and she was happy. Her wish had come true. But she was terrified of failing. She was afraid of everyone disliking her or thinking she was weird. She cared far too much about what everyone thought of her. She couldn't help it, but she tried her very hardest to do her best in everything and she hoped that one day she would succeed in befriending all those around her.
She also missed her very best guy friend whom she hadn't spoken to in ages. He always knew what to tell her, even if he hardly spoke at all. It was a friendship she hoped to keep forever, no matter the distance, because they were meant to know each other and to be friends, for a very long time.
This girl was a little different; her interests were incredibly varied and she loved to be social but lacked the confidence to act on it. But she tried hard, and in the end it may prove to be successful for her.
- Lo
All she wanted was to be friends with everyone; boys, girls, younger, older. Anyone. Unfortunately for her, this sometimes led to mistakes. She let the wrong people get close and as a result she became too afraid to speak her mind, even over the simplest things. She would change her mind over saying hello to someone she wished to befriend because she wondered if people wouldn't like her or would think she were weird or something. She thought everything over at least three times before she said anything.
She also had two guy friends who began to annoy her endlessly. They became clingy and innapropriate. She considered one like a brother but he ruined it by being incredibly clingy and she believed that a lot of people thought she was secretly dating him, even though she could never and would never do such a thing. The other boy she thought she could be friends with, but his comments just made her uncomfortable all the time and so she came to also not want to be around him because it was really not what wanted. She wanted to get away from them somewhat and talk to different people but she was shy, and she didn't know how to say anything without thinking that it sounded strange. She was also incredibly afraid of being shot down. And so she pulled away and lingered for a while, trying to figure out what to do.
Her life was good, she couldn't deny it. She had almost everything she could ever dream of, and she was happy. Her wish had come true. But she was terrified of failing. She was afraid of everyone disliking her or thinking she was weird. She cared far too much about what everyone thought of her. She couldn't help it, but she tried her very hardest to do her best in everything and she hoped that one day she would succeed in befriending all those around her.
She also missed her very best guy friend whom she hadn't spoken to in ages. He always knew what to tell her, even if he hardly spoke at all. It was a friendship she hoped to keep forever, no matter the distance, because they were meant to know each other and to be friends, for a very long time.
This girl was a little different; her interests were incredibly varied and she loved to be social but lacked the confidence to act on it. But she tried hard, and in the end it may prove to be successful for her.
- Lo
Thursday, December 9, 2010
the kind of girl you want; she is everything i'm not.
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She had all she needed to be happy. And she had finally found herself a state in which she was happy the majority of the time, despite being incredibly busy and having much to stress about. She was happy all the time, but for some reason old habits die hard. She would on occasion find herself lonely or wishing that she were a better person or she looked better or a number of other imaginable flaws. She didnt really feel anything when she was in such a mindframe, but she would be distracted for a time wanting something she didn't really want. She got over it quickly and life moved on, but it was a rather irritable occurrence.
Another habit that refused to die was her inability to get close to anyone. She always had to keep some distance between herself and everyone. A lot of it was due to not wanting to appear clingy when she was so not even close, but part of it was always to wait for something or to always have an excuse why she shouldn't be close to the people that knew her the best. Especially when it came to guy friends. She liked their company but worried that they might see their friendship as more than it was. And she didn't want to ever be in the situation where she had to be mean about it so she often reminded them that they were like brothers to her - and that's all there ever would be.
She had to do this with two people in particular because they just didn't seem to get the hint. She enjoyed their company and being able to talk about stuff, but that was absolutely it. She wasn't in denial like some would speculate; on the contrary she was very sure of her mind and her feelings. She viewed them like more younger siblings. And she knew if they opportunity ever arose, she would have to hurt them if they tried to make it more than what she wanted. This she feared very much. And so because of this fear, periodically she'd push them away, to try and create space. It wasn't a situation she liked, but it was necessary. And she'd keep doing it until they realized. She had to come to learn about herself and the situation that she would rather be alone then have to fake her feelings. She just couldn't do such a thing.
But it made her wonder, why did they have to push the issue so, when she'd made her feelings very clear? And why did it seem like the end of good friendships was near, when it didn't have to be that way? She pondered it and to this day she still does not know.
- Lo
Another habit that refused to die was her inability to get close to anyone. She always had to keep some distance between herself and everyone. A lot of it was due to not wanting to appear clingy when she was so not even close, but part of it was always to wait for something or to always have an excuse why she shouldn't be close to the people that knew her the best. Especially when it came to guy friends. She liked their company but worried that they might see their friendship as more than it was. And she didn't want to ever be in the situation where she had to be mean about it so she often reminded them that they were like brothers to her - and that's all there ever would be.
She had to do this with two people in particular because they just didn't seem to get the hint. She enjoyed their company and being able to talk about stuff, but that was absolutely it. She wasn't in denial like some would speculate; on the contrary she was very sure of her mind and her feelings. She viewed them like more younger siblings. And she knew if they opportunity ever arose, she would have to hurt them if they tried to make it more than what she wanted. This she feared very much. And so because of this fear, periodically she'd push them away, to try and create space. It wasn't a situation she liked, but it was necessary. And she'd keep doing it until they realized. She had to come to learn about herself and the situation that she would rather be alone then have to fake her feelings. She just couldn't do such a thing.
But it made her wonder, why did they have to push the issue so, when she'd made her feelings very clear? And why did it seem like the end of good friendships was near, when it didn't have to be that way? She pondered it and to this day she still does not know.
- Lo
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