Once upon a time, there was another girl. She was smart, pretty, outgoing; basically she had all the features you would expect in your all-American type small town girl. She had a lot going for her. But she had her heart broken and was scrambling to find her way back to what she considered normal. I won't say I knew a lot about her life, because I only knew what I saw and what she told me. And I had been gone for a long time.
I learned a lot from her though about the complexities of small town life. I was still your average small town girl, but I was trying my hand out in the city. Bigger, slightly more people; I was trying to escape the problems she proved to me that there were. Let me put it simply. In a small town, everyone knows everyone else. When there's a little over 300 kids in your high school, it's very hard to hide anything from anyone. Rumours, truths, any gossip going around is known by everyone. Even the teachers start to give you advice for your problems. At the time when I reconnected with old friends, I had been missing the small town atmosphere because it was more personal, but when she would tell me all these stories, I realized then that getting out had been the best thing I could have done at the time.
But what bothered me was an attitude. It was that attitude that screams "I-can-get-anyone-I-want". Now, I don't usually care one way or the other how confident someone is in their ability to get other people, but when you actually start to consider breaking people up because you want a guy, then I have a problem with that. But once again, that's kind of part of our small town life. That's just how it goes. If you can't hang on to the one you're into, then maybe you weren't supposed to be together. That's the mindset. I'm well-versed in this, and I've more than my fair share of being on the losing end of things.
Well my friend with her broken heart was trying to heal herself, and inevitably she entered the rebound stage. I was trying to help her and I can admit that we had some pretty awkward moments. At one point we were both interested in the same person. I probably shouldn't have been taken in by his charm, but even the best of us fall off the wagon sometimes. But again, inevitably, her 'I can get anyone' attitude bested me. Then that wasn't good enough and she moved on. This story in itself would take a while to tell and it still isn't over, but for now all you have to know is that she got over this rebound. Then we went to a school game and I listened the whole time as she basically scouted who she thought she might like to have a relationship with at some point.
The thought that struck me was how confident she was. She believed that she actually could end up with anyone just because she wanted it. She didn't even consider what their plans or feelings might be. It was as if everyone would just give her what she wanted. And the really sad thing is, that's probably what'll happen. I don't know why that is, but I know that I could never have the kind of certainty that she did. It honestly shocked me. I realized then that we were not on the same page like we were when we were kids. It was also then that I realized that I was glad I got out that small place, even if I miss some people every single day and there are days that I wish I knew everyone in my school personally.
I hope she gets what she wants. And I really hope that whatever ends up happening makes her happy. Because sometimes, having that confidence is what helps people get through their day.
- Lo
Monday, November 22, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
we've got bills to pay, we've got nothing figured out.
Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved her family and friends very much. Deep down, she knew that she would do anything for them, anything at all. She would give up her own goals if it meant that they would be happy and that they would love her in return. She was very serious about that. She wanted to be loved back by those she loved more than anything in the entire world.
She was also an avid reader and a collector of histories. She kept all the conversation she had with people and she would read them months later, laughing at how naive she had been and glad that at least she had grown up some from those days. She often realized how lucky she was to have people love her after the way she behaved sometimes. She tried to learn from the mistakes she saw in her old self and hoped beyond hope that she was different than what she had been.
She knew it must be difficult for her family to love her. She didn't have to hide anything from them and her personality was very outgoing at home. She wasn't afraid to shoot back quick remarks because she knew that they would forgive her every time; because that's what families do.
But it was when she was with her friends that she worried. She worried about every word she said and how it might be taken. She worried that she was being too outgoing, or too shy, or talking to much, or not enough. Did she show enough emotion? Did she listen enough? She was constantly second-guessing herself and wanted to keep their friendship more than anything. She never felt like she was worthy of their approval. They were much better people than she was. She had gone through time where she was very stubborn and didn't listen when people tried to help her. She shot off her own quick remarks and sometimes that could have come off disastrous. She thought she knew the world, but looking back, she realized she barely knew anything at all.
She tried to make up for it, but she wondered if she ever could. The worst was when someone would say that she hadn't even been a bad person. Maybe she hadn't been a bad person to them, but to her she had failed herself. Her only goal in life was to help people. That was was she thought she was good at. But if she couldn't do that properly, then what chance did she have at achieving anything or keeping those she loved close to her?
- Lo
She was also an avid reader and a collector of histories. She kept all the conversation she had with people and she would read them months later, laughing at how naive she had been and glad that at least she had grown up some from those days. She often realized how lucky she was to have people love her after the way she behaved sometimes. She tried to learn from the mistakes she saw in her old self and hoped beyond hope that she was different than what she had been.
She knew it must be difficult for her family to love her. She didn't have to hide anything from them and her personality was very outgoing at home. She wasn't afraid to shoot back quick remarks because she knew that they would forgive her every time; because that's what families do.
But it was when she was with her friends that she worried. She worried about every word she said and how it might be taken. She worried that she was being too outgoing, or too shy, or talking to much, or not enough. Did she show enough emotion? Did she listen enough? She was constantly second-guessing herself and wanted to keep their friendship more than anything. She never felt like she was worthy of their approval. They were much better people than she was. She had gone through time where she was very stubborn and didn't listen when people tried to help her. She shot off her own quick remarks and sometimes that could have come off disastrous. She thought she knew the world, but looking back, she realized she barely knew anything at all.
She tried to make up for it, but she wondered if she ever could. The worst was when someone would say that she hadn't even been a bad person. Maybe she hadn't been a bad person to them, but to her she had failed herself. Her only goal in life was to help people. That was was she thought she was good at. But if she couldn't do that properly, then what chance did she have at achieving anything or keeping those she loved close to her?
- Lo
Sunday, November 14, 2010
you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all the time.
Once upon a time, there was a boy. This was no ordinary boy. This boy had the biggest heart you can imagine, and he was the sweetest thing. If I had to speculate, I would say that this boy cared about everything deeply and at one point had probably been kind of sensitive. This boy grew up into a young man and through the years many things happened to him. It began to wear on him and he began to hide that goodness.
He was still a kind soul with big dreams when I knew him but little did I know all the crap that was going on in his life. He never let on, he just let me do my thing and rant when I needed to. There are definitely times when I wasn't a good friend to him and I regret that now. There were days I should have backed off and I didn't, words I should have kept unsaid and didn't, and times when I should have picked up on foul moods. But it takes a while to learn what you're best friend is like and I don't think I ever figured it out completely.
There were days when we fought like crazy, neither one giving an inch to the other. It went on for hours; accusing each other of things we knew nothing about and not listening to what the other was saying. Then we'd leave angry at one another or else we'd tire out the argument and realize how stupid the whole thing was. But no matter what, he was always there for me when I needed him. I tried to be there for him too, but he never seemed to need me. It often felt like a one-way friendship, where I couldn't offer anything of use. I began to resent that and tried my hardest to be needed or wanted.
We had our embarrassing time. I'm not sure what he thought re-reading those conversations but when I read them months later I wonder how we ever were like that. How did he put up with my embarrassingly lame stories or responses? The silly games we used to play? I always felt so inferior to him and I have proof of how much of a naive kid I was at the time. But I never want to delete them because I read them for laughs and to have the proof that we were happy and we could talk to one another about anything for hours.
Then we entered the phase of depression. I never felt so useless in my life. I knew he was slipping, I knew the good days were behind us, and yet there was nothing I could do. I was still struggling with my own troubles every day. We didn't talk as much. Oh sure we spoke to one another every day, but it was just the same ol' basic conversation of 'hey' 'hi' 'what's up?' 'nothing, you?' 'nothing'. And that would be the extent of our conversation. For months it was like this. On rare occasions he'd snap and let me into his head for a little while but then he'd shut back up for weeks and I wouldn't see his bright personality again.
That phase gradually ended and I felt like we might be able to salvage the happiness we had before. But I was wrong. We were both older, both more worn and scarred, and I realized that we could never be the once carefree children we once had been. Conversation still came with a little difficulty and there were still days when I angered him and I didn't know why. We weren't as close as we had been and we had different friends and experiences. But we couldn't share our new experiences because we were different people. I knew I shouldn't tell some of the things that were going on in my life and he never felt inclined to fill me in with what was going on in his life. It felt like he was still trying to pull away from our friendship and I didn't know why.
But then there would be days when he'd come home drunk and we'd have a conversation like we used to. Or he'd ask me what kind of relationship we had and I honestly to this day have never found a word to describe our relationship. We've loved and hated each other, gotten under one another's skin and still shared some of our biggest fears. Our friendship or relationship or whatever it is had its ups and downs and yet we still seemed to always pull through.
Today, he is not the little boy I think he once was. He is not the young man with all the big dreams that I met. The world has been harsh to him and it has turned him into the seemingly cold person I got to see. I often feared that I was the cause of the way our relationship changed but no matter what happened I always believed that he was the most amazing person I had ever met.
- Lo
He was still a kind soul with big dreams when I knew him but little did I know all the crap that was going on in his life. He never let on, he just let me do my thing and rant when I needed to. There are definitely times when I wasn't a good friend to him and I regret that now. There were days I should have backed off and I didn't, words I should have kept unsaid and didn't, and times when I should have picked up on foul moods. But it takes a while to learn what you're best friend is like and I don't think I ever figured it out completely.
There were days when we fought like crazy, neither one giving an inch to the other. It went on for hours; accusing each other of things we knew nothing about and not listening to what the other was saying. Then we'd leave angry at one another or else we'd tire out the argument and realize how stupid the whole thing was. But no matter what, he was always there for me when I needed him. I tried to be there for him too, but he never seemed to need me. It often felt like a one-way friendship, where I couldn't offer anything of use. I began to resent that and tried my hardest to be needed or wanted.
We had our embarrassing time. I'm not sure what he thought re-reading those conversations but when I read them months later I wonder how we ever were like that. How did he put up with my embarrassingly lame stories or responses? The silly games we used to play? I always felt so inferior to him and I have proof of how much of a naive kid I was at the time. But I never want to delete them because I read them for laughs and to have the proof that we were happy and we could talk to one another about anything for hours.
Then we entered the phase of depression. I never felt so useless in my life. I knew he was slipping, I knew the good days were behind us, and yet there was nothing I could do. I was still struggling with my own troubles every day. We didn't talk as much. Oh sure we spoke to one another every day, but it was just the same ol' basic conversation of 'hey' 'hi' 'what's up?' 'nothing, you?' 'nothing'. And that would be the extent of our conversation. For months it was like this. On rare occasions he'd snap and let me into his head for a little while but then he'd shut back up for weeks and I wouldn't see his bright personality again.
That phase gradually ended and I felt like we might be able to salvage the happiness we had before. But I was wrong. We were both older, both more worn and scarred, and I realized that we could never be the once carefree children we once had been. Conversation still came with a little difficulty and there were still days when I angered him and I didn't know why. We weren't as close as we had been and we had different friends and experiences. But we couldn't share our new experiences because we were different people. I knew I shouldn't tell some of the things that were going on in my life and he never felt inclined to fill me in with what was going on in his life. It felt like he was still trying to pull away from our friendship and I didn't know why.
But then there would be days when he'd come home drunk and we'd have a conversation like we used to. Or he'd ask me what kind of relationship we had and I honestly to this day have never found a word to describe our relationship. We've loved and hated each other, gotten under one another's skin and still shared some of our biggest fears. Our friendship or relationship or whatever it is had its ups and downs and yet we still seemed to always pull through.
Today, he is not the little boy I think he once was. He is not the young man with all the big dreams that I met. The world has been harsh to him and it has turned him into the seemingly cold person I got to see. I often feared that I was the cause of the way our relationship changed but no matter what happened I always believed that he was the most amazing person I had ever met.
- Lo
Friday, November 12, 2010
something keeps me holding on to nothing.
I think that in this life, there is always that one person you will always have some kind of feelings for. You may not remain close to that person or maybe you end up being best friends or maybe your relationship actually works out and you're together forever. But no matter what happens in the end, you'll always have feelings for them. It might be your first love and it might not be. Lord knows that for me it certainly isn't my first "love". And maybe they might not always be romantic feelings. You might just want to be involved in their life somehow, just keeping in touch and through whatever small relationship you might have now you get to remember what it was like when it was more than that.
These feelings don't go away. It could be years later, like it is now, and you still find yourself wondering what it would be like to fall for them again. Or what it would be like to tell them that you never got over them. Maybe you did get over those feelings and you enjoy a very wholesome friendship. But deep down you keep wondering 'what if?' or 'remember when...'
I'm not perfect. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I've had problems learning when to keep my thoughts to myself rather than tell those certain people I tell things to. But I know this very well and I believe it. I believe in that one person because I know those feelings keep popping up for me. I know that because of all the Facebook statuses those teenage girls write that really aren't all that deceptive. Take note: song lyrics are the most obvious form of expressing your true feelings without actually stating them. I especially believe that you start missing that person when you feel especially vulnerable or lonely or weak. That's when you want the good parts of your past the most.
I feel enlightened by this epiphany of mine and I think I've learned to handle these times. If I could give anyone advice, I'd say to avoid making really hasty decisions while you're emotional because those are the ones you'll regret the most. Try and make your important decisions with a level head; it'll turn out better for you in the end. And don't worry so much about that one person. They'll still be in your life if they're supposed to be there.
- Lo
These feelings don't go away. It could be years later, like it is now, and you still find yourself wondering what it would be like to fall for them again. Or what it would be like to tell them that you never got over them. Maybe you did get over those feelings and you enjoy a very wholesome friendship. But deep down you keep wondering 'what if?' or 'remember when...'
I'm not perfect. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I've had problems learning when to keep my thoughts to myself rather than tell those certain people I tell things to. But I know this very well and I believe it. I believe in that one person because I know those feelings keep popping up for me. I know that because of all the Facebook statuses those teenage girls write that really aren't all that deceptive. Take note: song lyrics are the most obvious form of expressing your true feelings without actually stating them. I especially believe that you start missing that person when you feel especially vulnerable or lonely or weak. That's when you want the good parts of your past the most.
I feel enlightened by this epiphany of mine and I think I've learned to handle these times. If I could give anyone advice, I'd say to avoid making really hasty decisions while you're emotional because those are the ones you'll regret the most. Try and make your important decisions with a level head; it'll turn out better for you in the end. And don't worry so much about that one person. They'll still be in your life if they're supposed to be there.
- Lo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)