Riding home on the bus and looking out the window at the deadness that all the fallen leaves brought to the countryside actually made me feel pretty empty. I would say lonely, but I'm fairly sure that I could find someone to talk to if I so desired. No, the feeling I felt just a few minutes ago was emptiness. It wasn't that I didn't feel; on the contrary I felt an awful lot. I just felt like a shell, a being just going about life but not really enjoying it; just seeing the happiness and beauty there is in the world but not taking a part of it.
That's the really twisted result that taking a risk and losing does to me. I can't even say that I get depressed or sad when it happens now because I don't. The lack of reaction I have now is startling to people. I don't even feel anger when I should. I've been told that all I do is let people walk all over me even when they hurt me so very badly, but to be honest I'd rather have that then be alone. Everyone is going to walk all over me at some point it feels like, so why lose what you do have in order to fulfill moral obligation? Sure, maybe I deserve better than that (at least according to some) but that doesn't mean I'm going to get it. Do you see what I'm saying?
All I know is that I stepped aside and gave everyone what they wanted, and all I want in return is friendship and the knowledge that I'm not alone. That's not too much to ask for for what I do, I think.
- Lo
2 comments:
No, not too much to ask. I wish at times my thoughts and words were as clear as yours and promises to be in future writing.
But take care of yourself and enjoy the view for the leaves are evidence of greater thing above us as we walk with our heads down.
Sometimes we need to learn ourselves and enjoy solitude as if an old friend. I assure you Little Missy, better days surely they shall come
and though I do not really know you my first random followings in the blogs- you are not alone.
Pardon my comments but as only one of four who follow I feel obligated and want you to know your blog is read.
Thank you, I want you to know that I do read your comments and I truly appreciate your taking the time to leave me these small messages.
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