if you'll be my strong and steady, i'll be your soft and sweet.

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
~ Peg Bracken

"Dear Santa,

How are you?  I hope you're well.  I hope all the elves and reindeer are working hard and hopefully Mrs. Claus has cookies for everyone!  Is it as mild up at the North Pole as it is here?  I'm afraid that we're going to have a green Christmas.  It's worrisome.  What will the polar bears do?

I have to confess, I don't think I've been as good a girl this year as in other years.  I've made a lot of people angry.  I've hurt people.  I've made them sad.  I try really hard to be the perfect little girl, Santa, but it just doesn't always work out.  I'm always a little bit behind and it causes me trouble.  Maybe I could play things off when I don't quite understand but I'm also a little bit more than irritating, as I'm sure you've heard.

I don't know what's happened to me, Santa.  I used to be on top of things and I used to know how to read people. When did I lose that gift?  When did I turn into a person that I'm not proud of, a person I wish I didn't have to be?  I don't like being me.  I'm not the kind of person that people want to be associated with. I'm not the person that they ever want to fight with because I'm horrible in an argument.  I'm not the kind of person anyone wants to talk to.  I don't blame anyone though.  Just myself.  I have no one to blame but myself for the person I've become.

But it bothers me.  Why can't I remember things?  I used to be able to remember everything TOO much; never could get anything to leave my head.  And now...sometimes I forget what people said only minutes after they said it.  It's not that I'm not listening; because I sincerely am.  I don't understand.  Today, at the doctor's office, she told me some things and I can't seem to remember what exactly they were. That's just a mild example.  This not remembering keeps getting me in trouble with everyone I care about.  They think I don't care and that's not it.  I'm trying so hard.  I'm not mean, I'm really not.

So Santa, if I could have anything this Christmas, it would be forgiveness.  Forgiveness from everyone for all the stupid things I've done this year.  I would want me back, the one who was selfless and who was good.  I would want hope, that what I want in life will happen.  I would want the peace of mind that everything is going to be okay.  Because sometimes it doesn't feel like everything is going to feel alright.  Lately, it feels like I'm on the edge of the cliff of my happiness and I'm wavering precariously; just barely saving myself from falling over the edge.

I just want to believe.  I want to believe that I am not a waste of a human and that I'll actually accomplish something with my life.  I want to believe that I'm going to have love in my life and that it'll be with the person that loves me more than anyone.  I want to believe that I'm going to find a way to go back to being the perfect listener, the best kind of friend.  I want to believe that one day, people will want to be my friend.  I want to believe that I don't always have to be alone; trapped in my thoughts and all of my mistakes.

If you could give me that, Santa, I would be the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. There's one other thing I want, and that is to be shown a way to make everything I want in life interact and mesh together perfectly.  I want that happily ever after.  Somehow.  If you could give me a happily ever after, there's nothing I would ever need.

Thank you for reading my letter.  Once again, I hope everyone is well.  I'll leave cookies and milk out for you on the kitchen table, just in case you decide to come visit my little brother.  He deserves a good Christmas, even if I don't.

Sincerely,

-Lo  "