can't go back, i'm haunted.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who pondered several questions she found important to her.  She wanted to know the answers to these questions, but unfortunately for her they weren't questions that had any helpful answers.  The only way to know was to wait and be patient.  But she wasn't very good at patience so she often felt hopeless when thinking about these things.

The first thing she wanted to know was why she felt so attached to one person.  Why did she feel like her world was somehow tied to this person's in a way that were he to disappear, she wouldn't know what to do?  This isn't to say that she couldn't live without him - she had done so before.  But what she wanted to know is why she felt a small piece of dependency.  She had always prided herself on being completely independent; never needing anyone or anything to help her get through a tough time or to provide her with happiness.  So why was it that this one person was the one who could always make her feel better after a bad day, or amuse her with simple things, when no one else - not even herself - could?  Why couldn't she let go or go for days without speaking to him when for everyone else she didn't feel such an attachment?  Why did she feel so horribly guilty whenever she was angry and took it out on him, when she usually got over it with an apology with anyone else?  She knew she loved him in some capacity; you can't be that close to someone without loving them.  She also knew that the love she had identified was the same kind you associate with a really good friend or relative.  But she also had confusing feeling in regards to this person as well.  She knew that she couldn't imagine her life without having him in it, but she didn't know why that was.  What made this relationship so special that she couldn't bear if it were to ever not exist?  No matter what changed in her life, this was one of the very few constants.  Maybe that was why she depended on it.  Sometimes she didn't like it, but most of the times she loved it more than almost anything else in her world.  She supposed she should just wait, and probably shouldn't try to figure out such a complicated mess.  Just enjoy what she had and leave the detective work for later.

The other question she pondered, was why she seemed destined to be alone.  She wondered what made her so awful that she always had to be alone and could never get too close to anyone.  She lasted for a couple months at most, then either she would drift away into anti-social behaviour or the other person(s) would not want anything to do with her anymore.  Was she that horrible a person?  What was it about her that made her so undesirable to everyone?  Even to herself?  Why couldn't she trust anyone and why did she want to get out of dodge as soon as she could?  She wondered if she was following a bigger purpose or if she was just too afraid to make attachments because she had gotten hurt so often.  She didn't really feel emotiona hurt that much anymore; the sharpness of that kind of pain had dulled into acceptance.  She knew that emotionally she was far out of sync from everyone else.  The path her life was taking was far different than everyone else.  The normal pattern of things that teenagers do didn't really happen with her.  For some things that was very good and yet for others it made her question her own life.  Was it something she did or said?  Was it the way she looked that made her so different than everyone else?  The question that hurt her most of all was, why did everyone leave?  She hadn't had a true best friend in many years.  Not since she was nine years old.  There was always something, where she felt she couldn't really confide in anyone, she couldn't trust anyone, and she could never let down her guard.

The two major areas she questioned related in that they were somewhat opposites.  She couldn't trust and couldn't get close to anyone, and yet she was trusting this person not to leave her.  She was trusting that he would always be around, no matter how old they got or where their lives took them.  She wondered if subconsciously she hoped that she would get to be with him one day, not just virtually, but actually hug him and know that he was real.  She was embarrassed by that, because it signified weakness in her eyes.  He was a strong individual; why wasn't she when it came to them?  She also knew that it was possibly wrong to feel so strongly about their relationship - after all, he had all the people in his life; what could he possibly want with her? 

She knew she wasn't good enough and that he would probably think her thoughts were silly, and yet she wrote them down anyway.  She knew he'd find them one day and she was trusting that he would tell her if she was wrong or if she was right.  Maybe that was all she craved - for him to really tell her what was going on.  To help her make sense of it all, instead of just mindlessly plowing through and ignoring everything that should be discussed.  So she waited for that day when everything would finally make sense, and she could stop wondering secretly in the middle of the night.

- Lo