the kind of girl you want; she is everything i'm not.

Once upon a time, there was a girl.  She had all she needed to be happy.  And she had finally found herself a state in which she was happy the majority of the time, despite being incredibly busy and having much to stress about.  She was happy all the time, but for some reason old habits die hard.  She would on occasion find herself lonely or wishing that she were a better person or she looked better or a number of other imaginable flaws.  She didnt really feel anything when she was in such a mindframe, but she would be distracted for a time wanting something she didn't really want.  She got over it quickly and life moved on, but it was a rather irritable occurrence.

Another habit that refused to die was her inability to get close to anyone.  She always had to keep some distance between herself and everyone.  A lot of it was due to not wanting to appear clingy when she was so not even close, but part of it was always to wait for something or to always have an excuse why she shouldn't be close to the people that knew her the best.  Especially when it came to guy friends.  She liked their company but worried that they might see their friendship as more than it was.  And she didn't want to ever be in the situation where she had to be mean about it so she often reminded them that they were like brothers to her - and that's all there ever would be. 

She had to do this with two people in particular because they just didn't seem to get the hint.  She enjoyed their company and being able to talk about stuff, but that was absolutely it. She wasn't in denial like some would speculate; on the contrary she was very sure of her mind and her feelings.  She viewed them like more younger siblings.  And she knew if they opportunity ever arose, she would have to hurt them if they tried to make it more than what she wanted.  This she feared very much.  And so because of this fear, periodically she'd push them away, to try and create space.  It wasn't a situation she liked, but it was necessary.  And she'd keep doing it until they realized.  She had to come to learn about herself and the situation that she would rather be alone then have to fake her feelings.  She just couldn't do such a thing.

But it made her wonder, why did they have to push the issue so, when she'd made her feelings very clear?  And why did it seem like the end of good friendships was near, when it didn't have to be that way?  She pondered it and to this day she still does not know.

- Lo