is there anybody out there or am i swimming this empty sea alone.

Life isn't something you can plan out.  No matter what goals you set for yourself, during the course of your days they'll be changed, questioned, mocked, you name it.  You may think you have a plan, a goal, a dream, however I advise against being so convinced that things will go exactly according to plan that you miss moments of your life that you can never get back.

It starts when we are young.  We have such high hopes and expectations.  As little kids we would always be asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  And we had such great ideas: we were going to be doctors, firemen, professional sports stars.  The world had no limits and nothing could stop us.  There were no obstacles.  We were young enough that we didn't know the hard work involved in achieving these goals.  We were just spewing information our parents fed to us.

Then we got further on in school and things got harder.  We no longer had playtime and naptime.  We had homework and responsibilities.  And our dreams changed or were altered.  Maybe you realized you really didn't want to be a fireman anymore.  Maybe you learned you fainted at the sight of blood so you really couldn't be that great doctor.  But you always had new dreams, ones that seemed more attainable.  This isn't to say that the world got smaller, but rather that you had realized some short-term dreams.  You wanted to make the soccer team.  You wanted to get an A in math.  You wanted to help someone in need.  You really wanted to save your allowance for that new GameBoy game that just came out.  All of these goals were attainable and you worked hard to get what you set out to achieve.

However, you also had those dreams in the back of your mind that were more risky and were things you didn't want everyone else to find out.  You wanted to ask that girl to the dance but you were too shy.  You had liked that boy in your English class for years but never had the courage to talk to him.  We had big ideas for our futures.  We would meet that special person, stay with them forever, and live happily ever after.  Disney movies were what we based our lives on.  They always had a happy ending.

Of course, by the time you get to high school you already know that there isn't always a happy ending.  Maybe you've experienced enough tragedy and heartbreak to know that you won't be with the person you thought you loved forever.  You also came to realize that you really didn't have the talent to be a pro sports athlete.  But maybe you had been successful.  Maybe you were a star on the AAA hockey team.  Maybe you had a 90% average.  Maybe all of your dreams were on the brink of becoming a reality.  By now we all had some kind of idea of what we want in life, whether it was with a career goal or a personal dream.  We just wanted to experience love.  We just wanted to travel the world.  We just wanted to meet that friend that we would be able to count on all of the time.

Then we reached the here and now.  Gone are the days of invincibility and endless possibilities.  Life has suddenly become so real.  We have to apply to schools, find a job, or else do something different, but we have to make a decision.  You're running out of time to stall making decisions.  You've realized that throughout the years you changed your path so many times that you are nowhere near the person you thought you would be.  Deep down you still have so many things you want to do, but those dreams have taken a backseat to real life.  You're trying to be happy but sometimes it seems like you're so far behind that you'll never reach what you want.  You'll be lucky if you even make it through these years unscathed.

The above paragraphs are what I have come to realize.  When I was younger I never thought that I would be here now.  I never thought that I would be clueless as to what I was going to do for a career.  I never thought that I would be afraid of what people thought of me.  I never thought that I would be doing everything in my power to come up with a plan to find a way to the Newfs without dropping everything and just doing it.  In fact, I thought by now I would've found a way there already.  Today, I am nowhere near who I thought I was going to be.  But really, that's okay because I know that someday I'm going to figure out exactly what I'm going to do and who I'm going to be.  It all just takes a little more time.

- Lo