dear john, i see it all now that you're gone.

We must not say every mistake is a foolish one.
~ Cicero

If you ever hear anyone call me perfect, I beg you to correct them.  If you ever hear people say that I have it all, I hope you'll know that it's a lie.  If you hear them say that I make things difficult, that I'm unpredictable and that I can shock you in the most extreme ways, then you'll know that people are talking about the right girl.

When things get a little bit too big and scary for me, that is, when I do and say things and worry a lot and life gets out of control, I do bad things.  Rather, I act in bad ways and say bad things.  I tend to make a lot of mistakes.  And some might disagree and say that I don't make mistakes, but that isn't true.  To repeat, I make a lot of mistakes.  When I'm stressed or worried, I tend to make more and I tend to push away people that might want to help me because I don't want to burden them or I don't want them to know that I can't handle everything that's going on.  And if I get irritated over something when I'm like that, well my mistakes increase ten-fold.  I regret everything I say and do in those moments but I know that doesn't count for an apology.  Unfortunately, it's all I have.

And to one in particular, I want you to know something.  I told her because I wanted to show you (rather than just tell you; actions over words) that I'm serious.  I'm not going anywhere.  I wanted her to know you and I thought you could help me help her get to you the way you want her to know you; not through my feeble attempts at describing you.  So I thought you could help.  I'm sorry I was wrong and I wasted your time.

I should go now, before I say anything else and get myself in even more trouble.  There's something else I wanted to say though.  I thought it was important to say that to me, there is nothing worse than when someone walks away angry with me.  I think the feeling I get in those moments is the worst thing I will ever feel in my entire life.  That feeling of knowing I screwed up and that I lost my chance to fix it, that feeling of hating myself because I made someone angry, all of it, is so hard to handle.  It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that someone is angry with me.  And I hope I never have to feel like that with you again.

- Lo