I like dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
~ Thomas Jefferson
I am a little bit melancholy today. I know it's been a while since I've written anything and that's due to the fact that I've been bogged down with assignments and such. And on top of that, life has been stupendous. But every once in a while I get thinking about the future and it scares me and I don't know what to do and I feel like nothing will ever work out and I end up in a mood such as this.
First and foremost, the most important thing to say is that I am in love with a very amazing person. He's absolutely brilliant and I could spend more than a lifetime telling you that and why. But I'll leave it at that. The only issue with us is that he is about 3000km away from me. That's quite a distance, I'll give you that. It's also important to note that I am not one of the many teenagers who think they're in love and they're not or they think a silly long distance fling can last. I can promise you that I am not like that. I'm past that stage of my life and I've had 3 years to reflect on my feelings. In fact, I had about 3 years to get rid of silly fling feelings and I've done far too much evaluating on that standpoint. This is me and this is how I feel.
I'm going to visit this boy of mine soon. Only for 9 days, but it'll be enough to feel somewhat satiated for a while. I'm thoroughly excited and I cannot wait. I only wish I could stay.
And this is where my melancholy sets in. I get thinking about the future. Yes, I'm going to visit him for a week, but then what? There's no reason to think like this, I know, but I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid his patience will wear thin and he'll think the whole thing is impossible and he'll give up. I could just see it happening. And no matter how much consoling I do and no matter what I do, it'll never be enough. That's what I'm afraid could happen.
I would stay out there if I could. But the thing is, I'm in the midst of my undergrad and the university where he lives does not really offer the appropriate program to help me get into law school. It does have a program, don't get me wrong, but the school isn't really known for it. Add to that the fact that I have a pretty decent scholarship right now and I have other funding that would cease if I switched schools and you get an equation that means I have to stay put for another three years.
So that means, if we are to be together soon, either he has to come here or I'll go there during the summer. I am game for either option. He doesn't know what he's going to do and I wish I had the answers for him, but I don't. He has to make sure that he sets himself up to be able to make a career but we also just want to be together while we are young. I don't know if you remember being young and thinking the world is limitless, but that's where I'm at. And I really don't think it should be so hard. I'm sure I can get a job out there and work; it's the same as if I went back to my hometown to work. And I would be there four months of the year and at school for 8, due to the Christmas break being spent at home, obviously. That route is entirely possible, if he wished to stay in his hometown and go to the university there or get a job there. Because I know it's hard to leave home, especially when he knows everyone there like he does. In fact, that's one of the things I'm a bit envious about and is the reason why I wish I were there. I just think I would fit in better with people there than I do here. They are so much more mellow.
But then, there's another route. If he were to come here, he could go to school here or do whatever he wanted. Obviously, this route is difficult; he'd have to pack up his entire life and we'd have to find a place to live and he would have to be able to find the opportunities he needs to further his goals in life. It's also possible, but difficult. This route is ideal because it means we'd actually be together; not just for the off-months or for a week at a time. I like the idea, I just haven't spoken to him about it much. We tend to not talk about these things because it's obviously a stressful topic. Hence why I'm writing about it.
There are other routes, that are obvious, easier, but require more waiting. Personally, they don't appeal to me that much, but I know I'm the kind of person that could wait forever. Even if I was desperately lonely in the meantime. And I think that's one of my tragic flaws and a strength at the same time. I just don't think he could handle that kind of wait, with only a week-long visit every year. It's definitely not ideal.
But once I'm done my undergrad, I'm literally free. I want to go to law school, and that means anywhere really. I don't have any specifics.
My goals for the next few years of my life are pretty simple. I want to graduate with my degree and get on my way to getting a job that will allow me to live a full life, and I want to be with him. Right now, the difficult part is getting both at the same time. But I can do it. We can do it. I know that. It just takes a little bit of planning and some confidence and a smidgen of luck. There's always a way to achieve your goals; I'm a firm believer in that. And I'll do anything to achieve mine.
Love always,
- Lo
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