Once upon a time, there was a boy. This was no ordinary boy. This boy had the biggest heart you can imagine, and he was the sweetest thing. If I had to speculate, I would say that this boy cared about everything deeply and at one point had probably been kind of sensitive. This boy grew up into a young man and through the years many things happened to him. It began to wear on him and he began to hide that goodness.
He was still a kind soul with big dreams when I knew him but little did I know all the crap that was going on in his life. He never let on, he just let me do my thing and rant when I needed to. There are definitely times when I wasn't a good friend to him and I regret that now. There were days I should have backed off and I didn't, words I should have kept unsaid and didn't, and times when I should have picked up on foul moods. But it takes a while to learn what you're best friend is like and I don't think I ever figured it out completely.
There were days when we fought like crazy, neither one giving an inch to the other. It went on for hours; accusing each other of things we knew nothing about and not listening to what the other was saying. Then we'd leave angry at one another or else we'd tire out the argument and realize how stupid the whole thing was. But no matter what, he was always there for me when I needed him. I tried to be there for him too, but he never seemed to need me. It often felt like a one-way friendship, where I couldn't offer anything of use. I began to resent that and tried my hardest to be needed or wanted.
We had our embarrassing time. I'm not sure what he thought re-reading those conversations but when I read them months later I wonder how we ever were like that. How did he put up with my embarrassingly lame stories or responses? The silly games we used to play? I always felt so inferior to him and I have proof of how much of a naive kid I was at the time. But I never want to delete them because I read them for laughs and to have the proof that we were happy and we could talk to one another about anything for hours.
Then we entered the phase of depression. I never felt so useless in my life. I knew he was slipping, I knew the good days were behind us, and yet there was nothing I could do. I was still struggling with my own troubles every day. We didn't talk as much. Oh sure we spoke to one another every day, but it was just the same ol' basic conversation of 'hey' 'hi' 'what's up?' 'nothing, you?' 'nothing'. And that would be the extent of our conversation. For months it was like this. On rare occasions he'd snap and let me into his head for a little while but then he'd shut back up for weeks and I wouldn't see his bright personality again.
That phase gradually ended and I felt like we might be able to salvage the happiness we had before. But I was wrong. We were both older, both more worn and scarred, and I realized that we could never be the once carefree children we once had been. Conversation still came with a little difficulty and there were still days when I angered him and I didn't know why. We weren't as close as we had been and we had different friends and experiences. But we couldn't share our new experiences because we were different people. I knew I shouldn't tell some of the things that were going on in my life and he never felt inclined to fill me in with what was going on in his life. It felt like he was still trying to pull away from our friendship and I didn't know why.
But then there would be days when he'd come home drunk and we'd have a conversation like we used to. Or he'd ask me what kind of relationship we had and I honestly to this day have never found a word to describe our relationship. We've loved and hated each other, gotten under one another's skin and still shared some of our biggest fears. Our friendship or relationship or whatever it is had its ups and downs and yet we still seemed to always pull through.
Today, he is not the little boy I think he once was. He is not the young man with all the big dreams that I met. The world has been harsh to him and it has turned him into the seemingly cold person I got to see. I often feared that I was the cause of the way our relationship changed but no matter what happened I always believed that he was the most amazing person I had ever met.
- Lo
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