Once upon a time, not so very long ago, we reached the milestone of a new year. Two-thousand-eleven. What a mouthful. As the new year came in full force, I thought a lot about how I wanted this year to turn out. I also thought about things I found important in my life.
This year is important. I graduate high school, after what seems like both an eternity and a far too short amount of time, all at once. I've applied to university, and already been accepted to two of my three choices with acceptances earlier than the usual early acceptance. That is surely something to be proud of. I have to wait until February though to hear from my first choice for early acceptance. That waiting is really difficult but I hope I get accepted to that one. The other thing that I've been very busy with is scholarships. I know it's incredibly expensive to go to post-secondary and I don't want to be in tons of debt by the time I finish, since I have at least another six years of schooling to go. I'm working on applications for many and am still looking for others I might have a chance for. Between all of this and grad photos and everything else that revolves around graduating, it's both an exciting and scary time in my life.
With all this being said, I reached a bridge I did not want to be crossed. For the longest time, I have wanted to go to Memorial University of Newfoundland. There are multiple reasons for this, but the main point is that my parents didn't want me to. I was told that if I went despite their wishes I would essentially be kicked out of the house. (This is of course because it's quite a distance from where I live). The thing is, I was going to apply and go regardless, because I wanted it that badly. Then, I had a truly superb summer here and I realized that if I went all the way out there then I could not come home as often as I might want to. So, I didn't even bother applying, even though it would be a much cheaper university to go to and it had some other aspects that I really liked. Now, I'm incredibly sad that I don't have this opportunity because I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to go. I plot far too much, I know, but when you have the motivation I do and the same stubborn-ness, you'll do anything to succeed. I was desperate, I know it, and maybe I didn't plan it out properly. But that is something I can't regret because it will ruin me. I can only hope that I might one day get the opportunity.
I also reflected a lot on my relationships with people. When it comes to people in this town, I try not to get too attached. This is no secret to the people that read the blog so I won't reiterate everything. We all know that there's only few people I've allowed myself to have any form of attachment to, and none of these few live in this area. Sometimes I wonder how I met these people, but most of the time I'm just incredibly grateful that I'm able to know them and be friends with them. These relationships had me questioning (and I still wonder) what it means to love someone. Not so much in the romantic sense, but rather in the way that you want the very best for them and you want to do whatever you can to help them. You would do anything just so they could be happy. Is that love? I'm not sure. It's still something I struggle with. I didn't like feeling so close to people that could disappear at any moment, but I've realized that that's what it means to trust. You have to understand that you could get hurt if you give people valuable information about yourself, but trust is just hoping they won't leave. I struggle with this as well, and I'm only just getting used to not keeping absolutely everything to myself.
Finally, I thought about my future. I still don't know what exactly my career path has planned for me. I did come up with a firm list of things that I am going to do, if not this year, then in the next couple years. Visiting someone that means much to me is near the top. It really kills sometimes when you can be so close to someone and yet you can never see them. You can talk to them but you can't really see their facial expressions. It's a weird conundrum and lately it's been driving me absolutely crazy.
That's all for now, I fear this story has gotten far longer than I anticipated. Overall, I hope that 2011 brings the happiness I'm looking for and the love and trust I've been missing. I also hope that on the whole it will be much better than the past year was.
- Lo
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