Once upon a time, there was a girl who was pretty good at "fake it 'till you make it". However, she did not want to use this post to talk about herself and how she worked as a person. No, this post was to be a letter. A letter in which she could write what she was thinking and know that it would never be brought up. If you do not wish to read another letter, I wish you the best day and that you remain happy always. But if you do...
To Whom It May Concern,
Hi. I wonder if you realize that I'm writing to you. I wonder if you get tired of my letters; the ones I share with you and the ones I refuse to. I also wonder if you understand that I write letters in order to share feelings I can't just state outright. I promise not to waste too much of your time, I just wanted to tell you some of the things that I can't bring up in a normal conversation because really, I don't like being the mushy one.
First, I would like you to know that though I say it often, I really don't think you understand how much I care about our friendship. I don't even understand why I feel so strongly. Lately, all I can think about is how unfair it is that we happen to live so far apart. Maybe that's childish and if we did live closer we wouldn't be as close as we are, but hey that's the way she goes. I want to tell you to just come stay for a while this summer or next year, I know it's not realistic. Some days it feels like all my ideas aren't realistic and that makes me feel so helpless, like I'll never meet you. In actual reality, I know that's not true because I will figure it out. I think it's become a life goal to figure out how I will ever see you. Probably because I don't see how I could ever not know you.
Alright honestly, I go back and forth in my head all the time whether to tell you any of this or whether I should just keep it to myself. I'm terrified that the fact that I feel that strongly about it is what will eventually push you away. I'd never know because you're too nice to ever say anything. But I'm begging you to help me figure it out. Tell me to stop thinking about it, tell me it'll happen, tell me that I'm not insane for wanting a physical friendship with you. When I say that too, I mean like normal people. Where I can see you, and hug you when necessary and not having to rely on words. Because if our relationship with just words is so amazing, can you even imagine what the physical component would cause? That's what I look forward to.
There are so many things I have to tell you. But I'm afraid it's too much. We don't have a line drawn or any boundaries, which I love, but I'm afraid that there'll be something I say that'll be just too far out there. You hardly ever say anything about it, which makes it really hard to know when I'm pushing it. This is not the blame game - I know why you do it. But that's why I can't tell you what I'm really thinking.
You're an amazing person, especially for putting up with me and all the things I can't say but want to.
- Lo
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