Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
~Irene Peter
Came but for friendship, and took away love.
~ Thomas Moore
Welcome to the new format of my blog posts. I like to change things every once and a while, and this is what I've come up with. Today's themes include change, love, and friendship. I'll probably throw around the L-word a lot in this post and it'll probably be the only time I say it for a while. I believe you should only say it if you mean it, so it's very rare that you'll hear me say it out loud.
I believe that change is essential. Most of the time, I enjoy change and welcome it with open arms. Other times, I would do anything to avoid my life changing. There are only a few times where I can really say that I didn't want things to change. I didn't want friendships to change, I didn't want school years to end, etc. However, once it happens I adapt and get over my fear and get on with my life. One thing that always happens when I find out that change is coming though is that I'm kind of afraid of it. Even when I'm excited, I still have that little bit of fear. I guess that comes from having to leave my comfort zone, but since I force myself out of it so often one would think that leaving it wouldn't bother me as much. It's not something I can get over though. Every time, it gets me.
Why am I talking about change? Well, it actually relates to friendship. I've recently experienced several changes in that department. First, the change in behaviour of a couple good friends. It's very strange to me when someone acts differently around me. I get paranoid and wonder what they're thinking and wonder what I did wrong or what circumstance could have made them change their ways. I can't just jump in and immediately adapt to that kind of change.
One of these people started being more open with me, and I'm still a little skeptical. I'm thrilled at heart and I love it, but I'm nervous that at any moment they'll close back up. I trust that it won't happen or that I'll notice before it does so that I won't be surprised, so to speak. I hope it won't happen, but one can never know. I love everyting about them. Another person has closed up and doesn't really talk as much anymore. I've tried having conversations, and nothing I say seems to really get through. We don't even really talk; we just make jokes and have the basic five sentence conversation. I have yet to figure out what's changed, but I'm not sure I really want to know, to be completely honest. Finally, I've come to terms with a very good friend of mine. I had been skeptical that we weren't on the same page about our friendship, but ever since February I've become more confident that we are what I want us to be: just really good friends. In fact, I think he might be seeing a girl now, which puts me at ease and makes me feel more comfortable about walking around the halls with him. People know we're just best friends, and that's exactly how I like it.
These are the changes in friendships that I've experienced, and I know that more are to come. I can just feel it, somehow. Actually, I'm probably going to force it. This is a bad habit of mine. I don't know why I do it, but I always feel like I have to shake things up every once in a while. I try to branch out and meet new people, but I always make sure to keep everyone in my life. I expand, not replace. There are people that could never be replaced in my heart; never in a million years.
Moving on...I know I'm lucky to be surrounded by people that I enjoy spending time with and talking to. I also know that sometimes I might take some people for granted. I try not to, and I really value everyone, but I know that you never truly know what you have until it's gone. However, there are a couple people that I wish would get the hint that I do not like clingy situations. I've tried being nice and I still am nice about it but they really just don't seem to get the hint. Yes, they are boys I go to school with, and I know what it's like to like someone but if that person told me that I just want to be friends and that I didn't like being clingy, then I would back off. Unfortunately, these two don't seem to get it and I'm afraid that my other friends might intervene soon because it's frustrating for them as well. Please, you don't have to stand right behind my shoulder and not say anything. Please, don't pat me on the back awkwardly for no reason. Please, keep it friendly, not creepy. These are the things I wish I could say, but I really don't want to be mean. I did like being friends with them, but things just got really creepy and uncomfortable. I'm so sorry; I feel awful thinking like this but I just have to say it.
I have been meeting new people as well though that I truly enjoy. The people I went to Peru with were all really good people and I loved spending eleven days in the foreign country with them. There are people at school that I never really talked to in years past that I now talk to practically everyday. I have a couple people that don't mind helping me with calculus when I don't understand it and I really don't think they'll ever know how valuable their help is. Speaking of calculus help, this one guy that has truly been amazingly helpful is one that I have an interest in. He seems shy, like myself, so I really have to face it and initiate conversations. He's a really nice person though and he opens up right away once I say something. I'll be honest with you, I first noticed him last year and I only just got up the nerve to speak to him in the past month or so. I like talking to him so I hope this becomes a good friendship. I know better than to expect more, but it is in my head. It feels really exposing, talking about this to you, Blogger readers. I apologize for such details if you didn't want to know them.
I have a really good friend too that I really hope I remain friends with in the years to come. We've been friends since ninth grade but only just became really good friends this year and the year before. We have so much in common, including a love of books and writing and a low tolerance for certain things. She is hilarious and we have such good times together. I don't know why it took so long for me to realize how much I really value her friendship and that she really is one of my best friends, but I'm glad I did. She makes every day at school that much better.
Finally, I don't know where I would be without my faraway friends. The ones I never see. The ones who don't live anywhere near me. They make me laugh. They teach me things I never knew. I can tell them anything. I love them all to death and I would do anything for them. I am so lucky to have met them, and I don't think it was a coincidence. They were all meant to be in life and I'm so thankful they are. I can't imagine life without them. The Newfies are my favourite people to talk to because they're all so funny, witty as hell, and smart too. They make me wish I lived there. That's the only sadness in my faraway friends: I never get to see them. One day though, I can promise you that. Soon, if I can manage it. It's incredible the plans I've come up with to get out there, it really is.
That's all for today. I think I should tell you too that I appreciate that you read my blog. I see on my stats where everyone is from (not who you are, so don't worry about that) and it amazes me what countries have people in them that have seen my blog. It's an incredibly good feeling, for some reason. So thank you for making my day! Goodnight now,
- Lo
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