this is more than entertainment, this is the only thing that is real or true.

Adolescence is when girls experience social pressure to put aside their authentic selves and to display only a small portion of their gifts.
~ Mary Pipher

It's so easy to make-believe.  A game of pretend, believing for a little while that things are different.  Fake it 'till you make it, that kind of thing.  Sometimes though, it doesn't seem wise to pretend.  For example, today I would rather not pretend that I have a huge amount of confidence.  I would rather tell someone that I'm terrified of not being good enough, or interesting enough, or too annoying, then pretend that I have it all together.

It's not even that, though.  It's more like, I'm afraid of getting hurt if I let someone in.  It shouldn't matter by now, but for some reason I can't stop caring.  I'm afraid to show people the thoughts in my brain or if I tell them some of my ideas.  I just feel like, if I didn't pretend to be super happy or if I don't stay as quiet as I usually do, then people wouldn't like me.  It's not like I even pretend or make personality or anything like that.  I just don't come across as outgoing as I feel some days.

Of course, there are days (like today) where I feel so shy and insignificant that I'd rather not be seen.  I don't feel good enough to deserve certain people and I really don't think I should be talking at all.  I tend to make rash and reckless decisions.  I tend to feel like the world is out to get me and that no one likes me, when in fact (to my knowledge) that isn't true at all.  I know somewhere inside me that it's just a stupid perception that comes with my past, but it's not something I've yet been able to skip past.  And the worst part is, I don't even understand it.  I don't know why I feel this way.

Deep down, past the fake confidence and this stupid moodiness,  I actually feel so happy I could sing (an expression haha).  And yet I can't share that feeling with anyone.  For some reason, no one wants to listen to why I'm so happy.  And I guess I can't blame them.  No one likes someone that talks about being happy when things are less than rosy for them.  Not that I would ever do that, but I guess no one wants to hear that I'm even happy either, after so long of not being so.  I don't mind I guess.  It just means that I have all this feeling inside and no one to share that with.  I don't know.  All I know is that I'll just keep helping everyone with their issues and leave mine for Blogger.  It's not a big deal, I guess.  I better stop now haha, I'm sounding too bitter for my own good.

- Lo