can you lie next to her, and give her your heart?

"All I need right now is for you to wrap me up in your arms, look me in the eyes, and tell me you won't ever give up."

~ Anonymous

I'm such a hopeless romantic.  But you would never know it.  It's a part of me that I hide and keep locked up, so that no one can exploit it and more importantly, so that I don't act in an embarrassing and cheesy manner.  Of course on the blog, that's something that can be difficult to hide.  The way I see it right now, I might as well write about what I'm feeling so that I'll have some kind of record of it to look back on some day.  But back to the hopeless romantic...

I love when someone talks to me just because they had the urge to.  Not for any specific reason, just because they thought of me.  I love cheesy romantic comedy movies sometimes.  Even though the happy ending stories are unrealistic, there's just something about them that I really like.  I'm a sucker for a good story.  I think I love cuddling with the right person; I've never actually done it in a place where I feel comfortable, but it's something I can imagine in my head.  I love the good little surprises and the little things.  I love so many things, many cheesy and some that are just personal preference.  I don't know where it all came from, but it's a part of my inner personality.

That's why I talk about my feelings and go on and on about how amazed I am lately.  My life feels like a fairy tale; a movie I would watch or a book I would read.  I feel such good things and it seems like I'm receiving the same feelings in return.  I tell you how I feel and you assure me you feel the same.  It's hard to believe that you might be serious.  It's like you're just saying exactly what I've wished I could hear you say for a year, and yet there's no way you could have known.  You couldn't have known most of  the blog posts were inspired by you, that my thoughts often travel to you, and that whenever I imagined my future you were somehow a part of it.  You couldn't have had any idea because not only did I not mention these things, I denied them myself.  Whenever I found myself imagining these things I would shove it out of my mind, believing that it would never happen and I was being a dreamer.  But now they are happening and it feels so surreal.  It's a blessing that I am so lucky to have you.

If you want to know the truth, I think I always loved you.  Even when I denied it and I did all that I could to not feel anything other than friendship for you, I don't think I succeeded.  I tried to make sure that I was always available in case your feelings changed, but I would convince myself it's just because I wanted to be your friend.  That's it, just a friend.  But I couldn't convince myself of that.  Some might say that's a way to waste precious time, but I would disagree.  What's the point in going after something else if you know what you love?

And now, I wait.  Actively waiting, mind you; always trying to find a way to see if this is really real.  If the feelings and energy are still there when the distance fades or if I've been deluding myself all this time.  I don't want to disappoint or be lower than expectations and I'm afraid that I won't be as special or good when I'm around.  But I don't focus on that.  I try and focus on that fairy tale ending and believe that I will be good enough.  I'll always love you, I know that much for sure.  I just hope you'll feel the same.  But no pressure,  ever.  That's just my own selfish little wish.

- Lo