you'll say baby how's your day, i'll say crazy but it's all gonna be alright.

“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. 
You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”
~ Gone With the Wind (1939)

That's taken from the movie.  I found it on a website when I was looking up quotes and I kind of liked it, both because it reminded me of myself and of so many other things.  I also found it a little bit humorous.  In a way, it's what inspired me to write this post.

Whenever I decide to take a risk, I always make sure to have a backup plan.  A just-in-case-it-doesn't-work plan, if you will.  I make sure to have my escape plan and a way to save myself.  A way to back out.  I always have a plan so I don't end up screwed over or left without a way to return to normal.  I guess I've never given a hundred percent of myself to anything.

Until now.  I've finally found something that I've given all of myself too.  There isn't a backup plan this time.  If something goes wrong, I won't be able to ignore it or pretend it never happened or deny that I made a mistake.  I'll have to own up to my mistakes and live with the consequences.  And while for any other situation that may have been a scary thought, now it's something that I actually embrace.  I'm so happy and I know that giving all of myself is the only way to experience the absolute best.  I want everything that I can get from this situation and I know that if I hold back I might miss out on a piece of wonderful.

I am so deliriously happy all the time.  I'm currently loving and trusting and hoping beyond hope.  I am filled with positive and happy feelings.  I won't lie, I also have many times where I wonder how I got so lucky and how undeserving I am to have him. Him who is so much more than I am.  I'm also paranoid of it ending because I know these feelings that I have are ones that I'll never lose and I'm such a dreamer that I'd like to think that it will never end.  I'd like to think that I can't lose and that I'll hurdle the obstacles and everything will work out.  I won't lie, I can't see it any other way.  There is no other path.  There's just this.  I've avoided thinking about it for years, keeping on my escape plan and avoiding getting hurt and getting into situations where I might get hurt.  In fact, I contemplated even writing this stuff down because I'm not sure how people will react.  But honestly, I'm at the point where I don't care.  I'm that far gone into this that I don't care what people think.  As long as it doesn't ruin anything, I'll be alright.

This is all there is.  My life revolves around thinking about it (considering I spend 7 hours a day sitting by myself in a 10x10 box that's a lot of thinking time).  I want it more than anything.  I am so filled with good that it's hard for me to comprehend most days.  What's even harder to understand is that right now it seems to be working out really good for me.  The scariest thing is giving 100% trust, but I'm doing it. I'm trying really hard.

- Lo