what we know is almost nothing at all, but we are what we are until the day we die.

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."
~ Anonymous tumblr blog

It's kind of funny that I'm using the above statement for inspiration for this post because I bet you'll automatically assume that I'm upset or feeling something like that.  But no worries; I'm not.  It's just inspiration.  Like a quick-write exercise, my thoughts wander to completely different ideas than what the prompt would suggest.  Continuing on to what I wanted to say...

I found this on some other website, and I must say that I immediately connected with the statement.  I know exactly what the author is feeling and she has adequately described how I used to feel all the time.  I'm proud to say that I got over this way of living, but I'll admit that sometimes it's still hard to not worry about everything.  On rare days now, it's hard to not wonder why I still feel lonely sometimes, and why sometimes it feels like no one likes me.  Though I know that a lot of my negative thoughts aren't true, it's still hard to push them away entirely.  It's a process I'm working through, but I know it can be done.  I'll master it.  That perfectionist in me will find a way.

I have ridiculous thoughts and ways in which I would like the world to work, but it doesn't work like that.  You can't force things to go your way: the world would collapse if everyone tried doing that. Don't try and change everything else; change yourself. 

That is a very valuable lesson that I am trying to teach myself.  Rather than wanting you (and I'm thinking of a particular person here) to be what I think would be most beneficial for you, I need to learn to accept that people screw up and that I'm not right all the time.  I mean, yes, I know when I'm wrong sometimes, but I really have to learn to not try and change you.  I have to stop it now, I know.  But if I'm being honest, the only reason I try to reason with you in the first place is because I'm afraid of losing you.  It's irrational and entirely baseless, but I'm so used to everyone leaving that I've come to live by doing absolutely anything so people won't leave. 

All my ways of thinking are so convoluted, I know that.  But I want everyone to know that I only have the purest intentions and I only want to help  No matter how useless my way of helping might be.  And, I want you to know that I care more than anyone can comprehend.  Even I don't understand why I care so much about certain things.  I just can't help it.

- Lo