was it something i said, or just my personality.

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
~ Harriet Lerner

There are two issues that are making me a little angry today.  I don't like being angry, so I hope that writing them down will get rid of it and I can continue along my merry way.  These don't deserve my rare anger, but I can't help it.  I hope they're worth being angry about.

I can't trust anything.  With every person and every situation I'm always wondering whether it's all a lie or a game just to make a fool of me.  I want to be ignorantly happy and not mistrust.  But it's so difficult when every single time I trust someone, they turn and stab me in the back or else abuse my trust.  I know this is true because a friend once told another friend of mine that she doesn't have to worry about me because I'm not strong enough to challenge her.  What kind of friend is that?  I trusted you.  I thought you were one of my best friends, but if you like being my friend just because you can use me, well, that's not very nice.  What did I do to deserve that?  She's not the only one who does that though.  There are people who use me or else take advantage of me in some way, I know that.  And I just let them, because I don't want anyone to be angry at me.  But I wonder, are people really so ruthless that they would ruin someone just to get what they want?  The obvious answer to that is yes, and it's such a shame.  I don't know what to do to resolve this.

The other issue that bothers me is one that I think is worth being bothered by. Here I am now - finally starting to be able to be close to people, after years of not really being able to.  Then, this boy comes along and for some reason he won't leave me alone.  For some reason, he always feels the need to touch me in some way whenever he's near me.  I mean really, even you must know this is wrong.  I've told him countless times to just leave me alone and not to touch me, but he doesn't get the hint.  The part that I seriously don't like is that it always feels creepy and wrong.  Like, he grabs me innapropriately.  Yesterday, for example, I passed him in the hall and he grabs my very upper thigh.  He does not have the right to do that.  I'm not sure what I have to do to get that through to him.  He's on my bus as well and whenever I used to let him sit with me (due to the lack of seats) he would practically drape himself all over me and grab my legs whenever he wanted.  He's also grabbed me around the waist from behind when I didn't know he was there.  Maybe you don't think it's bad, but I can't stand it anymore.  Especially after I've already told him not to touch me.  Everyone thinks he's really creepy with me and I agree wholeheartedly.  I'm so frustrated and I actually hate having to be around him now.  Honestly, what did I do to deserve that?

- Lo